I want to spend time alone with my new baby without my step child.

[CarolineIreland]

Hi everyone.
I have been with my fiance for nine years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is now eleven years old. She comes to stay with us every week Thursday, Friday,Saturday. Her dad works different shifts each week so this sometimes means that he is not here with us. She is a lovely child but requires alot of attention from waking till bedtime. I am currently five months pregnant with my first child and i am nervous about trying to look after a newborn and the eleven year old by myself when my partner is at work. Am i being unreasonable asking my partner to make other arrangements for the first week or so of me becoming a new mum? I would very much like to spend some time alone with my baby so i can find my feet. This has not gone down well.

Tough one when I first read title I was thinking maybe a little selfish , then read only for first week so not long term , but agree with others will your partner not be off?
Could make his daughter feel pushed out if she isn't allowed to come but if he was off he could spend days with her to give you time on your own and at 11 she may even be helpful , excited etc

Op just read your update and no I think it's fine then if your talking at first when your partner goes back so that you can find your feet etc .

I have to share everything else with her as she lives with us full time.

You sound like a petulant child, I hope your step child doesn’t know how much of a burden you see her. ‘Having to share with her’ she’s a child ffs. And one that would probably be better off without you if that’s your attitude.

When you build a life with someone with a child, you are taking on the responsibility of a step child, you are making a commitment to that child. That commitment doesn’t disappear because you’ve now got your own shiny new baby. Children are human beings they are not objects that can be pushed to the side when something that fits better comes along.

Makes me feel sick the way some grown women really resent their step kids, not to mention the spineless fathers that allow it.

@Cgd2020 tbf even if the older child was biologically yours, I don't think 1 night at grandparents is unreasonable, just like op wouldn't be unreasonable for getting her partner to sort childcare for the first night if baby comes in contact days. That's reasonable regardless of who the Mom is.

@cdg2020 that is an excellent point.

When my little sister was born I was only 3 and I still remember the days I spent with my grandparents. We went to the zoo and took me for massive ice-cream sundae.

My sister was my mum's second child and she sent me to grandparents for a fee days. Is she selfish too? Or is that just step mothers who want space with newborns?

YANBU but it’s really tricky not to push her out, Is she local to you? could she come for an hour or so a couple of times at the start, maybe make it a bit of a thing and explain that you’re not sure how to be mum to a baby, you’ve never done the waking at night, you don’t want to disturb her, and need to find your feet and bla bla bla. If she’s 11 she’s probably excited For the baby, she could maybe pop in, have a drink and a bit of toast or a biscuit, a cuddle with new sibling and then help you do a nappy change/ standby with the towel for bathtime/ read a story to baby/ pick out babies nighttime vest and sleep suit (this is a nice one for SC inclusion particularly if they’re not around, as they can pick it in advance when she’s with you, or you can send pictures of two sleepsuits if she doesn’t come over and you can send a picture of them in the outfit They picked)

Good luck 🥰

I want some time alone with my baby without my biological son.

On pass me my pitch fork - woman who has just given birth wants some time off from providing childcare for her husband! 😱

OP, I think I’d be filling in an annual leave request form at this point. From reading your posts, you haven’t even said you don’t want your DSD around, just that you don’t want to be solely responsible for her. Nothing unreasonable/unkind/selfish/blah blah blah. Some posters really are the limit.

Your DH is the daddy - it’s up to him to sort it. He’s the one with the moral/legal/biological ties and responsibilities to DSD. You support him in that as his wife. Now you need some support back, that’s all.

On pass me my pitch fork - woman who has just given birth wants some time off from providing childcare for her husband! 😱

Oh I know it’s truly awful isn’t it?!

Mums with older biological children wouldn’t be thought of as evil if their children stayed with grandparents for a week while they adjust with the new baby. I can guarantee you that 110%.

But even in a ‘together’ family, a new baby does throw the usual routine for a while, this is deemed quite acceptable, and it’s also just fine for older siblings to be despatched to Grandma/Auntie for a few days. But bring a step child into the mix, and suddenly there’s no flex, no movement and absolutely no chance that ANYTHING is allowed to disrupt the status quo, not even for a few days. It’s just unrealistic and I agree with a previous poster who suggested that sometimes step children are treated like glass. And can you imagine the uproar if a step child had to move bedrooms/share a bedroom because the family has increased in size? All quite ok in a ‘together’ family though …..

It’s as if anything ‘step’ related is set in stone and can never be tweaked, which is nothing like normally family life. I think the phrase ‘blended family’ is rubbish because in many cases no blending whatsoever takes place; the step child’s arrangements are supposed to remain fixed forever with the rest of the family trying to shift around them and then people wonder why resentment sets in?

I think you have to look at how this makes her feel rather than yourself. Pushed out for the new baby I suspect.

I think you have to be the grown up and cope. Not easy but if she was yours you couldn't send her away and you have decided to have a new baby knowing that she exists. That she is your step child is largely irrelevant.

It can be tricky to navigate newborn baby when you have a stepchildren around. Many people don't understand if they haven't been through it.

My DSS was just turned 3 when I had my DS. We had him full time with no overnight stays anywhere else so from less than 24 hours after giving birth, ending up in surgery and a baby who would not separate from the boob I had a newborn and a toddler. Getting to grips with BF and no sleep. Then my DH went back to work and I had to do it all alone. Raising a newborn for the 1st time and looking after a toddler with ASD. Not yet potty trained either.

She will be helpful I am sure, I was 10 when my 1st sibling was born. I did all the nappies and feeds in the day time as I was so excited. My mum never got a look in! But the TV and tablet are your friend in those early days!

I think asking her not to come when you obviously do love her at this difficult age will more than likely make her feel pushed out and the baby is replacing her and cause jealousy and resentment.

It can be hard. Just talk about your feelings though. I never expressed how I was feeling until years later. My husband thought I was coping amazingly until a few years later I admitted I really struggled in those early days. I just didn't want him thinking I loved my DSS less as I was the only mum he knew.

I could have written this about my DSS. We have him the same amount of time and DP was working long hours and I was left in charge of both the boys. My DSS is younger (8) but still far more demanding then a typical 8 year old (long story why). Being left to mind both of them and be ok with everything put a strain on my relationship with DSS and gave me very mild postnatal depression.

I would say spend the next couple of months building her independence so she is not so reliant on you for stuff like food ( should be making her own breakfast and lunch by this age) and entertainment.
Look into stuff for her to do. Hopefully all this will be over and some kids clubs will be going by the time baba arrives. Also is there family nearby that can help out? My DSS had a couple of auntie days (DPs sister) towards the end of pregnancy and in the early days after birth. That break helped me.

I think reducing contact is not a great idea because it can lead to resentment towards the baby.
Good luck OP

I think YABU but if you’re still set on it then make sure it’s only for the first week and make sure she understands that it’s not because you don’t care about her