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Step-parenting

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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
sothisisnew · 08/02/2018 13:29

I'm with Brakebackcyclebot (great name), in the words of Ron Burgundy: 'that escalated quickly'.

Is there some extra info we're missing? It seems like a crazy stalemate!

It sounds like the way you spoke to your DD about it was very sensible, good work.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2018 13:31

This is 100% inappropriate.

I'm amazed pp think otherwise tbh.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:33

the phrase 'my' daughter is nothing against him when i speak with him i always use the term 'our' generally. i asked him why it had happened and i didn’t think it was appropriate and i didn’t want it to happen again. I certainly didn’t go running to my solicitor but when he states he won’t do anything about it what real option do i have, trust me seen as how he hasn’t paid cms 5/6 months the cost of court solicitor fees is the last thing i need.

i never see his GF without him or in the presence of DD so its wouldn’t really be appropriate and no doubt i would be called a stalker if i attempted to contact her ha

OP posts:
LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:34

Seriously fucking infuriated by this thread.

Pile on the mother.

Thinking a little girls boundaries don't matter as much as her fathers feelz

Not one person is asking why the fucking father isn't pulling his weight and bathing her himself??

Mooey89 · 08/02/2018 13:36

I did state that it is a different situation,
I agree with the OP that it would make me uncomfortable.
Of course if the child isn’t comfortable and isn’t instigating it it shouldn’t even come into the equation.
OP, my ex (the father of my DSD and my DS) is a vile, abusove prick, and I have just finished a year in court so believe me, i do understand that it’s difficult situation, really I do, I just wanted to offer a different perspective.

Good luck with it all.

OutyMcOutface · 08/02/2018 13:36

I second that she's not family. Until he marries her she is not family, just the father's girlfriend. It is most definitely not ok for her to be naked with a child that is not hers. Fundamentally this woman might have pornographic style piercings/hair removal-your daughter is old enough to notice these things, the last thing you want is to normalise that kind of body image to a young child.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:37

If it was OPs b/f having naked showers she would be fucking crucified.

Misogyny thy name is MN.

Oswin · 08/02/2018 13:38

Yeah fuck that. Showering with a kid you have known 9 months is not on. If I had a partner who tried showering with my daughter after nine months I would kick him out there and then.

Oswin · 08/02/2018 13:40

Absolutely Lana. So going by past posts anyone who is vaguely related to her is fine to get In a shower with her. If a step mother had a post saying the evil ex was letting her boyfriend of nine months shower with her dsd, there would be page after page of condemnation. She would be branded neglectful.

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 13:41

It doesn't matter if the child instigates it or not, an adult should know better. They would have to have been living under a rock to not recognise how inappropriate it was. I think part of it is that the word 'stepparent' appears to have been devalued to now mean anyone who dates a parent for any length of time. I say that as someone who was raised by my fantastic stepmum from being a toddler. A girlfriend of a few months is not a stepparent, she should barely have even met the kid.

Valerrie · 08/02/2018 13:41

OP, you are NOT overreacting.

I was abused like this in the EXACT same situation at the exact same age.

MayCatt · 08/02/2018 13:43

You sound very reasonable OP. I wouldn't be happy with this situation either.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 13:45

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the gf giving her a shower - I bath my partner's kids - but even that depends on the relationship they have.

If your DD is uncomfortable the gf shouldn't be even in the bathroom.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:48

Honestly i do really appreciate all comments whether they agree with me or not. I’m so glad i posted in here so got points of view from step mums and mums.
I’ll take on board the advice regarding the overnights and a specific order issue as it’s at a stale mate but it’s gone quiet from my ex so i think he maybe has got some legal advice so hopefully it can all be sorted before his next contact. Being dragged in front of a court for breach is in no way my idea of fun.
With hindsight maybe yes I could have been a little less defensive with him when I initially found out but what’s done is done

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:49

i have no issue with her bathing DD i just think being naked in a shower together is another level

OP posts:
LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:49

A girlfriend of a few months is not a stepparent, she should barely have even met the kid

This as well^^^

I didn't meet DSDs until we'd been together that long, and I didn't do any "proper parenting" until we were all comfortable together.

I've been with DP for nearly a decade now...and DSDs are adults....we have a fantastic relationship precisely because I didn't "force" myself on them as a parent.
I let them establish their own boundaries.

NannyOggsKnickers · 08/02/2018 13:50

Here’s a quick activity for those who think this is fine:

Would you be ok with this scenario if it was someone else? Say an auntie or an uncle? Or even a grand parent? Would it be appropriate then? Because all of those people are far more closely related to the child.

How about someone the child has known for longer. Would it be appropriate for a child to shower naked with one of mum’s oldest friends who child has known for their whole lives.

I expect the answer is no.

You don’t become a mother and get parental rights by dating someone with a child. Marriage is a different thing. But even then there is a line.

Children often can’t speak for themselves. That is why we have responsible adults to advocate for them.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:53

Oh and btw...if.DSDs needed something like pads, or help with hairwashing, they went to their father not me (at first anyway!) because, you know, he's their parent and capable of actually parenting without a woman present/doing it for him.

Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 13:54

Dawn2015 I’ve backed down on numerous issues recently such as his GF's mum watching dd for the day on his scheduled contact

Really...you had to back down on that? Why did you make it an issue in the first place?

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:55

How about someone the child has known for longer. Would it be appropriate for a child to shower naked with one of mum’s oldest friends who child has known for their whole lives.

Excellent question.

Love to know what the posters accusing op of overreacting would answer.....

upsideup · 08/02/2018 13:57

NannyOggsKnickers

I think there can be situations where a child bathing with other relatives/family friends can be appropriate. My kids have got into the bath with their nanny as well with my exdsd/family friend.
Depending on the family set up and what the children are comfortable with I dont think its inherently wrong to shower/bath with a child that isnt biologically yours.

PonderLand · 08/02/2018 13:58

A shower with a 5yo is a bit odd. At least in the bath there is the chance to play with toys, sit face to face and chat etc. Your DD will probably of had her head very close to this woman's genitals and arse. Not a nice view, especially not appropriate if the child is not yours. Even if your DD asked for a shared shower I would expect a responsible adult would say 'no, but I'll sit in the bathroom with you, wash your hair, play'.

5YO's can't be expected to always make sensible decisions, wether that's what clothes to wear that day, what food to eat for breakfast, or who to have a shower with. They'd want to wear sandals in the snow, chocolate for breakfast and showers with everyone they like spending time with. Someone (a parent) has to reign it in and make those decisions sensible ones.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 13:58

*Dawn2015 I’ve backed down on numerous issues recently such as his GF's mum watching dd for the day on his scheduled contact

Really...you had to back down on that? Why did you make it an issue in the first place?*

Are you for real?

Presumably the new gf's mum is a relative stranger to the DD. But apparently it's fine to offload your child onto anyone if you don't fancy seeing them on your scheduled day?

For fucks sake!

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:59

Bluebell would be happy for a near stranger to look after your DC??

9months is fucking nothing....how many times do you think ops DD has met the g/fs mother??

You really think thats appropiate??

lunar1 · 08/02/2018 14:01

I don't shower with my children, there would be no fucking way a random of 9 months should be anywhere near them naked never mind showering with them.

If you had posted here that your boyfriend of 9 months was showering with your dd and your ex was giving you grief you would have three full threads of people out with pitch forks demanding that MN get involved to have your children removed by SS.

The fact that they reacted badly sets massive alarm bells off. Why is she so desperate to bath naked with your daughter, and why does he want it to happen so much that he's letting it involve court.