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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 14:05

Bluebell878275 we have an order which states only his immediate family can look after DD as ex was known for going to work when he had her and I wanted to be assured she was left with people I knew. i found out from DD that she had been looked after by this woman who i have never met.
The clause was put in the order to stop this, he has a large family who i know who i have no issue watching DD but for someone i don’t know yes i had an issue with it and could have took it further but i didn’t. as i state i have amended that to include his GF as i have met her etc

OP posts:
LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:08

MN is a fucking bizarre place sometimes.

If there's an op about a slightly dodgy looking bloke in the park it's all
"Trust your instincts"
"You know when something isn't right" etc. etc.

But here we have tons of posters saying that a fucking near stranger is fine showering naked with a 5 yr old???!!

And that someones random mother, about whom presumably op knows hardly anything, is AOK to look after DD during the contact time that should be being spent with her Dad.

Confused
Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 14:09

Actually 9 months IS a long time in a child's life. It sounds like they have a good bond. The GF is now a stable, regular person in her young life. You are out of order by stopping over-night access. By doing this you are showing your daughter that you and her dad are not equal parents and you have the power to take something away from him as punishment if he doesn't agree with you. Your daughter is fine and she is happy. You are not protecting her, you are just trying to control a situation that YOU don't like.

We have a bath size shower area and my DSD and I have both showered together before. Didn't happen a lot but it was sometimes because we were late for something and had to be quick. We go to the toilet in front of each other too. No one cares!! They are at the beginning stages of being a family together (you don't need a ring on your finger for that), leave them alone.

Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 14:10

He knew them though, you know, your daughter's Father? Why did you have to meet them? You sound like a bit of a nightmare tbh.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:12

9 months is fucking nothing, even if it seems like eternity to a child.

Even if they had got married, it wouldn't change the fact that this is massively inappropiate, and in no way bears resemblance to a mother and child having a bath together....if the child is happy with it

Honestly this thread is madness.

No wonder abusers get away with it so much.

All these people making excuses for a situation that is not ok.

Bluebell would you be happy with your boyfriend of 9 months to have a naked shower with your 5 yr old daughter??

Would you, really??

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 14:12

Thank fuck you're not my DD's stepmum Bluebell

NannyOggsKnickers · 08/02/2018 14:13

upside

But I expect that would be a joint parental decision and a family set up that entirely veered towards casual nudity. I think in this case it is not something that the child is used to and would have made her uncomfortable. Surely that is the issue. It wasn’t normal for that child.

As someone who has done a lot of child protection training it would ring massive alarm bells with me if a child disclosed something like this. Especially, if they seemed confused it concerned by it.

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 14:13

The relationship has only been 9 months, unless he introduced his child on their first date then the child has known her less time than that. And only seen her fortnightly. I see my neighbour's kids more often than that, and since neither of us plan on moving house am probably more guranteed to remain in their lives too. Is it okay then if I invite them to shower naked with me?

mustbemad17 · 08/02/2018 14:16

Absolutely no way in hell. 9 months is not long enough for somebody to be considered family!! I would go absolutely batshit if I found out DD had been showering with her dad's girlfriend of 9 months. Hell. No. Way. And him being an arsehole about it instead of holding his hands up & saying 'yeah okay shouldn't have happened' is infuriating!!!

NannyOggsKnickers · 08/02/2018 14:16

👏🏻 To stitch. Exactly the point I was trying to make.

FlippingFoal · 08/02/2018 14:16

we have an order which states only his immediate family can look after DD

I thought courts didn't do this unless there were safeguarding issues

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:18

Thank fuck you're not my DD's stepmum Bluebell

I really wanted to post this exact response.

Establishing healthy personal boundaries is so, so, so fucking important in protecting pur kids from abuse, whether as kids, or later in relationships.

A 5 yr old does not need to be showering naked with someone they've probably spent less time with than a teacher at school ffs.

Even the fucking dinner ladies have probably spent more time with her than the g/f....it wouldn't be ok if they had a shower together....would it????

