I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

[CarolineIreland]

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

YANBU.

I posted a similar thread years back when I had my first baby and I got my arse handed to me. Was told I hated my step child, was a selfish, shit mum, etc.

Good luck OP!

If she was your DD would you still send her away for that week?

don't be so ridiculous. The feelings are not the same. Even if you love a stepchild it is not the same, others peoples children tbh are usually annoying. Especially if they're inflicted on you often

Not comparable though is it? If you’re going to ask a goady question then I’ll give you a goady answer...Her stepdaughter isn’t her daughter, so it’s a completely different relationship which carries completely different dynamics and completely different feelings with it. If she was having her second baby she wouldn’t mind her first child being around while her child’s father is at work.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Spot on!

YANBU OP. Also , having her every single weekend is not fair on you at all. You need to put your foot down.

I'm actually staggered that you're doing childcare and school runs during your BF's contact time with his daughter, when he isn't even there...surely the whole point of contact time is for him to spend time with his child??
He needs to either rearrange his work hours or change the contact days so that he can actually be there and parent his child. It's not your responsibility.

I'm also puzzled as to why you're getting a hard time on this thread, what you're asking for isn't unreasonable, like I said your partner should be taking responsibility for looking after his child, not using you as a free babysitter, while you also have a new baby to look after! As for people saying "oh but what if this was your own child", we'll she's not though, is she? She has doesn't even live with you full time and she has her own mother. That's not to say you can't still have a great relationship but your partner really needs to be pulling his weight more and actually be a parent.

You sound like you are worrying a bit, and it is it likely to be absolutely fine. My SD was 9 when my DS was born and I have to say I cannot relate to so many of these posts. We didn't even consider not having her with us unless we were all in hospital with complications etc. My DH (Not married at the time) was my rock in parenting and finding my feet as a new mum, as he had done it before. He took 2 weeks paternity and he looked after me baby and SD (for the days she was with us) However I guess a major factor in our situation was my DH never worked at all on the days we had SD ever. He sought a work pattern to enable him to have his daughter 50/50 and no it wasn't so he didn't have to pay maintenance (it's false to believe that, all NRP have to pay even 50/50). It was because he wanted to give her his time and to look after her. I don't think the issue here is your feelings of nervousness at coping but how your partner steps up and supports you and his children.

It's not just that she's your SD, it's also that this is your first child, and dealing with the newborn stage is really hard the first time around. At least the second time you have an idea of what to expect and to do, so juggling another child at the same time isn't quite as daunting.

But, you mention that she's also a spoilt granddaughter, so there are grandparents around? Could they step in a little but when your DH goes back to work to make sure she doesn't feel pushed out, and to give you a bit of a hand. It would be awful for your relationship with your SD to suffer because of this.

OP
If having a baby is so alien, why not use this time, with your step daughter, to learn about baby care. If you are learning together, she can really feel a part of everything, and will be a help.

Maybe explain to her that when her dad goes back to work,you'll need an extra set of hands.

I think you may change your mind too. It's nice having someone else there to watch the baby while you go to the loo/ make a cup of tea etc

@Neednewwellies i think you've got it. That is what i was hoping to do. @funinthesun19 thankyou. @MrsOfBebbanburg maybe if i were to ask my partner to sort of school runs for me rather than sort out alternative childcare that might be more reasonable. @Pugsrus i wouldn't want my SD to go a babysitter when my partner is at work. Ive been happily looking after her since she was two. I love her very much and under normal circumstances i wouldn't change a thing. Ive just been feeling worried about my ability to parent both kids well by myself. When finding my feet.

"She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us."
Her time in your household is meant to be her contact time with HIM, her parent. He's short-changing his daughter. He should be there for her.

maybe if i were to ask my partner to sort of school runs for me rather than sort out alternative childcare that might be more reasonable.

Sort out school runs for himself. Not for you. School runs aren’t your responsibility.

A week or two won’t hurt at all. You’ll be better recovered and have found your feet after that time and it will be a more relaxed environment to welcome your SD back into to meet her new sibling so beneficial for everyone
Sometimes children have to know things can change temporarily and a couple of weeks isn’t a lot it also gives your partner time to either look after you depending on the birth and help out with the baby so that you both have his undivided attention. When that week or two is over things go back to normal it should t have to be a big issue at all especially as you’re 5 months you have time to plan and prepare SD

My step children were a great help when I had dd, they come over the day after I gave birth, I was a bit worried as I was still in a lot of pain and struggling with dd, my step son (11 at the time) was a great help and held dd most of the day so I could have a rest. I don’t think there was ever a time where they made things harder.

Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum?

No as long as the other arrangements are for your partner to be at home and doing whatever is necessary. You should have the time to concentrate on your new baby and recovering from the birth (who knows if you will need a section) and establishing breast feeding if that's what you are doing.

Your DSD should still be able to come though, she's the new baby's sister after all. What shouldn't be expected is that you will provide childcare when your DH is at work unless he's doing a job when he absolutely cannot take time off - I assume he's not the prime minister though so that won't apply.

"He took up a lot of my partners time and wanted to touch his sibling all the time and it was very hard to deal with and I had to keep it all to myself because i didn’t think it was fair on them that I felt that way."

"She isn't your SC until you are married, btw. She's your BF's daughter. I'd also be concerned that your BF isn't present during his contact time. That makes you the unpaid childminder. He needs to step up a bit more, and he definitely needs to take paternity leave during your first couple of weeks. No way would I agree to mind his child while I have a new born. That is quite unreasonable."

Not even read the rest of the comments because comments like these just make me sad. A child from a broken home (and yes, it is a broken first family) needs to feel loved and wanted and PART OF THE FAMILY of BOTH families.

If you have these type of attitudes, then it's no wonder that there are so many kids and teens with difficult relationships with divorced parents/step parents. A child in this situation needs to feel like it has TWO homes and TWO families, where they are equally loved and at home and accepted in each.

Yes, I get that you will be a first time mum, OP, so it's different to everyone else with an 11 year old who has already been through it. BUT you are a first time mum with a step-child. And you need to take that on board. It's Thursday-Sat, just a few days a week. The rest of the week is plenty of time to find your feet as a first time mum. Plenty of second time mums with an older sibling in the house dont' get a break from the older sibling for YEARS. Literally years. And most of the time, the first child is still a toddler/jpre-schooler needing proper looking after constantly.

Look, the situation is that the man you love has a past family. They come WITH him, whether you like it or not. You have to maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife as she will be in your life for years to come. You have to treat your step-child as a member of your own family, it's a simple as that.

I think it would be fair to ask for, say, the first day/night back from the hospital without your step child there if it falls on a night when she'd be there, as that's what plenty of second time mums do - first child goes to grandparents for a day & night often during the birth/first day after.

I think it will be good for you all bonding as your own family for her to be there, honestly.

YANBU! I am surprised why your fiancé didn’t think about this before. Giving birth and having a new baby is exhausting. I think he should go out of his way to make sure you get a lot of rest during that time and it is impossible with an 11-year old around. Why can’t she stay with her mum or either set of grandparents/aunties etc..for a while? It sounds like he is a dick.

I don’t think you should do that. This is an important relationship for your baby. Whilst she is ‘only’ your SD she will always be your baby’s big sister for the rest of her life. Get your DP to take decent paternity leave and holiday if he can so that you aren’t left dealing with SD alone (Id say the same if she was your child) but invest in the relationship. Find ways to celebrate and help your SD bond. Tell her you’re so glad your baby has the best big sister in the world. You and your baby will benefit for a lifetime.

And to all the people saying ‘ you wouldn’t send her away if she was yours’, well she is not yours so the relationship is different and you’re the one who will have just given birth, so you do get to decide that one solitary weekend can run differently.

So many things wrong with this. The child is still the full child of its father. The child should NOT be sent away from her father's (and HER) home.

Not a step parent, so speaking without any experience but with a genuine question: what's up with all the parents (men primarily) that end up leaving their partners do the childcare and rearing of their offspring, when as far as I understand it they should be spending time with their kids a d raising them themselves? Am I missing something or is this standard and why do people put up with it?

I think you are overthinking things and be apprehensive because this is a completely new situation for you. I think it is very understandable that you are having these worries. But I think rather than a solution involving your SD not coming as usual, you should rather talk to her about expectations and what it will be like and get her on board. She is at an age where she can be of real help and she may enjoy and flourish with a little responsibility.

OP you sound lovely. I think it’s a good idea to say your SD can come as usual but your partner has to take care of the school runs, and manage her expectations for how things will be a bit different.

YANBU

She isn't your SC until you are married, btw. She's your BF's daughter.

Oh do fuck off.

I don’t understand the point of contact arrangements which take place when the parent is working. What would he do if he wasn’t with you OP?

You aren't being at all unreasonable. She is welcome when your DH is there to look after her. If he can't be there then neither can she in the early days.

Ignore the stupid remarks about what you'd do if she was your own DD. The question wouldn't arise. Some people just like to stir the pot.