I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

[CarolineIreland]

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

The OP has said what the contact schedule is in her first post.

Oh thank you! Not sure how I missed that!

When a baby is born often extended family or friends might take older children for a few hours here and there to help mum get some peace with baby, so what you’re asking isn’t odd.

However it needs to be placed in context, how long have you been on the scene? How come she is hard work , 11 is quite a nice age?

If there are other factors at play you need to accommodate her as much as possible, this is her sister too and your partner’s second child.

So while you try and navigate your needs you need to balance that with ensuring she is getting special attention to and is being made a fuss of.

If you are all doing these things and all of you get your needs met then that’s fair.

If you are just focusing on yourself and trying to enjoy your time as a family of three I would say you’re being selfish.

I’m surprised an 11 year old requires that amount of attention. At that age she should be able to help you.

11 year olds go to school by themselves, get the bus in to town etc so I can’t imagine why she’s hard work.

If you were asking for 2wks as soon as the baby was born then she may feel pushed out. However, if she comes as normal for the first 2wks whilst you’re partner is home she will not feel that way. Changing the 3rd and 4th weekend Should be fine. She’ll have seen her sibling and been welcomed into your home afterwards as normal. You could discuss it with her in advance. Tell her you can’t wait for her to meet the baby etc. Explain that during week 3 and 4 her dad will be back at work but the baby will be up all night so you’d be sleeping all day. Maybe prearrange something special for week 5 so you all have that to look forward to. She’s 11 not 5. My teenage daughter would have understood this at 11 especially if she’d been welcomed for the first 2wks.

You shouldn’t feel the need to entertain her is what I’m saying

"She isn't your SC until you are married, btw."

Her partner's mum isn't her MIL either, but people are never told off for that inaccuracy on MN, only for the step thing...

Would you send your own child away so you can find your feet with a newborn so it's a but unfair to ask your partner to do that.

Actually when I had my second child my partner was deployed and my parents took my eldest to their for a few days to let me find my feet. He was only 3 so different than 11 but they made a big fuss of him and made sure he wasn’t feeling pushed away.

OP could your partner’s parents help out with some childcare?

I’d have thought an 11 year old would be a great help. When my DS was born my niece was 8 and I’d often ask if she could come and stay with us as she was an amazing help. She would cuddle the baby, help with bottles, grab nappies, fetch snacks etc. She loved her baby cousin and the bond they have now is amazing.

How would you have felt yourself at 11 years old OP?
Pushed out possibly.

I think you need to think very carefully about this. How would you feel if you had regular access with a parent and where then told sorry you can’t see your dad for a couple of weeks whilst we get the new baby sorted? It’s unfair, she is his child and much as the new baby. If your partner is taking two weeks off then that’s fine, then the normal routine should start. What are you going to do if you have another child after this? Ship them both out for a while to get that baby into a routine?

You have enough time to get something in place now for the daughter to be able to help you for when you are in your own, something she may very much enjoy

you certainly should not be left alone with your step daughter and new baby but this mustn't be achieved by the step daughter being pushed out. your dp will need to take some leave to do this, and will need to share the time fairly between his new baby and his older child. yes your household income will take a hit but that will be cheap compared to the impact if your step daughter is told she isn't part of the family properly now that the new baby is here.

@gavisconismyfriend you could be onto something there. Maybe im not giving her enough credit. She could well surprise me and be a big help. In response to some of the people who have asked yes i do usually do the school run during my partners contact time but this is only because my working hours are more suited to this than his. He is a lovely daddy to his wee girl and i like to think that im a good stepmother. To those who have asked what my relationship with my SD's mother is like, it was a bit awkward at first but i would say we have a good relationship. I feel ive been lucky there as she is a nice person and there is definitely a mutual respect between us. To those who have asked if the child has additional needs, no she does not she is just a very normal very lively wee girl who just needs that extra bit of attention because we have always givin it to her and its the norm (shes not her mums only child but she is our only child and the only grandchild so were all guilty of spoiling her). I take the point that this is a conversation i could have with her about needing her to help me and be the big sister and that could help make her feel included. This will be my first time with a newborn and honestly i haven't a clue what im doing. My intention would never have been to upset my stepdaughter or make her feel pushed out im just worried as i said that i wont be able to cope until ive found my way with my baby and breastfeeding and not sleeping. I never meant that my stepdaughter would not meet her sibling until later either, of course she will be meeting him as soon as he is born. Maybe i will surprise myself and be better than i expect but im worried the pressure will get to me as ive been a very hands on stepmother and that will of course change ar first when im recovering from childbirth on so on But yeah..maybe ill be better than i expect and things will settle whilst my partner is on his paternity leave and nothing with have to change. Im just not sure and probably overthinking the entire situation. As wonderful as it is to be having a baby of my own it is totally alien to me.

BF needs to arrange his shifts so he is with his Dd when it’s his contact time. His employers have to listen to his request (they don’t have to grant it).
Women have to ask this kind of stuff all the time.

My mum sent all off us away to stay with grandparents when she had the last one. We were boisterous and noisy and she couldn't cope.
I think that is perfectly reasonable and we all had a great time at granny's house.
Your husband should be looking after his own child though, it isn't good enough to offload childcare onto you when you have just had a baby.
It's a big deal learning to breast feed for the first time and just learn how to look after a first baby, you don't need the added distraction of having to run around after DSS.
Tell him he needs to sort it. You will never get that time with your baby back.

