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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

189 replies

CarolineIreland · 31/05/2020 12:17

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

OP posts:

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TemoraryUsername · 31/05/2020 13:06

First* (oh for an edit button)

Floralnomad · 31/05/2020 13:06

I wouldn’t stop her coming but I’d be starting to prepare the expectation now ie she makes you a cup of tea whilst you sit down etc at 11 , unless there are additional needs that you’ve not mentioned she should be perfectly capable of entertaining herself and being a help not a hindrance.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 31/05/2020 13:06

Why can't she just stay with her mother for a couple of weeks? Sorted!

Humberbear · 31/05/2020 13:06

If she is 11 now, she will be at senior school by the time the baby arrives. You might only have her after school for 2 days and on a saturday. Kids that age don't take much looking after.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 31/05/2020 13:10

Why can't she just stay with her mother for a couple of weeks? Sorted!

Does her mother get a say in that? Or should her mother just accept that her ex’s + girlfriends convenience takes priority over her free time?

matchboxtwentyunwell · 31/05/2020 13:12

yabu

and quite unkind to even suggest it

The message you would be sending to her is awful: oooh, I'm getting a child of my own now, off you go.

midsummabreak · 31/05/2020 13:13

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for your birth and first few weeks adjusting as a mum. Understandable you are nervous about being a first time mum of a newborn, and I wouldn't be surprised if your stepdaughter is also understandably anxious to perform her role well as your baby's big sister !

You may find that baby bonds you together more, as you both find your feet in your new roles as new Mum and new big sister.

11 year old Dsd may be an anxious to please big sister who is happy to be gently guided by you to do little jobs such as bring you a nappy. Praising her for being a great helper , may be a win- win, as you adjust to being sleep deprived new parents.
Hopefully your partner can reassure his daughter that he will still always have time for her, despite the new addition to your family. Could he maybe allocate a few hours with just her every weekend , so you get alone time with baby?

Alsohuman · 31/05/2020 13:15

@MellowBird85

It’s hardly “sending her away”. An expectant new mum is asking for a week

I’m sure the SD will survive.

This is just another example of stepchildren being treated like they’re made of glass and a stepparent being made to feel guilty for a small, reasonable request.

No, it’s an example of not making a child feel pushed out or sidelined when a new baby arrives on the scene.

MeridianB · 31/05/2020 13:16

Op, you should take a week or two and your DH should support you in this. His DD can come over and visit for an hour or two and meet the baby and then maybe your DH can take her out for some 1:1 time for a few hours but it won’t hurt her to skip staying for one weekend. Buy her a gift from the baby, give her lots of reassurance and get her involved when you’re ready. It will all fall into place in time.

And to all the people saying ‘ you wouldn’t send her away if she was yours’, well she is not yours so the relationship is different and you’re the one who will have just given birth, so you do get to decide that one solitary weekend can run differently.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 31/05/2020 13:18

I think it really depends on what the contact schedule is. If it’s 50/50 and the OP will be doing daytime childcare then I think that needs to change but if the DSD only comes for one night EOW then I wouldnt expect to alter that for a new baby arriving

Sarahandco · 31/05/2020 13:19

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him to arrange things so that she is only there whilst he is there while you get to grips with the baby.

To avoid alienating sd might be better for DH to change his shifts to fit with the days she mormally comes.

curlyhairdiva · 31/05/2020 13:19

You're definitely not being unreasonable! Honestly, I think that anyone who judges you for this has probably never been through this experience to understand. Sit down with your partner and explain how you're feeling, hopefully you can come to some sort of agreement. Good luck

Di11y · 31/05/2020 13:23

is there no way he can take extra leave so he's around for the first 3-4 weeks and you're not on your own? otherwise plan some simple activities she can do herself with minimal help and agree a movie she'd like etc and lower your expectations of 'parenting' her while your DH is at work.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/05/2020 13:23

i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work

He should be there for his child during his contact time. That is the point of it.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 31/05/2020 13:23

You can't push your step daughter out just as a new baby comes into the family. That's a recipe for disaster.

If it was your own daughter you wouldn't do it. And you shouldn't do it in this case.

A82971151 · 31/05/2020 13:24

Won’t your partner be on paternity leave so he will be home to help?

I wouldn’t change the 11 year olds routine too much, she might feel rejected and pushed away.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/05/2020 13:25

I think it really depends on what the contact schedule is

The OP has said what the contact schedule is in her first post.

The long and short of it is that contact is about contact with the NRP, not the SM. Your fiance should be there when his DD is.

I’m reading “lively” as “undisciplined”. Is that the problem?

daisyjgrey · 31/05/2020 13:26

I had two step children who lived with us full time (EOW with Mum) when I had my daughter, at the time they were 5 and 8. (Ex)Husband had two weeks off, kids were with us apart from the first few days and it was tough. They stayed with their mum for a week when ExH went back to work and then were home.

On the plus side at 11 she is able to help you and requires little direct physical help (can wash/dress herself etc). It was quite handy having small excited humans running off to fetch nappies and the like.

Just make sure between now and the birth you start talking to her about helping with the baby and maybe get her to plan some activities she can do at home that don't need you to do much, and things you can both watch on Netflix together etc.

(At 11, she can also knock you up a sandwich...)

Spotsonmyapples · 31/05/2020 13:26

It's ok to be worried about how you'll manage, I don't think it's ok to not have your SD as you would usually. It's three days and she's 11. You won't be able to parent as before as you didn't have a newborn before and that's ok, everyone needs to adjust but I think not having your SD there is unreasonable.

rach2713 · 31/05/2020 13:28

At 11 years old she would be more than capable off entertaining herself. Would you send your own child away so you can find your feet with a newborn so it's a but unfair to ask your partner to do that. Yes he takes leave and helps out but would stop his daughter coming on the set days she is use to..

Cheeeeislifenow · 31/05/2020 13:29

I thinks it's a bit sad after nine years you don't see her as a permanent member of your family.

TARSCOUT · 31/05/2020 13:30

OP if you're still reading, congratulations!. You still have 4 months to go so try to stop worrying. You can see how you feel once baby is born when your DH goes back after paternity leave. You might find it's a breeze and have no issues or you might find DSD is a great help, or you may find you need some time just you and baby. Try not to get worked up about it.

Scruffyoak · 31/05/2020 13:30

I would have been livid at the mere suggestion! She is 11 and she will love meeting her new sibling.

pinktaxi · 31/05/2020 13:30

Your DP should take paternity leave or at the very least arrange to be there with his DD for a few weeks. It would be unkind for the DD to be pushed out of the excitement of a new baby. It's hard enough being the child of divorced parents, without feeling a second rejection.

Paperchainpopp · 31/05/2020 13:31

Hi OP. I think if you only want a week or 2 to yourself that’s totally fine. But like others have said at aged 11 a child should be able to watch a film for a couple of hours or play a game. As long as you are aware your all a family and everyone needs to be included.

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