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Step-parenting

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EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 12:32

What does dd think about it?? What if they took dd swimming and she showered her there? Would that still be an issue? Either you have genuine safe guarding concerns or you are a tad envious they feel happy in their relationship to do this?
I have 3 dd and have never shared the sanctity of my bathroom time with them!!

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 12:36

What does DD say about it??

Did she feel uncomfortable?

Did the g/f suggest it or did DD jump in with her of her own accord?

These are all important questions..

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:37

So withholding overnight is essentially a punishment until he does what you've requested? I think maybe it's a prohibited steps order you'd be after rather than breaching the existing order, which might make you liable for sanction by the court (I guess your solicitor would know).

It does seem unreasonable that your ex hasn't just said 'fair enough, we won't do it anymore'. Could you maybe try to speak to him (and her?) directly about it again, asking for their reasons for doing it and explaining yours? That it might undermine your no pants rule teaching makes sense to me.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 08/02/2018 12:37

Popping to the loo while someone else is in the shower is very different to showering, naked, with someone. Also showering after swimming with swimming costumes on then helping the child to dress if needed is also different.

Begrateful · 08/02/2018 12:39

Your ExH GF should have known better than to do something like that, which can easily be misinterpreted by others as inappropriate. It seems common sense isn't common after all.

She has been on the seen for only 9 months, this doesn't give her the privilege to shower with your DD. Your ExH is mainly to blame as he shouldn't be encouraging this type of interaction between GF and DD.

Yuck yuck 🤢, I hope it doesn't happen again OP. I don't think you're overreacting, if your ExH is a stubborn man - that's probably the only way to get through to him.

upsideup · 08/02/2018 12:39

I think your ex was right in saying it was 'your issue'. Unless your dd has told you that she dosnt like doing it and feels uncomfortable?
Its just more practicle to shower with little DC sometimes, leaning into the shower or other the bath is uncomfortable
Can your dd wash herself completely independantly or does she still need help?
If your happy for Ex's gf to help her and for dd to walk in on Ex's Gf in the shower then I dont see why them showering together is much more serious, especially to involve solicitors and cut access.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 12:40

Popping to the loo while someone else is in the shower is very different to showering, naked, with someone. Also showering after swimming with swimming costumes on then helping the child to dress if needed is also different

^^^^
This

Surely anyone can see there's a massive difference.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 12:44

upside

DS is 5.....he needs supervision in the bath/shower because he'd rather fart about than actually wash, and needs reminding to wash behind his ears etc.

But he doesn't need me to be in there with him, and he doesn't need me to wash anything for him except his hair.

He will jump in with me occasionally, or we'll set out to share a bath, but I gave birth to him ffs, plus if he at anytime said he was uncomfortable I would stop immediately....not demand he puts up with it.

Noloot · 08/02/2018 12:46

Your daughter told you about it because she was uncomfortable.
If your ex's gf was a reasonable person she'd have apologized and said she wouldn't do it again. That's what I'd have expected.
If a mum asks a step mum not to do something I'd be pretty mad if that request was ignored so no YANBU.

upsideup · 08/02/2018 12:46

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina

Exactly. But the OP's dd hasnt said she's uncomfortable with it? It would be an actual issue if the dd was uncomfortable and the gf was demanding she put up with it.

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 12:48

DD was a bit mixed about it she found it funny that she saw his GF's bum but she said she didn’t like sharing the shower as she was cold.

I love that she gets on with his GF, she defiantly seems to be a good influence on my ex the abusive and childish texts have lessened when we are negotiating changes to contact etc, i would hate it if DD ever came home and said she didn’t like his GF. I have spoken with her previously even though my ex tries to cause conflict i.e stating after 4 months they were now a happy family...i advised i was happy for him as i am secure in the fact i have a good relationship with my child.

My solicitor did advise we could do prohibited steps and more than likely would be granted it but to give my ex a chance to resolve it amicably by writing to him...that got us nowhere. he is fully aware overnight can take place if he just says ok they won’t bathe together i have a feeling i would be getting accused of all sorts if i let me partner shower with her.

I'm no trying to punish him or DD i gave access he even brought his GF which i suspect was to raise a reaction but i was fine with it

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 08/02/2018 12:48

The only situation where I could get my head round this is if you didn't have a bath, only a shower. I have never bathed my DPs children as the are his children so that is his role. What I have done is showered a dog - it's bloody hard without getting drenched. Much easier to just hop in with them - yes I showered naked with my dogs...

