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Step-parenting

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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
Marvellousmarge · 08/02/2018 11:58

I think you are over reacting, yes. And I am a step mother and mother.
You are not thinking of your child only yourself. Do you bathe with your child?

Oddsocksforeveryone · 08/02/2018 12:02

I am a mother and no way would I want someone bathing/ showering with my child

starfishmummy · 08/02/2018 12:04

I guess I can understand that you don't like it but going to your solicitor seems a massive overreaction unless you are about to drop feed a massive back story

starfishmummy · 08/02/2018 12:04
  • drip
Jamboree05 · 08/02/2018 12:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Fine to bathe your child but to be naked in the shower with her, not so much! Fair enough.

Marvellousmarge · 08/02/2018 12:07

It isn't " someone" though oddsocks. It his her fathers partner so a member of her family , whether her mother likes it or not.

And yes, involving solicitors smacks of bitterness and spite rather than the welfare of the child.

Matilda2013 · 08/02/2018 12:08

I’m a stepmother and I happily bath my stepchild. However I certainly wouldn’t shower or bath with her and I’ve known her since she was 3.

Marvellousmarge · 08/02/2018 12:11

I wouldn't choose to either Matilda but I wouldn't be getting solicitors involved over it either.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 08/02/2018 12:12

Why does she NEED to do this? How odd.

Lovely456 · 08/02/2018 12:12

No I dont thnk its appropriate at all Sad

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 12:12

It isn't " someone" though oddsocks. It his her fathers partner so a member of her family , whether her mother likes it or not

A G/F of 9 months is not fucking family.

And I say that as a mother and step mother. (because thats really relevant, right?) Hmm

Bathing child (as long as child is happy).....fine.
Bathing naked with child.......no, not fine.

Totally inappropiate.
And the Dads insistence and anger raises red flags for me.

How can you square teaching the "no pants" rule with insisting she shares a shower with a naked unrelated person.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 08/02/2018 12:13

@marvellous they've been together 9 months, is that long enough to be considered a member of the child's family?
There are some demands or requests that are unreasonable to ask an ex when trying to co parent, for me "I'd rather your girlfriend wasn't showing naked with our child" isn't one of them.
Absolutely amazed anyone thinks it's normal to shower naked with your boyfriend's child.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 08/02/2018 12:14

I'm a mother and a stepmother and no, I don't think yabu at all. My stepson was 5 when me and his dad, my now husband got together and there's no way I would have showered with him. My own daughter is now 5 and I know she wouldn't be comfortable showering with anyone other that me, her dad or her younger siblings. How does your dd feel about it?

swingofthings · 08/02/2018 12:16

I'm mum and I think you're over reacting. Do you actually know that she was naked in the shower with your DC. You're only going by her words and at thst age they will say things in a way that distorts reality.

Big difference by saying they showered together and she was touching me there.

Stopping overnight on this basis is stupid. If she's a dangerous paedophile she'd wait for your ex to go out for 10mns and convince your DC thst she needs a short in the day. Your rationale for stopping overnight access is borne on irrational fears.

Spam88 · 08/02/2018 12:16

YANBU OP, I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

TheCatsPaws · 08/02/2018 12:17

Seems a bit of an overreaction. My DP isn’t DSs dad and sometimes DS jumps in the bath when DP is in there.

DSs dad doesn’t have much to do with him though and DP has looked after DS since he was a baby. So I don’t know if that matters.

sparklepops123 · 08/02/2018 12:19

I wouldn’t be happy at all and I’m sure the op has only contacted her solicitor as her ex is not willing to take her view on the matter seriously

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 08/02/2018 12:20

I can guarantee if this was the mothers boyfriend of 9months showering with a five year old the reactions would be different. Its not normal and in reality most people wouldn't like this

upsideup · 08/02/2018 12:22

I used to be a stepmum, no longer with the childs father but still see the child often as they are now an adult.
Me and her DF who had custody of her lived together from when she was 4-10 and I bathed and showered with her, I dont think her mother was aware of it but if she had said she was really uncomfortable with it I may of considered stopping but would of prioritised what the child was comfortable with first.
Did you try talking to her or your ex first before going to the solicitor?

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 08/02/2018 12:22

Swingofthings. Lots of children and adults are abused in secret while other people are in the home. I'm not saying there is abuse here, could very much be innocent, albeit a bit silly, but what a stupid statement you've just made

Jaxtellerswife · 08/02/2018 12:24

After 9 months?
Nope.
I've been a step child, I'm a step parent and a mum. I wouldn't be happy about this.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 08/02/2018 12:25

TheCatsPaws, I think it does matter, your dp has brought your child up since being a baby and been a father to them. This person has only been around 9 months and the child is young but not a baby

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:27

Just my 2p's worth- the lock doesn't work on our bathroom and my young DSC will just wander in when I'm in the shower- they don't think it's weird, I guess as they would do the same with their mum and dad. I can see the extension of this being you could shower at the same time, if it was convenient or the child asked to get in- it's not necessarily a creepy SM coaxing an terrified child in to bathe!

I guess it all comes down to how your DC feels about it, without projecting your own feelings onto her.

Going through your solicitor does sound quite mad, and I'm not sure why withholding overnight access is related. Surely you're either worried for her safety (really?) or you're not, she could always shower in the day!

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:30

Ah yes sorry, Swing had already made my last point

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 12:30

i only went to my solicitor as when i raised it with my ex he pretty much told me to shut up and go away, my solicitor wrote a nice letter to begin with just asking for reassurances and explaining i was happy for her to spend time etc.

My ex confirmed they showered naked together and told me it was my issue. There are always two sides to a relationship story but i will say any changes to the schedule etc are always really hard to negotiate. The court order states only his family can look after my daughter in his absence but i have no issue adapting it to include his partner.

i don’t shower or bathe with my daughter anymore and have been teaching her the 'pants' rule. I appreciate everyone’s views i just don thinking showering/bathing with her is appropriate. If she had needed toilet and seen her in shower etc i wouldn’t have an issue but to make a conscious decision to shower with her.

i only stopped overnight as ex made it clear he saw no issue and had no objections to it happening again

i agree if it was my partner who did it then there would be allot more fuss made

OP posts: