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Original poster

I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

189 replies

CarolineIreland · 31/05/2020 12:17

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

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gavisconismyfriend · 31/05/2020 12:37

She might turn out to be a real help OP. I loved helping with babies when I was that age, so rather than having to occupy her as you do now, you might find she blossoms in the big sister role and really enjoys just spending time with you and the baby.

Devlesko · 31/05/2020 12:37

Your husband should be there to take care of her, if he's taking leave then he can parent her. When he goes back to work she goes home to her mum?

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/05/2020 12:38

Firstly, I am always bemused by posters who say they wouldn't do any childcare for their DH's kids. Do people seriously live like that? I wouldn't have married my DH if he didn't love and care for my DC from my previous marriage and if he said he didn't want to look after them whilst I was at work or busy, I would seriously question our relationship.

Secondly, you married a man with a child. If you wanted time alone with just your baby and your DH, you should've chosen a man who didn't already have kids.

Thirdly what will you do if you have a second child in say 5 years time? Kick your first child out so he or she doesn't get in the way?

I think your feelings are probably quite natural but they are mean-spirited and for the sake of your family harmony and relationship, I would do my best to suppress them and to include your SD in all of this like the big sister that she is.

Fairenuff · 31/05/2020 12:39

Does he work weekends? If not could he take Thursday and Fridays off for 4 weeks after paternity leave ends? That would be 8 days annual leave and give you a whole month of support on the days when DSD is there too?

BiggerBoat1 · 31/05/2020 12:39

Absolutely not acceptable. The poor child would feel so pushed out. People do manage to have more than one child you know. If she was your biological child this thought would not have occurred to you. Slightly worrying that you feel this way about a child you've had as part of your family since she was two.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 31/05/2020 12:39

When he goes back to work she goes home to her mum?

If it’s his contact time he needs to arrange childcare- not just assume Mum is free and happy to have her when he can’t. Unless the reverse is also fine?

Saltystraw · 31/05/2020 12:39

I don’t think you can but I 100% understand why you want too. I just went through it recently. I had my partners 6yr old come and stay for 4 nights less then 24hours after giving birth. It’s how the schedule fell and I didn’t think it was right for me to ask for that to be changed, but it was so so hard and I was so relived when those days were up. I was sore and hormonal and trying to find my feet. He took up a lot of my partners time and wanted to touch his sibling all the time and it was very hard to deal with and I had to keep it all to myself because i didn’t think it was fair on them that I felt that way. But it’s what I signed up for and it does get easier with time. Now I’m very proud of the bond they have

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 12:40

When he goes back to work she goes home to her mum? so he goes back to work after two weeks, and she's not allowed back until Dad's off days coincide with her contact days? For how long?

MellowBird85 · 31/05/2020 12:41

It’s hardly “sending her away”. An expectant new mum is asking for a week Confused I’m sure the SD will survive.

This is just another example of stepchildren being treated like they’re made of glass and a stepparent being made to feel guilty for a small, reasonable request.

Saltystraw · 31/05/2020 12:41

I don’t think comparing to you having a second child is right because this is not your second child. It is your first. This will be all new to you.

coronabeer23 · 31/05/2020 12:42

I don’t think you should be running around after your SD just as if she were your bio child you shouldn’t be running around after giving birth. However, she’s 11, she needs to keep to her routine but just don’t limit her phone time and she’ll be fine! Equally she’s 11 and you and her dad can be very clear with her before the baby comes about what is likely to change and how she will need to be prepared. Unless she has additional needs I really can’t see how an 11 can be a problem. Obviously if it’s a school day her dad needs to sort out getting her there and he needs to be the one sorting out her washing, meals etc in the short term but that’s not a SD thing, that’s normal in a house with a new baby

Moreisnnogedag · 31/05/2020 12:43

On the ‘what if she was Your dd would you send her away?’ But surely if that was the case the OP would already have had the time finding her feet with a newborn? She would know how she copes with a newborn because she would already have had one. This is her first so cut her a bit iof slack...

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 12:45

An expectant new mum is asking for a week confused I’m sure the SD will survive. and if she hasn't found her feet after a week? Op is suggesting one week after dad returns to find her feet but anyone with a child knows it can take longer.

lazyarse123 · 31/05/2020 12:46

You'll have four days a week to get used to being a mum. Poor kid you can't push her out of her own home.

SD1978 · 31/05/2020 12:46

Given that this has been a 9 year arrangement- yes sorry you are being unreasonable. She is an established meme we if your family, as is this arrangement

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/05/2020 12:47

You really mustn't send her away. What sort of message would that be giving her?
She's 11 not 2. She is your baby's big sister. If you're not wanting her there then you shouldnt have chosen to have a baby with someone who already has children.

MellowBird85 · 31/05/2020 12:50

Op is suggesting one week after dad returns to find her feet but anyone with a child knows it can take longer.

Maybe so but OP isn’t asking for anything open-ended . We all know how overwhelming having your first is and hormones all over the place. She just wants a few days to settle in, in peace. That is not much to ask.

Jaxhog · 31/05/2020 12:53

Perfectly reasonable.

She isn't your SC until you are married, btw. She's your BF's daughter. I'd also be concerned that your BF isn't present during his contact time. That makes you the unpaid childminder. He needs to step up a bit more, and he definitely needs to take paternity leave during your first couple of weeks. No way would I agree to mind his child while I have a new born. That is quite unreasonable.

Lynda07 · 31/05/2020 12:54

Will your husband not have time off from work during the first couple of weeks of your baby's life? In that time he can look after his daughter as well as you and your new baby. You may find your step daughter becomes very mature almost overnight when she is a 'big sister'. All she needs to be told is what she can do to help and when to leave you alone to rest.

Don't stop her coming over, she will feel excluded and she is part of your family. However her input does need to be carefully guided. Discuss it in detail with your husband.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 31/05/2020 12:58

Just for the first few days sounds reasonable as long as you deal with it wisely, don’t make too big a thing of it and don’t make her feel her nose has been put out of joint. More than a very few days is unreasonable I think, but yes in the early days your OH should be there.

Letthemysterybe · 31/05/2020 12:59

What sort of relationship do you have with her mother?

Muh2020 · 31/05/2020 13:00

YANBU at all.

And I think you need more than a week.
Surely your DH can see this?

Would it kill the mother not to send her to yours, for just a few weeks?

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2020 13:01

Surely she'll adapt like most kids do?

Even kids half her age tend to realise the baby's taking up a lot of the mother's time and so they learn to amuse themselves more, or get involved and help.

I'd be more inclined to sit her down and speak to her about helping you care for her sibling etc.

highmarkingsnowbile · 31/05/2020 13:04

Not that she is a problem but more along the lines of me possibly not being up to scratch as a parent to the both of them until i find my feet.

Bet you London to a brick he isn't at all worried about being up to scratch as a parent to both of them.

TemoraryUsername · 31/05/2020 13:05

I think I'd be going for can he save up his holiday/TOIL hours and be off on the days his daughter is there for the furst 6 weeks or so approach. He needs to be around when his daughter is there to help his daughter with the transition as well as to parent both his kids. If he were a woman, nobody would think it was reasonable that her job would be considered too important to take days off to look after her own daughter and her new one.

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