Should we have to pay this much maintenance?

[Festivalgirl83]

DP and I live together in a house we bought together last year. He has a DD (8) with ex wife who he split with when DD was a year old. I have 2 DC of my own.

His DD has never stayed overnight with him because mum firstly breast fed until she was 3 so he was unable to have her overnight for those first few years, she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted. However, she otherwise loves spending time with her Dad and being here and throughout all these years Dad has paid maintence.
His DD is now spending more time at ours than ever before, in the last 7 days she has been here for 4 full days and we give her all meals but goes home about 7pm, Dad does all the driving. This happens most weeks now.
We are starting to wonder if he could suggest paying less as we have her for sometimes more meal times and hours than her Mum but obviously maintenence is worked out on overnight stays.

Does this sound completely unreasonable?

Poor child, good job she has her mum.
Your partner pays the minimum, you shouldn't be paying anything towards his maintenance, so why the we, all the time?

Do you know how much 'childcare' costs per hour? Just the care, to have someone physically present 24/7. Never mind the practical things like food, heat, water, petrol, clothes, etc etc etc. Your partner is responsible for half of that since birth. Half.
His ex's job and earnings are irrelevant. Take what your partner has paid over the years in total and times it by ten. He'll still be in the red by many many thousands.

@Festivalgirl83

Thank you for all your comments, we were just wondering what the consensus was but have had some light entertainment reading some responses. To those that said I might need to get a second job I'm actually a full time professional in education working five full days a week. DP works two jobs and works shifts and earns a lot less. For context his ex has no mortgage and is a deputy head earning a significant amount.

You work in education and you are this scathing of a young child, the ex isn’t your deputy head is she? All I can sense is jealousy.

I wonder how much extra these meals you’re providing her with cost you? I’d imagine if you’re feeeding yourselves and cooking an extra portion for a small child, it’s not likely to be much more than £1 per meal.

Agree with others....the cost for the mother of heating her house and paying rent or mortgage won’t reduce because she’s with you for a few extra hours. Presumably the mother buys her clothes and shoes etc. The extra expense you’re having really seems very small.

You're obsessing over 'overnights' but ignoring that, presumabaly your friend should be taking his child for half the holidays.

What an incredible and nasty post.

Your friend has resposibility to his daughter. Not you.

Hope you sorted the house out ok. All you are is flatmates in the case of a split.

He's pays less that £60 a week for his child and you want to reduce that? YABU I think

@CovidCorvid

Doesn’t matter what his ex earns or that she’s mortgage free. It has no implications on his responsibilities to his child.

This.

It's none of your business. It's between him and his child's mother.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

So he pays 8.21 a day towards her keep? Hardly onerous is it?

You do realise that many families have less than this to feed and clothe them all? To be honest I think £8.21 a day is pretty good, especially when you take the extra meals provided in to account as well.

I can feed 5 on less than £100 a week and that includes washing and cleaning products too. Granted there aren’t any fancy foodstuffs in that, but they are wholesome homemade meals, with plenty of fruit and veg (whatever is on offer). Clothes can also be bought cheaply in Asda, Tesco or Morrisons.

I do get where the OP is coming from, in that her own children probably don’t cost that amount each month. Housing and heating also cost pretty much the same, irrespective of how many live there.

What his ex earns is immaterial to his responsibility to contribute to his child's upbringing and the suggestion providing a few meals justifies a reduction is completely unreasonable.

Im sure everything will work out for u op
Everyone on this has the own opinion
But at the end of the day we dont live ur life
Hope everything works out well for u

I’ve just been on the calculator and based on approximates (but very close) have worked out :

If op’s husband is not claiming a reduction for her 2 dc then he must have a taxable income of approx £2100 pcm or £25k approx pa so the cm is approx 12%

If he is (as I and others suspect to be the case) claiming the reduction for those dc then he must have a taxable income of £2450pcm or £29,400 pa so the cm is approx 10%

Not a high earner but hardly on his uppers either.

Frankly how many Rp’s would get away with only spending 10% of their income on their kids?! Come on op!

And AGAIN the mothers earnings and job are IRRELEVANT - they are each 50% responsible for the child’s needs.

Certainly her having no mortgage is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

Only if he's shit enough to allow it

Yep!

Personally I think the reduction aspect of the system takes the piss! Step children aren’t a step parents responsibility and planning additional biological children shouldn’t be done with the view of spending less on existing children.

