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Step-parenting

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Original poster

EX's GF bathing with child

233 replies

Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 11:56

Hi,

Just getting a feel for this situation, my child is 5 and goes to her dads every other weekend. She came home recently and said she had been in the shower with her dads GF. They have been together about 9 months. I think this is really not appropriate.

I asked her dad about it and he dismissed me, so my solicitor contacted him (we have contact order in place) advising I was happy for his gf to bathe my child, be alone with her for short periods but no overnight access would take place until a was assured they would not shower together again. He has reacted badly and will not give assurances unless is court ordered to do so. He is now threatening to take me back to court for breach of the order as I only let him have access but no overnight last weekend.

I have no issue with his GF we haven’t been together for 4/5 years, she is a lovely woman who I have met and spoke with but I don’t understand why she thought it was normal behaviour.

I don’t think I’m overacting by asking for this reassurance but what is other people’s views? i have placed this thread in the parenting section as well but thought i would also place here to get all views.

OP posts:
upsideup · 08/02/2018 13:01

You need to teach your dd that she can say no if she dosnt want to but you shouldnt teach that she should say no or that she should be uncomfortable with it.
I do stuggle with why showeing with her is so much worse than helping dd shower and dd being allowed to come in while Ex's gf is in the shower though?

chester345 · 08/02/2018 13:02

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! I am step mother to a beautiful 8yr old girl, and I have been with her father for 3 1/2 years. I am happy to bathe her but would never ever even consider bathing WITH her. There are boundaries that need to be respected. My partner & his ex do not get on but they still respect each other’s views and boundaries for the Sake of their daughter.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:05

But unless she has SN imo a 5yr old is perfectly capable of washing themselves.

The only supervision necessary is reminding.

The g/f shouldn't have to touch the DD at all in this situation.

I'm the opposite of a prude btw.

We are a naked family.

But I am also teaching DS that if any adult (inc. us!) makes him uncomfortable....he can speak out.

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:05

DD is fine in the shower and bath, she often has showers and i help from the side. They have a bath and a shower.

its defiantly not my way or the high way with regards to our relationship, i have often requested changes due to family events and he has refused and i have had to accept that. I'm not perfect and neither is he. i supply a card and present on every occasion for her to give to him and i get nothing in return, i do genuinely try but hands up I’m not perfect. But i should have a right as a parent to say who is naked in a shower with my child...yes i know dd has 2 parents with views and opinions but surely this is just common sense and so unnecessary

i do appreciate everyone’s views it has been interesting to hear from mums and step mums (who i think are villainised sometimes)

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 13:07

If you said that your male boyfriend of a few months was showering naked with your 5 year old child you would be flamed to hell. This is massively inappropriate, isn't teaching your child safe boundaries and shows a huge lack of judgement at best. With your ex saying they are now a 'happy family' it sounds like he thinks any woman can just be slotted into your role. But she isn't your daughter's mother, or even her stepmother. She is an unrelated adult and a monumentally stupid one if she thinks this is remotely ok.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:07

I'm with you entirely on this op

And as you say DD is fine washing herself...I stand by my comment that the maximum input required from the adult in this scenario is hands off supervision.

Groinyo · 08/02/2018 13:08

It isn't " someone" though oddsocks. It his her fathers partner so a member of her family , whether her mother likes it or not.

Dating someone for 9 months does not make you a member of the child's family Hmm

It's very strange behaviour and I would not be happy with it. My children are that age and they and I are already starting to feel we prefer our own space. Why the hell would you shower with someone else's child if they have explained they don't like it?

NavyGold · 08/02/2018 13:09

Everything that @stitchglitched said. I’m amazed that anyone would justify this behaviour Confused

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:09

Quite stiched

OP would be hung drawn and quartered if it was her b/f of only 9 months in the shower.

And why the fuck isn't the father bathing his own child??

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:09

I did say to her after that in future as she didnt like it she should just say no thank you im a big girl i can go in the bath/shower on my own. I didnt make a fuss and just said oooo you will have to show daddy the pants video so he knows all about it. She thought this was a great idea and walked off singing the pantosaurus song

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 08/02/2018 13:12

You are in breach of the order.

I parented my ex’s daughter for 5 years, she lived with us, she used to ask, beg, to come in the bath (as my son does now!)
It was something she loved and we bonded over.

I know it’s different because I was her primary care and that attachment was so important, but YABU, I’m afraid

ladymelbourne1926 · 08/02/2018 13:15

I agree with you but you are in breach of the order so I think you should reinstate overnights and then pursue a prohibitive steps order through your solicitor.
No court is going to say your dd should be showering with a unrelated adult after knowing she 9 months.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:18

Mooey that's an entirely different situation though.

And would you have carried on even if DC has said no??

