I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

[CarolineIreland]

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

You are definitely overthinking, op! In my experience, trying to second guess the problems that might arise when you have a baby is futile. Whatever your family set up and dynamic is, you literally have to go with the flow. There will be ups and downs - there are in any family - things you thought would be difficult won't be, and there may be other challenges you'd never thought of, but the joy of having the baby there will override it all. I really wouldn't change anything fundamentally, except maybe trying to ditch the school runs for a while. I think everything will slot into place much more easily, if you stick to the same template which has worked for you all so far.

Well, @Wearywithteens, I have just read on, and it does appear that OP is a lovely sort - not wicket step parent material.

I re-read and stand by most things I said about keeping the routine, but there is one thing which your other half should be doing, OP, and that is the school runs. If operating as normal in September that is. If someone needs to take her to school on a Thursday & Friday, then it's HIM, not you. Early mornings are bloody hard with a newborn whether it's your own child or not. He can sort out a childminder/teenage neighbour to do it if his working patterns dont allow. Or take her himself, and then go back to bed. It's the one thing he should be there for, no question, in my opinion.

You sound lovely OP your boyfriend was very lucky to have found you when his daughter was so very young.

It is natural to feel like this. I felt like this with all of mine - how will I cope etc. You are overthinking this, you know your boyfriend's daughter really well just get her involved. I wish you the best.

She is welcome when your DH is there to look after her. If he can't be there then neither can she in the early days.

So you view it that she'd not a part of the family then? No love lost between you and her, if this was you. Tha'ts how it looks to me. And that's how she will feel, bless her.

yabu to exited an 11 to not just see "daddy and Step mom have a new child now...

But it is daughter and he's Ecclefechan to send his daughter away because he's got a new one...

Yes, yes, I know it's autocorrect, but can't people give their posts a cursory glance before inflicting their gobbledy-gook on everyone?

(Sorry OP. Fwiw I don't think YABU and I'm surprised your OH doesn't make arrangements to be more available when his daughter is staying.)

So you view it that she'd not a part of the family then?

Didn't say that. DH is part of the family as well, isn't he? If he can't be there for support why the hell should OP put herself out when she's just given birth. Daft to think she should.

It looks to me tat the usual step mother haters are here again.

The problem,as I see it, is not your SD but the fact that you have to request that your DP do the school run instead of you etc. Even if she was your DD rather than SD, your DP would need to take two weeks off at the birth to help with all children. I would focus on asking him to take time and do fun things with SD to give you space rather than suggesting SD changes access. Your DP needs to take time off

She’s s child.
Not a pick and mix.
You’re overthinking OP. And the worst possible thing you can do is exclude her.
At 11 she’ll actually probably be a great help, fetching and carrying nappies, a fresh babygro etc.
Your new baby will slot into the family that you have already created with your DH and his daughter. You can’t exclude her.
And I say that as a step daughter, a stepmum and a mum whose children have a step mum and step grandparents.
Lots of stepping experience in this family

It’s funny I read a thread the other day about how the new mothers wishes were the most important due to the emotional and physical toll of child birth and adjusting etc. Granted it was in reference to MIL and visitation and not existing children which of course is very different.

However from what I have read you are not asking for access to be stopped but for a short break from providing childcare alone for a child who is not yours as your partner is not available! Not unreasonable at all and if your partner cannot get time off then he needs to change his shift/ ask SC mother if they can swap days for the day he is off for that week or take unpaid leave surely?

My 2nd was born 10 years after my first. I have been a single parent since my first was born. There are obviously adjustments....but I didn't feel like I needed my oldest to go away just because I had a new baby.

Heya,

I am in the same situation as you. I'm 8 months pregnant and I have a step daughter.

My stepdaughter stays Monday's, Wednesdays and Fridays. And when my other half goes to work I have her and drop her back to her mum in the mornings as he works early.

We have come to the agreement that if I give birth on one of those days my stepdaughter won't stay for that one night. But normal routine will resume after that. I did say however if I am discharged and come home in good time e.g morning/early afternoon we will have her for tea so she can meet her sibling. But we are massively playing this by ear and we will see what I'm like on the day. Luckily we have a good relationship with her mum and we did the same for her last year when she had her little one.

We are only going to cancel the one night stay though. Purely because I don't really think it would be fair. She's 5 and would notice if she wasn't seeing us and to be honest I'd miss her too much.

I'd sit down with your partner if I were you and just come to an agreement which works for both of you. She is his child at the end of the day, and that will be her sibling. 💕

Presumably by the time the baby comes she'll be at school? So it will only be half the week, eves only and your husband will be on paternity so you won't need to look after her much? Agree what others have said about her maybe feeling pushed out if you don't let her carry in her visits as normal. Will she be going into year 7? If so, another huge thing at that time for her.

