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Step-parenting

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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 14:26

And how should this 5 year old be expected to differentiate or express discomfort at an inappropriate situation when she is being taught that getting naked with unrelated adults is normal Bluebelle?

kittykat798 · 08/02/2018 14:26

sorry but another human being naked with a child in the shower that isn't related is bordering sexual misconduct. You don't know what her motives could be. Absolutely vile. I'd refuse to let the woman near the child in that instance.

The only way it'd ever be ok is if your child didnt want to bathe alone and asked her to and it felt inappropriate with the dad to be naked... but come on you can put a bathing suit on.

Makes me feel sick.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:27

Someone upthread said they were abused in the exact same situation

The biggest percentage of child sex abusers are known to the family.
Trusted adults who are given free rein because people don't get the message that the most likely source of abuse is inside the house.

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 14:27

Your not over-reacting OP. People are only saying you are as women are "saints". If it were you and your man bathed with your DD naked they'd be frothing.

A mere 9 months a woman is on the scene and now she's family, according to some?!" FFS ridiculous doesn't cover it.

& she's stupid to put herself in that position. I'm not being naked with anyone's child as it could be misconstrued, that is the reality of life. Not some pie in the sky notion that it shouldn't and won't ever raise brows.

I've never showered with OHs son. Why would there ever be a need to be naked in the shower with him?

Good for you OP. Trust your gut feeling. Mostly the stepmums on here have things about right
Hope all gets sorted out.

Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 14:28

Hang on - the kid isn't the one saying she doesn't want it to happen again? Have I missed that bit? She may have found it 'different' to what her mum does but has she said she doesn't want the GF to shower with her anymore? If so, then I totally understand the OP pushing the point.

I've not said anything about ignoring the the DD's right to say 'no' Confused

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 14:29

Who on earth thinks that the onus is on a fucking 5 year old to say no to getting naked with unrelated adults? Jesus this is basic safeguarding 101. I'm shocked (and worried) that some of you are parents.

mustbemad17 · 08/02/2018 14:29

I wonder how some would feel if this was GF & a DS?
Or BF & a DD?

Just because they are the same sex doesn't mean jack shit

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:29

upside she has??

OP says that she said she didn't like it "because she was cold" (ai'm gonna go out a limb and bet she felt she couldn't say "because I didn't like it")

Regardless of the reason...she has expressed she doesn't like it....it stops...yes??

mustbemad17 · 08/02/2018 14:31

How does a 5 year old voice that Bluebell? How often do we see kids trying to please both sides then letting out they aren't happy? DD has mentioned to OP it was weird & she was cold...for me that would be enough from my DD

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:31

Seeing as some people are clearly incapable of reading....

Dawn2015 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:48:09

DD was a bit mixed about it she found it funny that she saw his GF's bum but she said she didn’t like sharing the shower as she was cold

So regardless of reason...

SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

So maybe she should have her fucking boundaries respected yeah???

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:33

Snd again I suspect "cold" means "I didn't like it but I don't have the language or understanding to express why, so I'm going with something tangible that mummy will understand"

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:34

I despair sometimes.....I really fucking do.

NannyOggsKnickers · 08/02/2018 14:35

Bluebell Children if that age are not deemed legally able to give consent for the very reason that they are not fully cognitively developed and the adult is in the position of power.

Asking a five year old, without any immediate support, to say no to a situation that is uncomfortable puts them in a very difficult position. The adults in their life should be looking out for them and not putting them in such situations.

An adult who puts a child in a situation where they feel uncomfortable is an abuse of power. I would consider an adult who does something like this very naive because they open themselves up to allegations of grooming.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:37

Who on earth thinks that the onus is on a fucking 5 year old to say no to getting naked with unrelated adults? Jesus this is basic safeguarding 101

Abso-fucking -lutely

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:39

I will place a bet on the all the apologists not being able to come back now without admitting they were wrong.

Come on Bluebell and upside gonna admit it???

sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 14:41

Ok MNers, let's calm it down a bit...

The OP has said she doesn't have a problem with the adult in question and doesn't suspect abuse, she just doesn't feel comfortable with the risk that the child might feel uncomfortable, especially as she is being taught the no pants rule and may become confused.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:41

An adult who puts a child in a situation where they feel uncomfortable is an abuse of power. I would consider an adult who does something like this very naive because they open themselves up to allegations of grooming

Yup.

The naivety and ignorance displayed on this thread is actually fucking frightening.

NoqontroI · 08/02/2018 14:41

NoqontroI It's as equally inappropriate

It's really not

Yes. It is. But as you're one of the people who goes ahead and does that with your stepchild anyway then you would defend it wouldn't you. Because you're doing it too. That is very mixed up thinking. It is really not ok.

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 14:43

Who on earth thinks that the onus is on a fucking 5 year old to say no to getting naked with unrelated adults?

Someone that I really, really hope doesnt work in a field that may be to do with decisions around kids safeguarding

This thread is jaw dropping

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:46

sothisisnew

Making allowances for this sort of shit is exactly the conditions that breed abuse.

There are uncountable families and childhoods destroyed all the time because of the naievety/ignorance engrained in the attitudes I am railing against.

"Oh it's just Grandad/Aunty Maureen/Dads new g/f/ Mums new b/f- they wouldn't abuse a child"

And that attitude is axactly why kids end up not saying about abuse....because it must be ok, because mum says Aunty Maureen is fine and harmless.

upsideup · 08/02/2018 14:47

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina

What am I wrong in saying exactly? I've said I have gotten in the bath with my ex step daughter and I dont think its inherently wrong to bath/shower with a child that isnt biologically yours.
Shes 23 now and is still okay with being nude in front of me, I didnt do anything wrong by her. I'm not going to admit that anything I said was wrong.

Groinyo · 08/02/2018 14:50

LanaKanesTerfyVagina If it was OPs b/f having naked showers she would be fucking crucified.Misogyny thy name is MN.

That isn't misogyny. Knowing that men are statistically more likely to be sexually dangerous and women being instinctively concerned by a strange man showering with a girl is not misogyny. If a man posted on here that he was showering with his girlfriend's 5 year old daughter he would also be crucified.

The reason why people seem to be OK with this is because it's a woman I am sure. We know she is unlikely to be a predator.

Doesn't make it appropriate though and she shouldn't be doing it.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 14:51

it if defiantly interesting the differing in opinions but as some people have stated i know my child and i musty do what i feel is best for her, that does not include alienating her from her father I would never do that to her.

Personally I don’t find it appropriate and I would hope me and her father could raise her with the same ideas as much as possible, looks like in some people’s eyes I’m the bad guy but like I said I will take that hit and go with my gut

OP posts:
Groinyo · 08/02/2018 14:53

You may have said and I missed it but did you speak directly with the girlfriend? She may just be naive and a bit of a hippy who doesn't get that it is inappropriate. Your ex on the other hand sounds like a real piece of work and like he'll argue whatever you do.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 08/02/2018 14:53

This thread is jaw dropping

It really is. The woman probably has no sinister intentions at all but what is this teaching this little girl about boundaries? That it's fine for someone she barely knows to be naked with her, and presumably touch her body?
And as to putting the responsibility onto a 5 year old to say she doesn't like it...she should not have been put into the situation of having to say no, FFS!

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