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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

189 replies

CarolineIreland · 31/05/2020 12:17

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Thecovidblues · 31/05/2020 17:52

If you want to fuck up your step daughter then go ahead. I’m not being dramatic, a new sibling in her blended family will turn her world upside down enough without her usual routine being changed a few weeks in.
Speaking from similar experience, I am telling you that you can not do this to a girl of that age. It may seem minor to you and to those who have no experience of a situation like this but to her, it will mean a lot and it’s the first step in her becoming ‘the other kid’ outside of your perfect family set up.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 18:04

@VividImagination

I'm actually staggered that you're doing childcare and school runs during your BF's contact time with his daughter, when he isn't even there

Ditto

Flabbergasted how some women let men get away with this crap. If he can’t accommodate her she doesn’t come. What would happen if you weren’t there.

I think this is very odd. When I married dh he came with a daughter (and two older teenaged sons - but that’s different). When she was at our house we both looked after her. Dh did most of the school runs, pick ups etc but if he was working or busy then I did it. Now she’s the mother of our dgs and, sadly, her mother had died. I do all her childcare and all the daytime school activities that she can’t go to when she’s working. We have lovely days out together with dgs. She remembers what I did for her as a child and that is the basis for our strong relationship now.

Don’t let anyone put you off having a great relationship with your dsd. It might get you all through the teenaged years!

Agree. I actually think some people think the step parent should ignore the step child as much as possible. Making lunch for your 3 kids? Make he makes lunch for his own. Step child gets to yours before their father? Make her sit on the step.

Surely if you take on someone with a child, Wakefield one so young as per op, the exorcist is that your I part taking on a commitment to their care.

SheldonSaysSo1 · 31/05/2020 18:08

By the time paternity leave has ended and your step daughter comes to stay again your baby will be almost 3 weeks old. At 11 years old she is old enough to understand that you'll be tired and those days you may just watch movies together. I don't see why she can't amuse herself or join you on the sofa with the baby. It'll be a great time for her to bond with her new sibling and you will have had a couple of weeks so will feel a bit more confident. To some extent she can look after you and help out with a few 'big sister' jobs.

KylieKoKo · 31/05/2020 18:11

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners if the mum was expecting someone who had just given birth to continue regular free childcare then I would say this is bad too

Cheeeeislifenow · 31/05/2020 18:18

Do some people see step children as children who visit? That's her house she lives there. When the Op or anyone married someone with a child you are taking on a parenting role in some reepect. The child isn't a visitor to your home, the child lives there and has two homes.
MNs view of step parenting is odd.

joystir59 · 31/05/2020 18:25

She is a child and part and parcel of your family. You should want to play an active parenting role in her life, she is part of the package you signed up to when you got involved with her father. She stays as normal. Your oh takes paternity leave.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/05/2020 18:30

Surely if you take on someone with a child, Wakefield one so young as per op, the exorcist is that your I part taking on a commitment to their care.

WHAT?? Been drinking? @SleepingStandingUp

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/05/2020 18:32

Long term, though, OP, your other half might want to rethink his shifts. Night shifts and stepchild contact don’t go together well.

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2020 18:58

Surely if you take on someone with a child, Wakefield one so young as per op, the exorcist is that your I part taking on a commitment to their care.

WHAT?? Been drinking? @SleepingStandingUp

🤣🤣 Sorry sleeping but your post is hilarious. I love autocorrect mistakes. The exorcist though haha.

JRUIN · 31/05/2020 19:45

So what you mean OP is that you don't mind your SC staying as usual for the first two weeks after baby is born, while your DH is off work? It's when he goes back to work you're worried about? If I've got this right I think you're fretting far too much far too early. Your SD is 11 (perhaps 12 by the time baby's born) which is plenty old enough to be warned (and understand) that she will not be getting as much attention as usual, and in fact will be required to help you out a bit with the baby. Explain this to her in a nice way, make her feel important in her new role as a big sister and I'm sure everything will be fine. Good luck.

Howaboutanewname · 31/05/2020 20:45

This is just another example of stepchildren being treated like they’re made of glass and a stepparent being made to feel guilty for a small, reasonable request

It’s really not hard to see how this may impact a child, is it? And whilst it’s not an unreasonable request for the OP, her step child is her partner’s biological child. So to him, his children are equal. Why should he not see his child because it suits his new partner?

