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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should we have to pay this much maintenance?

202 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 20:47

DP and I live together in a house we bought together last year. He has a DD (8) with ex wife who he split with when DD was a year old. I have 2 DC of my own.

His DD has never stayed overnight with him because mum firstly breast fed until she was 3 so he was unable to have her overnight for those first few years, she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted. However, she otherwise loves spending time with her Dad and being here and throughout all these years Dad has paid maintence.
His DD is now spending more time at ours than ever before, in the last 7 days she has been here for 4 full days and we give her all meals but goes home about 7pm, Dad does all the driving. This happens most weeks now.
We are starting to wonder if he could suggest paying less as we have her for sometimes more meal times and hours than her Mum but obviously maintenence is worked out on overnight stays.

Does this sound completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/04/2021 21:12

I’m going to play devils advocate here.
I think her mum has done a good job of making her so dependent that she won’t leave her side. This is not a healthy way for a child to be. The issue of money is a bit of a moot point as it’s worked out on overnights, and she doesn’t stay overnight. Maybe it suits her mum for her to not stay over - after all, that maximises her maintenance payments doesn’t it?
If this were to go to court, the courts would expect for her to be staying over, and would most likely look towards a gradual increase of this. The fact that she comes over so often through choice shows that she’s happy to be there.
Does she have her own room there? This may be the sticking point.

ihavenowords30 · 07/04/2021 21:13

If we were having the kids 4 days per week but they went home after tea to sleep I would want maintenance to be stopped as it's almost 50/50 care if you are happy to provide overnights but the child doesn't want them that is not your DPs fault and he is providing food/bills/clothing and leisure plus travel for half the week

Pebbledashery · 07/04/2021 21:13

£250 a month sounds about right. That's £8 a day in a 31 day month.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:14

@Soontobe60

I’m going to play devils advocate here. I think her mum has done a good job of making her so dependent that she won’t leave her side. This is not a healthy way for a child to be. The issue of money is a bit of a moot point as it’s worked out on overnights, and she doesn’t stay overnight. Maybe it suits her mum for her to not stay over - after all, that maximises her maintenance payments doesn’t it? If this were to go to court, the courts would expect for her to be staying over, and would most likely look towards a gradual increase of this. The fact that she comes over so often through choice shows that she’s happy to be there. Does she have her own room there? This may be the sticking point.
Yes we moved to a four bed house especially for this, just had her bedroom decorated for her exactly how she wants too, it is all set up for her.
OP posts:
KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:15

Has she given any reason why she doesn't want to stay?

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:15

If she stayed 2 night this would only reduce maintenence by about £30 anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:16

@KoalaOok

Has she given any reason why she doesn't want to stay?
Just says she would miss mummy. Honestly we have tried everything we can think of to get her to stay over!
OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 07/04/2021 21:17

OP, he is not paying very much in CS as it is. A reduction would seem unreasonable given the relatively small amount that he is paying now. Unless this child has a massive appetite, she is probably not causing much if any increase in your food budget.

excelledyourself · 07/04/2021 21:17

How come she's never stayed overnight with him, but you all went on holiday together last year?

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:17

Zoom/phone call to mum whenever she wants? It must be so hard as it relies on mum being cooperative.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 21:18

Why is he not starting this thread? It's his child. Does he want to decrease the maintenance?

ElderMillennial · 07/04/2021 21:19

Its all relative - the payment should be proportionate to his earnings.

We don't have details of either household's financial income and expenses.

Feelinghothothottoday · 07/04/2021 21:19

You are aware that csa guidelines are the absolute minimum.

Twinkie01 · 07/04/2021 21:20

£3000 a year isn't much of a contribution though.

How much does your ex pay for his kids?

ElderMillennial · 07/04/2021 21:23

@Twinkie01

£3000 a year isn't much of a contribution though.

How much does your ex pay for his kids?

Why is this relevant?

OP's partner will be paying based on his income and OP's ex will be paying based on his.

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/04/2021 21:23

No overnights means no decrease in maintenance

Chooseausernamenow · 07/04/2021 21:24

250 quid a month isn’t excessive at all. Of course he shouldn’t reduce what he pays just because he feeds his daughter a few times a week. I think you need to concentrate on your own children and let him deal with this, unless you’re trying to cause a breakdown in his relationship with his ex.

HeartsAndClubs · 07/04/2021 21:26

And this is why second wives/partners get such a bad name.

They move in with a man with kids and then start complaining that he has to pay for those kids, even though it’s the minimum. How very dare the mother of his child want money to bring up her child.

And it won’t be 4 days a week will it? She’s 8 and at school, so the majority of the time she will be at her mum’s, she won’t be eating breakfast and lunch at yours, at most she’ll eat a couple of extra meals if she comes to you after school and you’re wining that he pays the minimum he can get away with as it is?

HeartsAndClubs · 07/04/2021 21:30

My ex has many failings (hence why he’s my ex,) but the one thing he has never quibbled about is money, and he pays over the CMS amount for maintenance. Actually it should probably go up at this point but I haven’t challenged it because we worked it all out amicably and he pays me SM as well.

I am aware that his partner doesn’t like it. But whatever her views are, he’s never repeated those back to me or have it affect the money he pays me.

If anything you should be asking him how it is that he feels £250 a month is an adequate amount to bring up a child. You only allocate £250 a month for your kids do you? No, didn’t think so.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:36

I don't get anywhere near that amount from my ex no but he fiddles his accounts as self employed so that's another story!
And no I don't think it costs me £250 for 2 children actually, if I didn't have kids my gas/electric would be the same I'd have the heating on for myself?

OP posts:
HoldontoOneMoreDay · 07/04/2021 21:36

Three grand a year to maintain a child.

I usually avoid the step-parenting threads because they can turn so bashy so quickly but... cmon OP, 3 grand a year to house and clothe a child and you think it's too much because you've chucked a few extra fish fingers at her?

worried3012 · 07/04/2021 21:37

I'd let it go OP. Things change all the time , in a few weeks the DD may spend less time there and so forth and you can't keep changing maintenance amount ad hoq based on how many more meals you've served her that week. For more significant long term changes then fair enough but from what you've said you won't get anywhere with the CSA trying to reduce payments.

ElderMillennial · 07/04/2021 21:37

You only allocate £250 a month for your kids do you? No, didn’t think so.

You don't know what OP "allocates" to her children or what maintenance she receives so this is a little rude.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:38

@excelledyourself

How come she's never stayed overnight with him, but you all went on holiday together last year?
We went away for two nights and it was extremely difficult. She cried each night and my DP ended up sleeping with her both nights as she sobbed for her Mum
OP posts:
Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 21:38

£3000 a year isn't much of a contribution though

£3000 plus food when she is at their house, and heating, electric and toys etc.

I agree that something needs to change, are you sure Mums not saying she would miss her too much and encouraging her to come home? I would try build up to her staying so that as she gets older it feels more of a home to her.