Would you have reacted badly to being asked to stop??

upsideup · 08/02/2018 13:18

Mooey89

Completely agree that it can be a lovely thing and create a great bond. Although I broke up with my dsd's father over 12 years ago we still have a wonderful relationship and still get in the bath together to chat and drink wine etc. I dont think her mother telling me she didnt like it would change anything, if dsd was uncomfortble then of course I would stop.
Same with my own dc they love getting in the bath with me and dh and is the only time they open up about anything personal.

pregz · 08/02/2018 13:20

YANBU in my opinion. Especially given you have said you wouldn't even shower with her due to teaching her the pants rule.

I do think if you had posted the exact same post and swapped DD to DS and/or DF's GF to DM's BF you would have some very different responsesHmm

Original poster
Dawn2015 · 08/02/2018 13:21

I’m fully aware i am in breach of the order my solicitor has advised him that we are fully prepared to present our reasoning if he wishes to take it back to court. I have never breached it before and didn’t do so lightly. I gave him ample time to explain the situation which refused to do.

I understand i will have to explain myself in court and hopefully they will understand this wasn't breached for any malicious reason. I’ve backed down on numerous issues recently such as his GF's mum watching dd for the day on his scheduled contact but there comes a point where i have to say enough is enough.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotcom · 08/02/2018 13:22

I'm with stitched on this one.

I wouldnt even allow our parents to shower or bathe with my kids though. Thats a personal opinion and i dont judge anyone who does otherwise.

But a woman thats only been around for 9 months? Na. No way. no danger. Its crossing lines

Brakebackcyclebot · 08/02/2018 13:23

You've said that your ex's gf is "lovely". Could you speak directly to her? Surely you could have a sensible conversation.

How did you raise it with your ex? Think about what you said - was it phrased as "DD was a bit cold being in the shower with GF, and I'm a bit uncomfortable with it anyway", or did you go in with outrage, anger and an order that this never happen again, and that you'd stop access if he didn't do what you said? The way you communicate often influences the response you get back .

I think it was a big leap to involve a solicitor. Sending a letter from a solicitor is not "amicable". It's aggressive.

You said DD was a bit mixed about it she found it funny that she saw his GF's bum but she said she didn’t like sharing the shower as she was cold. You also said you presume it was just a snap decision.
So can't DD just say no another time? Was DD forced to shower with her? It doesn't sound as though she was uncomfortable, more that she was cold as they had to share the water.

Are you 100% sure you aren't projecting anger/dislike of your ex onto this situation? It does seem to have blown up on both sides very quickly, with solicitors and courts and orders, and restricting access being thrown into play very fast. Is that really in the best interests of your DD?

I've assumed that there is no abuse - you haven't hinted at this at all.

I also noticed that you talk about "my" daughter. She is also his daughter. Sorry, but you both sound as though your dislike of eachother is stronger than your desire to put DD's interests first.

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 13:23

And what happens if his relatively new relationship breaks up and he gets a new girlfriend a couple of months later? Is it okay if she bonds naked in the shower with this 5 year old too? There is a difference in being in a child's life for several years as the primary carer and a new girlfriend of a few months.

stitchglitched · 08/02/2018 13:25

It shouldn't be the responsibility of a 5 year old to say she is uncomfortable and enforce boundaries! She shouldn't be put in that position in the first place.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:27

I've assumed that there is no abuse - you haven't hinted at this at all

Then you didn't read ops posts properly.

On phone....can't scroll back....but the op says something like "the abusive texts have lessened"

And reacting "badly" to a simple request is also abusive.

Ex could have just said "fine, we'll respect DDs wishes" but instead blows up.

I suspect op is going through solicitors because ex is a difficult cunt.

NannyOggsKnickers · 08/02/2018 13:27

It is totally unacceptable behaviour and is sending mixed messages to her about where the line is for privacy.

Anyone defending this needs to take a long, hard look at their boundaries. This is a child. Not able to give consent for such a personal invasion. I think social services would take a dim view of this.

As others have rightly pointed out. If this was a boyfriend of nine months then the replies would be pretty damning.

At nine months into a relationship this woman is still mostly a stranger to your partner, never mind your daughter. With alternative contact your child has had perhaps four or five weeks worth of contact time, all together, tops.

Magda72 · 08/02/2018 13:28

Yanbu - it’s totally inappropriate & very much not showing your dd safe boundaries.
As a pp said if you came on here saying your bf of 9 months was in the shower with your 5 year old dd or ds you would be crucified.
I think the fact your ex reacted badly means he knows on some level that they’re in the wrong here.
Also a 9 month relationship may or may not go the distance. Is your dd going to have to shower with subsequent gfs if there are any???
I’m a mum & a sm & find this inappropriate on so many levels.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 13:28

YANBU

I say that as someone who is a stepmum and has a child with a stepmum.

This is not cool behaviour. I would have done what you did. And incidentally I am not a prude and have no issue with nudity per se. This just crosses the line for me, and it still would do even if they'd been together a year or two.

I would shower with my DD but I don't shower with my stepkids. It IS different.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 13:29

t shouldn't be the responsibility of a 5 year old to say she is uncomfortable and enforce boundaries! She shouldn't be put in that position in the first place

Hear hear.

And again.....why isn't he bathing his own child??