Would it kill the mother not to send her to yours, for just a few weeks?

Why is the mum’s responsibility to fill in for her ex? What do you assume she does when her child is with her dad?

Howaboutanewname · 31/05/2020 20:49

if the mum was expecting someone who had just given birth to continue regular free childcare then I would say this is bad too

What about the child’s father? Where is his responsibility in all this? Presumably her mother is off working to keep a roof over her and her child’s head and pursuing her own relationships. Or is it only men who get to do that?

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 20:53

continue regular free childcare it isn't childcare tho is it, op walked into a relationship knowing there was a child. She isn't the neighbours niece who's been dumped on the doorstep unexpectedly.

And as my posts are possessed, I checked the typing twice.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 20:54

Would it kill the mother not to sende her dad to yours, for just a few weeks now he has a new child to love?

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2020 21:04

it isn't childcare tho is it, op walked into a relationship knowing there was a child. She isn't the neighbours niece who's been dumped on the doorstep unexpectedly.

It is though really. It’s childcare because she’s looking after his child for him. She has no parental responsibility towards his child so it’s not as though she’s just fulfilling her parental obligations like a parent would be. Parents don’t babysit their own children do they?

He’s the one with the parental obligations. She’s just helping him to fulfil them. But, she doesn’t have to. That’s the point.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 21:14

Surely if you take on someone with a child, especially one so young as per op, the expectation is that your in part taking on a commitment to their care.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 21:15

It is though really. It’s childcare well perhaps she can introduce an hourly rate and then they can formalise the agreement then she'll get mat leave

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2020 21:20

@SleepingStandingUp I do not agree that being with someone with a child means agreeing to take on childcare in the slightest. There's no "surely" about it.

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2020 21:35

Surely if you take on someone with a child, especially one so young as per op, the expectation is that your in part taking on a commitment to their care.

I don’t think it should be a given. I know lots of people look after their partner’s children but I think when it gets too much or they’re unhappy about something they should be able to say no. For example, if a woman goes on maternity leave then it doesn’t mean she should have to look after her partner’s children more/in place of things like holiday clubs.
Also, school runs are one of the examples which I think are a huge ask of a stepparent imo.

So no, I don’t think they should commit to absolutely everything that’s thrown at them. They do have that option to opt out.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2020 22:11

when it gets too much or they’re unhappy about something they should be able to say no.. . I don’t think they should commit to absolutely everything that’s thrown at them but I wouldn't expect that in any relationship, I'm not suggesting the op should do more than she would her her own child. If I'm unhappy with the arrangements over how we care for our 3 kids, I'd talk to DH and expect us to sort something. I've already said he should be doing the school run in late pregnancy as well as once baby is here, that he should have paternity leave. If op had an 11 yo and a newborn I'd expect the DH to do school run, agree to holiday clubs etc as required to make her life easier as well as doing more around the house.

Flumo · 31/05/2020 22:20

Surely at 11 she could be more help then your making out. I've had a 8 and 6 year old and 35 weeks pregnant and I cant wait to spend the time with them all. We have my 2 older full time at the moment and my partner adores them both 🥰

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2020 22:30

I'm not suggesting OP should do more than she would her her own child.

Yes but you are suggesting that because she is a step parent she should be expected to do as much as she would for her own child. It doesn't work that way, he has that responsibility, not her.

Cgd2020 · 31/05/2020 22:39

I am pregnant and yes I have already considered what will happen when I get to bring our baby home. I was hoping my partner would let his 13 yo daughter stay with grandparents that first night at least. Is it selfish to want a few moments for myself , I have to share everything else with her as she lives with us full time. I'm glad someone posted about this, I'm relieved.

KylieKoKo · 31/05/2020 22:44

@Howaboutanewname that was my original point. The father is expecting free childcare from someone who has just given birth.

I said earlier in the thread that I think the child's father should arrange his work and contact hours so that he is there when the child is there. I would say this whether the op pregnant or not.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/05/2020 23:01

If you need more time than the 2 weeks your partner is on paternity then get him to take off the days that fall onto contact days for the next couple of weeks too. Its not unreasonable for you to not want your step daughter around (although pretty mean spirited given how long she has been in your life), but its totally unreasonable of your partner to go along with it effectivly putting his new partners wishes above his daughters needs. He can facilitate his daughters visits while you 'find your feet'.

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