You work in education and you are this scathing of a young child, the ex isn’t your deputy head is she? All I can sense is jealousy.

Ooh interesting possibility!

And yes I too am shocked at the attitude to parental responsibility and nurturing by someone in education - makes me wonder about their education

Yanbu op. If he pays maintenance the mum should be paying for all clothing and clubs you know.

I'm surprised at all those saying clingy kids aren't well adjusted or secure...what an odd assertion!

I think you’ve got a point OP. Putting a child to bed and having daytime free to work etc is pretty valuable in itself.

Did you say she never wears the same outfit twice @Festivalgirl83

they are each 50% responsible for the child’s needs.

Yup and kids don’t cost £500 pcm.

OP has said she has a bedroom etc at each house so mortgage/utilities aren’t reduced at either house.

planning additional biological children shouldn’t be done with the view of spending less on existing children.

I’ve let my DC know that my salary will increase when his sibling arrives to ensure no less is spent on him, with him being existing. What rubbish - the pot must be spilt between everyone.

All I've read on here is from mums having a go at the step mum saying he is only spending 250 on his child. Does his housing needs and bills that he has to pay to live separately and house daughter not count towards money spent on child.

As suspected mums just want more and more of the money, who would have thought that then eh? Disgraceful

Does his housing needs and bills that he has to pay to live separately and house daughter not count towards money spent on child
No, everything an NRP provides for his DC is
A) not enough
B) Free
Don’t you read the threads on this board?

He's not paying much at all yet you want to reduce it AND work in education

Yikes

-She never has an outfit on twice and is always in ---brand new clothes and latest stuff.-

Why?
Are you trying to say the money goes on outfits? And you don't like this?

My ex pays me 150 a month for two children, he basically earns minimum wage. DP pays £1k a month for his three children, above the CMS calculation, and people have made comments to me about how his ex should be grateful etc or why is he doing it - although I find his ex irritating and I don’t like some of the things she says about money, I don’t agree she has to be grateful. They are his children and it is his responsibility to look after them. I also don’t consider that “we” pay maintenance, and I think phrasing it like that is a bit problematic OP and is why you are getting some of the comments you are. You aren’t paying it, he is. I understand that you live together etc but he would be paying that amount regardless, in fact his financial situation is probably improved by living with you. If yours is worse as a result, that’s a separate issue. You say you’ve been together three years, which isn’t long to blend finances.

I haven't RTFT but read a huge chunk of it and had to post as I can see the OP is getting a fair few "this is why second wives get a bad name" responses.

I think it's a fair and reasonable discussion for your DH to have with his ex, along with how to work on increasing overnights... though it may be best to work on increasing overnights first, as mum may not want to encourage that if she believes doing so is going to reduce her maintenance income, despite it being in child's best interests.

I post as one of those awful second wives / wicked stepmothers - where we have DSD 3 nights per week, sometimes 4 or 5, also do all the driving, plus DH pays at least his share (if not more!) of all the normal costs for holidays, school trips, uniforms, haircuts, toys, dancing classes, blah blah blah, and her mum happily takes CSA from DH as though DSD is only here every second weekend. DH would never question it as we love having DSD here and wouldn't want contact to be reduced to maintain the same maintenance amount. Maybe this is what gives ex wives a bad name!!

Maintenance should be a fair reflection of the cost of keeping a child. If both houses are paying mortgages for child to have own bedroom, heating, electrics, and sharing all reasonable costs in terms of school uniforms, trips, extra curricular, blah blah, then it does come down to food and other in person costs.

she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted

Sounds to me as though the mother was using breastfeeding as a tactic to alienate the child from her father - she wouldn't be the first woman to use underhand tactics like this knowing that if anybody says anything the 'breastfeeding mothers are the only parent that matters' brigade would bully the father into submission.

It is actually very harmful for the child to have been conditioned to the point that she is traumatised at spending even one night away from her mother.......the mother here is to blame for the lack of relationship between the child and father.

I would suggest he take it to court and get contact/overnight stays ordered legally....and get in on record that breastfeeding til the age of 3 years old has effectively caused the child harm.
Then he can work out the legal amount of maintennace he has to pay - and spend his own money on her directly when he has her.

Funny how some women will use breastfeeding as an excuse/tactic to keep a child away from its father yet expect the father to keep funding them!

Wow. He's paying the legal minimum required and you want to see if there is anyway he can get away with paying less?

Lovely people, the pair of you.