Being that you DSD has siblings on her mum's side, she isn't foreign to being a big sister (assuming her siblings are younger than her). She is aware of what it is to share quality time with her siblings. As others have posted, at 11 years old, you'll be surprised at what a great help she'll be. My DD was 9 when my 3rd was born and she was eager to help in anyway she could. Especially if it meant holding and cuddling with her baby sis. I think we all have insecurities about what we can handle whilst we're pregnant. It's the hormones and just going into the unknown. But once you're baby has arrived everything just happens. We learn and we adjust. My last pregnancy (my 3rd) was a surprise and I kept stressing out about how I was going to handle 3 kids. Once I was in it, I realized I was overthinking it.... It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be doing school runs.
I do get the sense that you love your DSD. She's 11 now, and it won't be long before she becomes a teen that wants to spend less time with her parents. Enjoy whatever bonding time you can get with her. Allow her to help you as the big sis she is. She already knows the drill, you just don't realize it, cause you haven't seen her in her "sister role" yet.
Take a deep breath. Don't change anything unless you try it and realize you have to change the schedule. I have a feeling, your SD will surprise you and you're going to wish she was home more often to help out.
Good luck.

I'm actually staggered that you're doing childcare and school runs during your BF's contact time with his daughter, when he isn't even there

Ditto

Flabbergasted how some women let men get away with this crap. If he can’t accommodate her she doesn’t come. What would happen if you weren’t there.

I think this is very odd. When I married dh he came with a daughter (and two older teenaged sons - but that’s different). When she was at our house we both looked after her. Dh did most of the school runs, pick ups etc but if he was working or busy then I did it. Now she’s the mother of our dgs and, sadly, her mother had died. I do all her childcare and all the daytime school activities that she can’t go to when she’s working. We have lovely days out together with dgs. She remembers what I did for her as a child and that is the basis for our strong relationship now.

Don’t let anyone put you off having a great relationship with your dsd. It might get you all through the teenaged years!

Just having a read through the thread. At 11 and in September won't she be starting senior school and going to school herself? If not can your OH not do the school run for the first few weeks until you get mornings sorted. I had my niece who I'm very close too when my husband was back at work (she was 4 at the time and it was the 6 weeks holidays before starting school) and she was a great help with little one.
11 year olds are pretty self sufficient (aka can feed, dress and occupy themselves) I think now is the time to get her prepared for being a big sister and to help. My opinion if you put her off coming it's going to be harder in the long run to get used to it. When hubby went back to work I found it easier to get into my own routine x

I agree with others that it's not fair to cancel her weekends with her dad when your baby arrives, but I also agree that it shouldn't be your job to look after both of them by yourself initially.

Her father should make arrangements to be around either paternity/parental/annual leave for those first weekends, all of the time.

It's not the same as if she was your bio dd. If she was, you would have had a baby before and be feeling more confident.

But it is most definitely her dad's job to take on the care of her in your late pregnancy and early days of biological motherhood.

You can totally do what you want, but what you do is, wait untill the baby has arrived and when you get home, you will be very sore and tired and your partner will tell sd mother that you are trying to recover from the birth and you are sleeping alot during the day and the worry that nobody would be able to watch sd. This is your time and new baby time, please enjoy it, YANBU at all, the ex will completely understand, esp when Sd receives a big pressie from baby and daddy can bring sd over even extra days when he is at home, do what suits you, nobody minds what a new mothers preference is, congratulations 😊

I think you need to plan for what to do with your step-daughter if you go into labour when she is there and start from that.

You are NOT the responsible parent for your step daughter, you shouldn't even have to worry about any of this at all!! It is entirely your partner's responsibility not yours.
Dump the problem onto him and tell him to be a father for once.
FGS!! Men offload their every single responsibility onto the nearest woman it's not on.

If you’ve been parenting this child part time since she was 2 then I’m sure you are worrying unnecessarily and you will be fine . Just start doing the groundwork now about her needing to help out etc at the end of the day you are a family of 3 that is becoming a family of 4 and you need every body on board to make that as smooth a transition as possible .

If she was your DD would you still send her away for that week?
From what I understand, this is her first? So this question is moot. If she had a DD she would have experience with what's newborn entails and she doesn't. And in reality, SD will only miss 3 days.
I think some compassion is needed for step parents as much as for step kids. And for first time mums.

This is a tricky one.

I think that if you've been together 9 years, and in effect in her life since she was 2, it's unfair to send her away if your partner is working. You still have 4 days a week for just you and new baby to bond together, and at 11 years old and with preparation she is mature enough to understand you can't give her attention all day every day she is with you and she will need to entertain herself with colouring, arts and crafts, television etc for an hour or so while you feed and sort the baby.

I think to just expect different arrangements for all the days she is with you is unfair, however your fiancé extended family could come and take her out for the day or have her overnight once or twice during the time she's with you as you will also need to sleep when the baby sleeps etc.

What did your fiancé say when you suggested it?

You sound like a lovely attentive SM and certainly do more than your fair share of the parenting by the sounds of it! YANBU to want some time alone with your baby, your a FTM it’s all going to be new and exciting and you’ll want some time to adjust, I can’t see how people are twisting this round to you being a wicked step mother sending the poor child away!

I'm slightly surprised to see how many people are aggrieved that the dad isn't there all the time his DD is. He has her 3 days a week, her mum has her 4 days. Are you saying that her mum should never leave her with anyone else during the 4 days she has her, or is that just bad when the dad does it?