Sexless Marriages Support Thread part 2

[AishaReturns]

My last thread got full so starting a new one. This is a place to rant, support and share advice for coping in sexless marriages. All welcome, no judgment just support.

me: 40s female, been probably 3 yrs.

@WarmWhisper My wife's attitude to sex is similar to yours: never enthusiastic, now no sex for eight years. She and I are about to enter a new phase in our marriage, though she doesn't know it yet, in which I demand she acknowledges our sex life is over permanently, and that this doesn't work for me.

@LochSunart good on you!

@AnonAnonmystery Yep, I suppose. It's taken years, including a year of therapy, to get here. Not exactly a result.

It’s progress though. You have not been happy for a very long time.

I feel that joining this thread again has been a self fulfilling prophecy for me. In the last 6 weeks my sex life has twindled to once a week :( I know that’s not sexless but it isn’t normal either for us, to be fair we both got the flu on relay so that was 3 weeks disrupted then a very stressful life event for my partner:

I'm at the same place. Coming up to 8 years. And hearing her acknowledge it's over and it's her choice who be cathartic! I've had that exact conversation many times in my head but can never quite bring myself to say quite that. I always allow myself to be palmed off with excuses. I assume that we'll just go our separate ways once kids are older but then she talks about getting old together. It's not just the lack of sex, we've stopping kissing, cuddling, pretty much any physical contact or emotional intimacy. It's soul destroying. I wonder how she'd feel if one of our children ended up in a loveless marriage which is what this has turned into. I hope your talk turns things around for you or if not gives you to closure.

I don't want to belittle anyone's situation but twice a month is definitely not sexless? It sounds like your wife is making an effort too, wearing lingerie, even BJs? Fair play she sounds amazing.

Keep trying.

Sounds absolutely identical to my marriage apart from the fact that i haven’t had intimacy for over 4 years, once a month would be amazing provided she was doing it because she wanted to rather than just to please me. I got pretty much the same reaction when i tried to have a conversation about it, got told if i want that i need to leave. I’m pretty sure if it was the other way around she wouldn’t put up with it and she’s expect me to talk about it like an adult. Hey ho maybe one day when the time is right i’ll just walk away and leave her to it.

Twice a month, BJs, lingerie and anal, which she finds quite pleasant.

I think a lot of people on this thread would be over the moon with that.

I’d love twice a month, once a month or even once a year would be an improvement

True, but maybe it also depends on personal circumstances, if you’ve spent years doing two or three times a week with everything mentioned and now it’s twice a month , to them it perhaps is sexless. The accepted definition though is less than 10 times per year, personally would love ten times a year as for BJ, can’t remember the last time, or the last time she wanted oral for that matter, sex that didn’t have to be inthe pitch dark would be wonderful too

I can only give a bitter chuckle. If you’d been told by your SO that “once a month is above the technical definition of sexless” so you’ve no right to complain, you would understand just how meaningless it is to put a technical definition on being loved. Not being “technically” sexless is so besides the point, and not what anyone here has a problem with. As if we just need a few more orgasms and everything will magically be better.

And anyway, we’re well in to “technically” sexless now, so really I’m only guilty of an early diagnosis.

@WarmWhisper So much of your story resonates with me and reflects my experience. She won’t talk about it, won’t go near it, and treats me like a sexpest in my own marriage if Im the least bit affectionate beyond the most chaste of hugs. Gets sad and angry if I broach the conversation myself.

Like another poster said, getting a divorce might be the morally right thing to do, but why would I give up the 95% I love to fix the 5% that depresses me? I know if I divorced, in my later years I would regret it so much.

And yet part of me knows that if I don’t find a fix for this I am going to resent her for it. I mean, more than I already do.

Back in April, WarmWhispers first post was to tell everyone how he and his wife had finally started having anal sex, starting slow and building up and how pleasant she found it. There's obviously been some communication there.

I know someone whose wife went completely off sex throughout the menopause and they have an agreement that the DH is permitted to have sex with the same person but they will stay together. I’m not sure it would work for me, but it shows there are creative alternatives to unhappiness or divorce.

Perhaps another perspective which is probably the opposite of helpful.

I’m early 50s, mother of tricksty teens, carer of very unwell elderly parents, senior job, married 20 plus years.

Thought I’d lost my libido almost entirely down to the above and menopause.

Turns out I don’t actually desire my (genuinely wonderful) DH sexually anymore. I know I can still get aroused because oh boy did lightning strike when an old (very long time ago!) flame got in touch. Nothing happened but it made me realise my issue wasn’t physical, I was on the verge of booking an appointment for testosterone too…

I’m now listening to mating in captivity on audiobook, got myself some solo relationship counseling and desperately wondering what on earth I do about my 90% great marriage. And what is or isn’t fair to DH.

Hello, Mrs @LochSunart : I didn't expect to meet you here!

Maybe missing the point here? Im sorry but a wife who, after years of marriage, still has sex twice a month, gives BJs and tries out anal to keep her husband happy, should not be accused of being sexless. She's anything but.

I dont care about technical definitions and never gave one but Im struggling to understand how any husband could expect more from his wife or think shes not trying? Talk of divorce in that situation seems crazy.

@ThatAquaSnail I hear you, that situation would be a massive step up for me and I would be much happier. I was, in fact, quite happy while my DW was trying hard and doing her best, even though it was coming down from when I was happiest. And I genuinely hope that things work out for the poster whose wife sounds like she’s trying.

But in my case, the underlying problem is that my DW does not like sex very much and does not want to talk about sex. Her trying hard was her unilateral decision, when and how much and how long and what we did; She would decide without talking to me, ask if I wanted it and that’s all I would get.

Eventually the stress got her and she had a massive blowup at me for not appreciating all her hard work and calling me a sexpest (my words, but that was the thrust of it).

I came here after all this happened, because I need to talk to somebody. I now meet the technical definition of a sexless marriage, but I knew this is where it was headed and I might have joined sooner. I don’t think we should exclude people who can sense a problem brewing just because technically it’s not this problem yet.

But maybe you’re right and maybe the people whose partners are still trying belong in a different support group.

Not sure this is a support group as such but obviously everyone situation is different. I guess in my mind there is a difference between a sexless marriage and mismatch of sex drive? There is probably not a man on earth who doesnt want more sex than he is getting in his marriage.

I guess it depends why he wants sex, does he want it because he's a horny little bastard, if so he probably wants it all the time, if he wants it because it's more of a confirmation that the other person still wants/fancies him still then the frequency is probably less important, but the longer the intervals the more he will wonder.

When i was younger i used to love the whole experience, the experimenting, the staying up all night but now i'm a lot older it's different, i still very much enjoy the experience although the frequency has completely faded, but now after many years of being together it has another meaning...it means she still wants me, still fancies me (you assume). It wouldn't even matter if we didn't go all the way, it's about her wanting me to to touch her, and her wanting to touch me.

It's no longer really about the physical aspects, now it's more about the emotional attachment it brings.

For me, I love sex, always have. Assumed men would always want it, so it’s hard for me that my husband doesn’t/cant. For whatever reason I have very strong physical urges for sex and orgasms in way I think more traditionally associated with men and apart from here, I can’t really talk about that. All that said, the reason I love it now with my husband is the emotional attachment as the previous poster has said. If he could manage more than once every 3 years I’d be happy to muddle through with a monthly shag and frequent masturbation. But I need more…

Yep same here. But not necessarily with my wife! :)

I think everyone probably has their own idea about what frequency means to them, i'd love 3 times a week, i'd be happy with 4 times a month, i'd settle for once a month, sadly none of those are likely to become reality.

My problem is that when it's that infrequent that it's almost non-existent i tend to go into emotional shut down mode to protect myself, almost to the point where i try to convince myself that i don't fancy her and that i don't want to have sex with her, it doesn't fix the problem though because she notices when i emotionally start pulling away then the conversation becomes a bit awkward because that kind of coping mechanism also looks like i'm trying to punish her in some way, but the fact of the matter is that if i continue to make myself emotionally available it just hurts more when it's not reciprocated. It's a lose lose...

It's horrible really because my guess is that for the majority of men in sexless marriages the rest of the relationship is probably pretty good, sex is an important emotional asset to any relationship so i won't discount it but whenever the subject of leaving a marriage due to a lack of it comes up it almost feels a bit selfish, this woman who has been by your side for as long as you can remember suddenly cast aside because she won't/can't have sex anymore...could be simply because her hormones are out of balance or maybe something else she couldn't control triggered her to have less urges i don't know...

I guess the only time i would see it as unselfish would be if she'd had or was having an affair, she had stopped fancying you in that way and openly admitted it or she was holding back out of spite...then i'd be gone...

This is spot on.

Same for us women too.

and apologies for my last post, it was a bit ott