Sexless Marriages Support Thread part 2

[AishaReturns]

My last thread got full so starting a new one. This is a place to rant, support and share advice for coping in sexless marriages. All welcome, no judgment just support.

me: 40s female, been probably 3 yrs.

@AishaReturns what are the conditions? I am curious to find out which condition your first fwb wanted to break? If it’s too personal I understand.

What I'm interested in, @AishaReturns, is how things are between you and your DH immediately before and after you see your lover (or however you want to refer to him.) Is it awkward when you say to your husband, "I'm going out tonight. You know where." And what's it like when you get home afterwards? Is there tension? Is your DH jealous?

@AnonAnonmystery he wanted to finish on my face and kept pushing for it. It’s always been a red line and would never let my husband do it either. We agreed I wouldn’t do things I have not been willing to do in the past.

@LochSunart There was definitely tension before the first time. I’d met the guy for several dates before agreeing on sex. My husband had been involved and I checked in first. He has full authority to stop it f he doesn’t like it, I go by what he wants. After the first time it was awkward, he asked lots of personal questions that were embarrassing but we got through that. I cried and he held me and I felt better. The next time was much easier and I would say he’s not jealous now, he says not and afterwards we are both happy in each others company

@AishaReturns I admire anyone who can successfully navigate this very tricky situation. Well done for being open and honest with your husband about this.

Thanks for sharing that. Must have been really difficult to work through together. I am sure I could never get that sort of agreement but I am pleased for you it has worked out.

Thanks, it was hard at first. I found it hard to relax with a FwB type arrangement. I was really disciplined about it being monthly, so we only probably did it about 10 times. I haven’t found anyone suitable really since… it’s not as easy as you might imagine. Husband and I have been getting on so much better since then as well.

I think sending my wife off to be with another man would absolutely ruin me, but i admire you for finding a solution that works for you both, everyone is different so maybe you've found a way to strengthen your relationship whilst both getting what you want. I take my hat of to you. (Well i would if i was wearing one)

@OMGDidYouSayThat athanks, I’ve made it seem easier than it was. But we are stronger as before this we were possibly going to separate.

I’ve only been with DH intimately who has been my only sexual partner. For a couple of years it was what I imagine is a reasonable sexual life. All changed when DC came into the picture. DH doesn’t like any physical touch from me such as a kissing, holding hands or a cuddle. You know that movie ‘Mirror Has Two Faces’ is pretty much how it is for us when Rose and Gregory have a good relationship but no touching or sex. I’ve tried to initiate when it’s good timing and just get rejected. Like others have said here there are other considerations I take on board and still trying to figure out how to navigate this type of marriage. Some days pass and it doesn’t seem that bad and then the loneliness hits and desire to be wanted by someone is a heavy feeling I carry. I think we have had sex under five times in 3 years. Thanks for this board. That’s my story.

That's a sadly familiar story about how it makes you feel. It's been 2 decades for us/me and I'm not even 50.ibe forgotten what it was ever like :( You go through times where you just get on with life and are able to put it out of your mind and then times like now when it's all consuming and you just need some physical contact.

A similar story to us @GardenRake exvept we were 0 times in 3 years, despite me trying to initiate. In the past 2, post opening things we’ve managed to DtD 3 times in 2 yrs. things I found hard were being undressed in front of. Him and it didn’t even warrant a comment or a look and as mentioned sex scenes on tv programmes.

i would always busy myself with the gym and sports, just to burn off some of the frustration

@AishaReturns thanks for sharing that. It’s very good you have firm boundaries and this is why I think it must work for you. You respect your husband and he seems to respect you too. It looks like resentment has gone now from both sides and you are both happy with each other and the arrangement. Have you thought how you would feel if he took you up on sleeping with someone else?

@AnonAnonmystery I have run this through with him a lot. His issue is not being able to get aroused and has underlying medical conditions that make the pills hard to use. My view is he deserves the same freedoms, so we’d talk about it and decide on the boundaries again if it turned out I was the problem for him

May I ask where you find these partners please? Although I suspect it will be much harder for a man. I think this is the route I am going down now. She has mentioned in the past that is what I should do (go elsewhere) and after 7 years I have finally had enough.

The long term FwB I found on online app. I was upfront about my situation and what I was looking for when I initiated conversation. Met up with about 5 men before finding one with the sincerity and sensitivity to meet my admittedly demanding needs. I did think about one of the married hook up websites, but that wasn’t what I wanted.

the second I have known for years as we trained together. We see each once maybe twice a year at a conference and that is now sexual. It’s nice to have a good hotel too, adds to the fun. One of the rules is no sleepover, keeps it functional so we always have our own rooms. He lives very far away so won’t be the long term solution.

i do think it’s easier as a woman, I could get a partner easily but not with the rules and safeguards we have put in place. As an older woman of colour, I got lots of offers of younger men seeking some bucket list fantasies too

Recommend away ...

@mybiggreenfrog my go to ones are a big girthmeister (i think that’s its name) for basic action, a Lemon for clit action, a doxy type wand and a greedy girl rabbit. A discrete bullet if I’m travelling too. Sometimes I may combine them!

My reason is a little different, that long term illness prevents any intimacy.
can cope with doing all the house hold chores etc but it’s this I miss most.

Is it your illness or theirs?

very difficult situation though, I feel your pain

I posted a couple of pages back. Had more of a talk with my wife now and we have managed to settle a little.

I've now come to a decision. My plan is to try and think of my wife as horrible as possible, to try and not be attracted to her as much as possible. I will try and think that touching her will be something horrible.

I'm sure this is a healthy way to be in a marriage 👍

I've tried that @WarmWhisper it doesn't work 😉

I am so worried I’ll get pregnant, it puts me off completely. Does anyone else have this?
I don’t trust birth control. Probably need therapy tbf.

Are there any apps you recommend? I’m guessing tinder is the main one for hook ups but tbh I don’t know much about these things. As my dh won’t agree to an open marriage I don’t know how I could go on apps without someone local seeing me and it getting back.

Been married 20+ years and we've always had a very active sex life. A few years back dh began losing interest and when I initiated intimacy he couldn't get or maintain an erection.
He was also tired a lot and became quite unwell a lot too. After months of tests and blood tests he was found to have almost no levels of testosterone in him.

Turned out to be a pituitary issue, hence zero testosterone. Hes now been treated and has regular testosterone injections at the doctors, as hus body struggles to produce it.

He regained sexual interest (and body hair) and his performance in that department very quickly improved- to a point im finding it too much lol as he now has the testosterone levels of an 18 year old and wants sex daily, if not more.

Men don't like to admit things, it was me that initiated the conversations and got him to make appointments etc. So glad I did as hes regained his health, libido and stamina.

Always worth that conversation and medical check up.

Glad that worked out for him! And you :)

Its a shame it wouldn't work the same on my wife.