Not read the full thread and not got any step kids, but I would say that 1st child is a huge shock to the system in terms of overwhelming tiredness / hormones etc that subsequent kids simply are not. Future kids it’s like ‘oh yeh this’ and it’s more viable to look after 2 plus at once as you vaguely know which way is up...

It’s same as when pregnant with #2 many people worry if the 1st will be ok with it, if you will love them the same etc... then you have another and realise your love grows and isn’t split /reduced in any way for the 1st...

You haven't answered this but if there are no other reasons for her to require constant attention (SN, etc) as you say, then she can entertain herself for a few hours at a time while you take some time to breathe and care for the baby. As your partner is going to take paternity leave, that makes it easier for someone to be with one child (11yr old) while you take time with the baby and also more people to help out with the baby because you'll need it.

I wouldn't disrupt her routine by asking her not to come for a while, as she may feel pushed out and that's quite frankly what it is.

It might be better if you and partner start preparing her and yourselves with expectations now though so things don't become confusing, frustrating and overwhelming for all involved when the baby arrives.

Frankly delighted to see Ecclefeechan autocorrect

My dd1 was 11 when my dd2, her half sister, was born. Having her around and not at her dads was invaluable as at that time my DH only got a week's paternity leave. I know it's different in that she is my DD and not my step DD, but the children are half siblings, as yours will be.
Please don't make her feel unwelcome when her half sibling is born, that would be quite mean.

YANBU. Men always manage to fob off childcare to any available female. He needs to arrange the childcare for his daughter for the few weeks you need to find your feet with your firstborn and not rely on you as a free childminding service for his child. Sick of these useless, feckless fathers offloading care of their children to other women and then getting stroppy when said women might want a few weeks off from providing free childcare to concentrate on their new baby.

If she was your DD would you still send her away for that week?

Not comparable though is it? If you’re going to ask a goady question then I’ll give you a goady answer...
Her stepdaughter isn’t her daughter, so it’s a completely different relationship which carries completely different dynamics and completely different feelings with it. If she was having her second baby she wouldn’t mind her first child being around while her child’s father is at work.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

I'm a bit confused. If you're 5 months now, you're due in September? So won't an 11 year be in school during the day on Thursday and Friday, so not around most of those days?

If you are worried, can you ask him to take paternity leave so he can be home to be supportive? When I had DD1, my DH took less than 1 day of paternity leave (difficult working situation at the time), but I'm expecting twins later this year and he is planning on taking a decent chunk of leave so that he can make sure DD1 doesn't feel neglected (and hopefully give my arms a break!!!). Can your DP not do the same under the circumstances?

Does he have any flexibility about shifts? Many employers are Ok with people swapping if both employees are happy, could he not offer some favours to people now while you're pregnant and then hope that people will be generous/forgiving of a new father and will help him out come September?

You are probably overthinking. Most of us are guilty of this with the first baby (I know I was!) Because tiny babies are so repetitive, it's amazing how quickly you get into the swing of things even if you have no experience at all before hand. You very rapidly become a pro at nappy/clothing changes, and although feeding can be trickier, it does sort itself out within a few weeks at worst. Also, at 11, she'll understand that babies take a lot of your time. Talk to her about it before hand.

You do his school run for him - what would he do if he was single? What did he do before you took over?
It's amazing men can split up and still have an easier life.

Btw I would tell him now that when DSD goes back to school you won’t be doing any school runs (if she even needs one- she’ll be at secondary school?) you really don’t want to be committed to dragging yourself and a newborn up and out of bed at 8am when you’ve been up all night feeding. It’s different when the baby is your second or third as you’re used to it but when it’s your first it’s a real shock and the exhaustion is just unimaginable. Tell him he’ll need to sort his Dd in the mornings.

Why is she there when he is not ...using you as the babysitter?
This happened to me as a child ,set times at my dads ,yet he wasn’t there ..just made me resentful,hated the girlfriend I was forced to spend time with ,hated my dad for not having me at his house when he was actually there ,and hated my mum ,because she only gave a shit about getting a break ,and didn’t care I was stuck with dads girlfriend
Change things op
So the daughter gets time with her dad ,and you get time al9ns with your baby .
The child’s parents are using you

I'd spend my time getting her trained up in exactly how you like your cups of tea etc! I remember DH going back to work when I had ds1 and the amount of times I sat down to BF with no drink, my phone left in the kitchen or the tv remote just out of reach was infuriating! She could prove to be a great little helper.

It's not always as simple as everyone makes out regarding step parents 'not providing free childcare.'

The child and her mum need some kind of schedule and can't be held to ransom by a random shift pattern.

The op and her husband share a household that presumably needs his income, he can't just ditch his work or risk getting sacked for being unreliable, especially now when there will be a huge queue of people lining up for jobs!

In an idea world the dad would be there for all the contact time, but I'd love to meet anyone who lives in this perfect world.

The way you phrase this will be really important, you clearly like your DSD and are worrying about how you will cope in your first week alone, that's perfectly natural.

I think if altering contact doesn't work I'd at least get your partner to try and arrange some flexi time so he can do the school run. Will she still even need taking or is she moving up to secondary and can get herself there?