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:50

Lana where did you get that the SM 'demand he put up with it'?

I agree with upsidedown. If you're happy with the child to see the adult naked, and for the adult to bathe the naked child, what difference does it make?
If you were worried about the adult in question, you wouldn't be happy with any of the above.

If it's a question of the child being uncomfortable, then you'd avoid most behaviour that might cause that, whether reasonable or not, but if the child isn't bothered, where's the harm? That's a genuine question, I'm interested.

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:51

Ah sorry, Lana's post confused me- DD!

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 12:52

I dont epect an apology or anything i presume it was a decision that was made without even thinking about it, i would just like as her mother that no adult should shower with her, the logistics alone of where her head would be in relation to an adult unerve me

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 08/02/2018 12:52

Is there a reason for it for example:
My Dsd was an absolute pain in the shower at the age. I didn't shower with her as it wasn't big enough but due to her faffing, dramatics and extremely long hair I ended up soaked and I might as well have had a shower too.

My son enjoys having a bath with his dad as they play with toys whilst they are in there and the bath is a bit big for his comfort so sometimes he slips though we are encouraging him to bathe alone.

ArnoldBee · 08/02/2018 12:54

Oh and my dsd often barges into my bedroom whilst I'm naked and never seems to take the hint for her to leave!

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 12:55

Well DD has said she didn't like sharing so that's that.

It doesn't really matter why......her body, her choice.

If my DC were being coerced/bullied into doing anything they don't want to do by their father (who sounds like an abusive arse btw) I too would stop overnights I was assured they wouldn't force the issue.

Bodily autonomy is one of the best things we can teach our children.
Even at 5....she needs to be shown that her rights over her body are respected....not undermined.

Whisperquietly · 08/02/2018 12:56

YANBU

upsideup · 08/02/2018 12:56

What has Ex's GF said about all this?

windchimesabotage · 08/02/2018 12:56

I dont think you were overreacting to try and ask him about it and say you didnt want it going on... dependant on the way you phrased that. But i do think you were massively overreacting threatening loss of contact over it and I can understand why he has reacted so badly to that. I certainly would react badly to threatened loss of contact over what is essentially a minor difference in parenting values.
Surely you should find a way to talk this thru together in a civilised manner without involving solicitors and threatened loss of contact? Who would react well to that situation? It comes across as very controlling. Unless there is some reason you suspect the woman of abuse then it just comes across as 'your way or the highway'. You have a right to express that you dont want her to shower with your child but IMO you have no right to refuse contact over such a minor issue just because they wont agree in writing that it wont happen. Youve kicked off a battle of wills here.

MycatsaPirate · 08/02/2018 12:57

Is there only a shower at his house? Because it's pretty hard to help a kid wash their hair in the shower while standing outside it fully dressed.

I really wouldn't have an issue with it. I still jump in the shower with DD2 sometimes, she's 12. She doesn't care, she find it fucking hilarious to flick shampoo at me :) It's mainly when we are running short on time and I will do her hair to stop her spending 458 minutes in there singing, faffing about and generally flooding the entire bathroom.

But curious to know what the options are for washing your DD's hair if there is only a shower there.

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 12:57

it’s not that I’m happy for her to see his gf naked i just understand in life things happen such as letting my child go to the toilet whilst she was in shower rather than wet her pants. But that would be his gf only. I’m not raising my daughter to be ashamed of bodies i just think the pants rule is amazing and a great tool for teaching kids.

ultimately what’s in your pants is your private area, i get helping her to toilet or bathing her etc but to be naked with an adult when its just not necessary goes against everything I’m trying to teach her to protect her.

OP posts:
sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 12:57

Ok, I would say then that re-starting overnights and pursuing the prohibited steps order is the way to go.

At the moment your ex can effectively trump your argument with the fact that you're being unreasonable by withholding access. If you take that away, he becomes the unreasonable one by having to go to court rather than grant you your very low impact request.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:00

sothisisnew

From the OP

until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly

Why would he not just say "ok....we'll respect that"??

Why react "badly"?

What father does that ffs??

An abusive arse thats who.

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