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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

189 replies

CarolineIreland · 31/05/2020 12:17

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

OP posts:

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YgritteSnow · 31/05/2020 12:17

No I don't think you are actually but you won't get much agreement I don't think.

Loopyloopy · 31/05/2020 12:19

If it was just you and the kids, then I don't think it's unreasonable. However, I think it would be very unreasonable for your partner not to be on paternity leave.

Fairenuff · 31/05/2020 12:19

I think it's important to keep the child's routine so that she doesn't feel pushed out by the new baby. Your partner should take time off work so that he can be there too on the days that she is.

Wheelerdeeler · 31/05/2020 12:20

Surely your partner will be off?

MellowBird85 · 31/05/2020 12:20

No that’s completely reasonable. I’d go as far to say why should you be providing free childcare when your partners as work (I wouldn’t) but each to their own.

PotteringAlong · 31/05/2020 12:21

She’s 11. Realistically how much hands on looking after does an 11 year old need? It’s not like she’s a toddler.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 31/05/2020 12:22

Make your partner take the 2 weeks paternity leave and try to keep the same contact schedule for DSD where possible. You shouldn’t be providing childcare. Her father needs to make alternative arrangements if he intends not to be looking after his daughter himself during his contact time.

Chuffingchuff · 31/05/2020 12:23

I would just insist that while he is on paternity leave he is solely responsible for any care she may need. I wouldn't prevent her coming though, she also needs to bond with her new sibling.

FloralStreet · 31/05/2020 12:24

If she was your DD would you still send her away for that week?

happytoday73 · 31/05/2020 12:24

Surely it would make more sense for your stepchild to be with you when her dad is about? Generally... Even if no baby due.....I fc you weren't about how would he cope with those days.

I do think different arrangements should be made for first few weeks.. In a way that doesn't make her feel left out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 31/05/2020 12:27

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Surely he can take annual leave for the first 2 weeks so he can take care of his own child? It's not as though you are demanding that he doesn't see his daughter & lets her feel pushed out. It would also be nice if he took the opportunity to pamper & take care of you a bit.
Could you phrase it that he takes leave so that he makes his daughter feel important to be a big sister whilst also giving her exclusive time with him which is special. You can then use that time to be alone with your baby/catch up with things for you if baby is asleep.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2020 12:27

What do you mean she requires a lot of attention? This is unusual for an eleven year old, does she have additional needs?

I think it’s important she doesn’t feel pushed out and gets to meet her sibling and feel part of the family,

I think it’s interesting how you’re only five months pregnant and you’re already asking if she can not be there, which indicates there is another issue in terms of your relationship with her.

Most people wouldn’t even be considering this at this stage, and if they weren’t up to it at the time, it then would occur to them, but four or five months before you’ve even given birth you’re already asking for her to stay away.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 31/05/2020 12:28

Sending your step daughter away is not ok. But requiring your partner to be home to assist with a household in a state of adjustment is absolutely reasonable.

The first two weeks at least, your partner should be home, taking care of all members of the family including DSD.

You would not send your own daughter away the week a new sibling came home, so don't be so callous to your DSD.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 12:28

YANBU to want to be with your baby etc but yabu to exited an 11 to not just see "daddy and Step mom have a new child now, you can't come over". I think the only caveat is if you go into labour over the weekend - what's the childcare arrangements?

Why isn't your partner taking paternity leave?

What's the school run like? I'd also say he needs to be ensuring he's doing that in your late pregnancy and when baby is tiny

MellowBird85 · 31/05/2020 12:28

If she was your DD would you still send her away for that week?

It’s not her DD though, it’s her SD and therefore completely different. Stop being goady.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 31/05/2020 12:29

You shouldn't be looking after your SD unless it is an emergency. She comes to see her dad not you. Your partner needs to change his work hours so it coincides with when she comes over. This is how we manage.

She however does need to bond with her half-sibling so the sooner she meets the baby the better.

KylieKoKo · 31/05/2020 12:30

I think your partner needs to rearrange contact or his work schedule so he can spend time with his child when she is there. And I would say this even if you weren't pregnant. Surely contact is so that the child gets time with her father!

Original poster

CarolineIreland · 31/05/2020 12:31

Sorry i should have been more clear. He will be taking some paternity leave and of course she will be here whilst he is off. I just mean when he is not here and im with the baby by myself and this would only be for a short time till i find my feet with the baby. Not anything more than the first week or so when he goes back to work. I love the wee girl very much and would never want her to feel pushed out. She is very lively and honestly im just worried about how i would cope by myself. Not that she is a problem but more along the lines of me possibly not being up to scratch as a parent to the both of them until i find my feet.

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 31/05/2020 12:31

I don't think you can, really. If your stepchild lived with you full time, would you want that time? If you have another baby in a couple of years time, will you want your toddler to move out for a week? It's the same thing, in your SD's perception - she can't come home because of her new sibling. FWIW I had teenage stepsons when DS was born, who lived with us full time. I think it helped us to all bond as a family.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 12:31

It’s not her DD though, it’s her SD and therefore completely different. Stop being goady.
But it is daughter and he's Ecclefechan to send his daughter away because he's got a new one, and she's been in the child life for most of it so presumably she has some concern for the child's welfare

NeuroAtypical · 31/05/2020 12:32

Don't think it's unreasonable to want to find your feet after you've just had your child, whether that means having some personal space or time alone.

However, I'm wondering why you say the eleven year old requires a lot of attention from waking to sleep, does she have additional needs?

BendingSpoons · 31/05/2020 12:32

Your fiancé needs to take paternity leave, book some holiday or at least work favourable shifts for the first few weeks. It's a big adjustment having a baby, especially your first, and you will benefit from having support. I don't think you should stop her coming though.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 31/05/2020 12:32

What is the contact schedule and why is she coming when her parent can’t look after her?

Sheera1 · 31/05/2020 12:35

You need to treat her like she is your family. Step or biological. If she was yours you would not be sending her away.

However, for any new baby I would expect your partner to be taking initial paternity leave and any father needs to step up with care for existing children while you have to be the primary carer for your baby.

I would also be expecting my existing children to be part of the new addition and to help or make things easier by being a bit more independent esp at 11. My son is 10 and has additional needs and he is very dependent on me in lots of ways. He is my partner's stepson or will be when we can get married after covid.

I will he integrating ds into our new life so he is not left out and expect my partner to be fully hands on initially with the new addition and with ds and make sure I have time with my son too and make sure he spends lots of time bonding with us but also respect his need for space and let's face it, babies are boring and he is 10.

If my partner suggested I send my son to his dad initially he would be burned alive tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 12:35

@CarolineIreland she's going to feel pushed out if suddenly she can't be home with you when she normally is.
Assuming no LD, she's old enough for you (and DH) to stay preparing her now.
"When the baby comes I won't be able to do all this Gertrude, you'll have to help me out a bit more." etc.

Also who does school runs etc? I think he needs to be sorting that if it falls on you.

You'll cope with them both as well as if you have another DC in 11 years time and therefore they're both with you full time.

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