Just because she's the Dad's g/f, it doesn't mean she immediately gets a free pass to do very intimate things with a young child.

I mean ffs......no wonder child abusers find it so easy to worm their way in to families with attitudes like this.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 14:19

Bluebell878275 i get it every family is different but i have worked hard to teach my DD about boundaries and i explained this to my EX.

Technically he was in breach of the order he agreed to everything that was in it including the condition about who can look after DD, he could have objected,

I don’t claim to be a saint and raising a child with separated parents is never easy but i wouldn’t classify myself as a 'nightmare'

i think sometimes i have to step up and be the bad guy in the situation and if stopping overnight contact only for one weekend i ensure that my child doesn’t bathe with adults you know what I’m prepared to take the hit

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 14:19

So OTT. There is a big difference between a male showering with a little girl than a female doing so. I shouldn't have to spell that out.

Back at you Elocutioner Flowers

NoqontroI · 08/02/2018 14:20

I don't think it's appropriate. There's no way my partner would be showering with my children. Not that he would ever want to.

NoqontroI · 08/02/2018 14:22

So OTT. There is a big difference between a male showering with a little girl than a female doing so. I shouldn't have to spell that out.

It's as equally inappropriate. That shouldn't need to be spelled out either Hmm

upsideup · 08/02/2018 14:22

NannyOggsKnickers

As I said earlier on in the thread I did get in the bath with my ex step daughter, we met when she was 4 and although me and her dh broke up when she was 10, we continue to have a great relationship and we still get in the bath together when she comes round to drink wine and catch up.
It was not something I have thought to tell her mother about and I proberly wouldnt of just stopped if the mother had said she didnt like it, I would of though if dsd said to stop.

PonderLand · 08/02/2018 14:22

I completely agree @NannyOggsKnickers

My parents never walked around naked, had a shit in front of me, showered with me, kissed me on the lips. So that was my normal at that age, if someone then appeared in my life who did those things it would be inappropriate. It is not normal for that child or that family so you just don't do it. How hard is it to stay fully clothed around someone's children Confused

And if it's a case of 'we both showered to save time' have a wash instead.

Notallthat · 08/02/2018 14:23

Yanbu, why does she have a need to shower with your child. I've very occasionally showered with mine due to necessity and its a nightmare, she gets cold and hogs the shower head. I'd try and get contact stopped with GF because its its not teaching your daughter proper boundaries with people she doesnt know well.

mustbemad17 · 08/02/2018 14:23

Women can still abuse a child or have I missed something??? There is a big difference between a male showering with a little girl than a female doing so so what you want OP to tell her daughter is that she should refuse to shower/bath with a bloke because the risk is high, but it's okay to do so with a woman because what, women don't ever pose a threat to kids????

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 14:24

There is a big difference between a male showering with a little girl than a female doing so

No.
No there fucking isn't.

DD has a right to say no.

That's it.

How can ypu possibly teach appropiate boundaries to kids if you are prepared to let things go like this??

I walk around naked all the time in my house.

The second DS said he didn't like it I would stop.

Abuse goes on in plain sight exactly like this.

And I am a raging feminist....but women can abuse kids too you know??

Bluebell878275 · 08/02/2018 14:24

NoqontroI It's as equally inappropriate

It's really not

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 14:24

upside honestly I think that's a bit odd, but if two adults are happy with it then.... well far be it for me to say anything different.

A five year old who is obviously uncomfortable is a completely different thing.

My 5 year old walked in on me and partner in the bath. Not ideal, but she sat on the loo and chatted away whilst we just cringed and waited for her to leave.

It's entirely about what the child is happy with.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 14:25

Bluebell878275 that style of thinking is so outdated abuse happens in all walks of life and by males and females

no that I’m suggesting this was that but the style of thinking is defiantly not how i plan to raise DD

OP posts:
upsideup · 08/02/2018 14:26

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina

But the dd hasnt said no? That would be a completely different issue.