Sexless Marriages Support Thread part 2

[AishaReturns]

My last thread got full so starting a new one. This is a place to rant, support and share advice for coping in sexless marriages. All welcome, no judgment just support.

me: 40s female, been probably 3 yrs.

Asking for my friend too 😂

Wow that is a massive swing from one side to the other. What do you think has caused that huge change?

Mainly due to a full hysterectomy so zero hormones, i think that may have affected her in many other ways as well, it’s difficult because it’s 100% not her fault and i fully respect her decision to not want it anymore but i feel guilty for having a high sex drive, if it was for any other reason than medical i would consider leaving the sexless marriage bit i’m sort of morally trapped.

Reddit can be good, but you need to put the work in and be patient!

Tentatively place marking. This isn’t something I’ve discussed online or in real life.

Been 6 years now. In honesty it’s a bad marriage all round and that should have ended years ago. I feel I am reliving my own parent’s marriage. Child with a disability, recent health issues and finances have kept me here.

I decided in summer that it actually feels unbearable now (bloody perimenopause and libido surge hasn’t helped!) and had resolved to leave soon but as ever life had thrown another curve ball.

I feel you @SoThatsTheWayItIs the surge is unbearable at times. I have a number of different toys that I can recommend

So true, that which was commonplace in the early days is now as stated weird,pervy,disgusting, favourite quote is, “ you’re not a teenager “, don’t know why it changed so much over the last few years. Another sad thing is, personally, the less sex we have, the more I’ve become uninterested in doing it anyway, on the rare occasions she wants to, I almost feel like saying no thanks because you push me away so often that I’ve actually lost interest, I don’t obviously because there’s always that slight belief that maybe she’s rediscovering her sexual appetite, but alas, no

When I was with my ex, I turned her down on two occasions. Childish I know, but I was fed up of having no control over my sexlife. It didn't go well. She was very upset and tried to work out the exact reason. I thought it a very odd reaction, when she didn't want to, that was totally fine.

Like you I lost interest, and sex made me very anxious, and sadly I lost all enjoyment.

Now I'm single, I'm terrified of the idea of having sex again. If I do have another relationship, I worry that I'll be the one who doesn't want to have sex. Having experience that, I don't want to do that to someone else.

Nothing much to add here, just tagging into the new thread as my self esteem is through the floor due to this at the moment.

I do think in most cases if sex falls of the menu it falls off forever, now there are exceptions obviously like illness, appetite returning temporarily at perimenopause etc but if she’s made that decision she’s either made it for a reason or her body has made the decision for her, i’m learning like you that it’s not coming back, the question constantly spinning around in my head is ‘if it was someone else laying here would she still feel the same’

The answer to that question would ultimately allow me to decide what to do next.

I was on the other thread. I have just been a supporter cheering those in a sexless marriage along. What strikes me is the partner not having sex is cutting off a way of communication in a marriage. Sex is a way to communicate love, desire and also to repair. Not only this but they are making the person that wants sex in the relationship seem unreasonable. I feel some of you are being gas lit by your partners, they make you feel seedy and pervy for wanting a connection with your them. That is not ok. It’s ok for them not to want sex but it’s ok for you to want it. I know there’s a fine line to tread for most of you and you are all doing right by your families but you are making a sacrifice of your own happiness.

My wife definitely makes me feel pervy for even watching a normal TV programmer if a sex scene comes on. She would normally turn over. I think she just hates anything to do with sex.

I can relate to that, i’m willing to bet you can relate to this, my wife put a considerable amount of effort in at the beginning when i was what she wanted and she was thinking about building a future.

I wouldnt actually go that far. My wife never really liked it but obviously went through the motions as she wanted a relationship. I was naive as a teenage and didn't realise we were not normal. To a teenage boy, even seeing a bare breast for the first time is mind-blowing.

Hmm well i guess everyone is different and in your case at least there was no ‘staging’ not that it makes it any easier. Did she ever get her hormones checked? Or was the issue she could do it but just didn’t want to?

Issues around neurodiversity more than anything else. Sensory etc.

Ahh ok yes that’s a very difficult one and i’m not entirely sure it’s fixable.

My case is a bit different. Together since our mid teens now mid 60's and no sex for around 12 years.
Not that I don't want it or still have the urge, sex was great and I do terribly, but pretty much for the last 30 years I've suffered with uti's, they were so bad especially after sex that I just couldn't face doing it anymore, pretty much 6/7 and that's without having sex and what felt like rattling due to taking antibiotics.

Menopausal, I'm medicated for that now, have been for years and finally the year before last tests and medication to help towards preventing uti's, have been nearly a year free of them now but left me literally to scared to restart having sex incase the uti's start up again.

I will say though I really do miss having sex.

You won’t know unless you try, have a go and see what happens. Good luck.

There is more to sex than just the aspect you are concerned about. Did it all stop?

No, thank goodness, we still use other ways to make each orgasum in other ways but I still miss piv sex.

I've recently started using dialators in the hope they help as i'm sure every thing down there is shrinking.

I’m sure it will be fine once it’s wet enough, you’ll ease back into it, it will soon feel natural again.

I have a variety of emotions when there's a sex scene on the TV and my wife and I are watching together. However, I have almost totally detached myself from my wife sexually - I've had to, for my own sanity - so a sex scene now has the same effect on me as if I were single: i.e. it turns me on (sometimes, not always) but doesn't make me feel particularly awkward. We never comment on such scenes. However...

... if she did make a comment, along the lines of, "Remember when we used to do that?" or, god forbid, "Thank god that's all behind us," I'd be telling her straight that that's not something to laugh about, and is really quite tragic. However (again!)...

... sex scenes are nothing compared to adultery on-screen, because my wife had an affair (a long time ago, but it never leaves you) and, as I had to read the emails between her and her AP, I know that the sex they had was passionate and lustful - so if she ever said, "Remember when we used to do that?" I'd be tempted to reply, "Not really, but I remember reading about you doing it with something else." However (again!)...

... I wouldn't do that because bitterness and shaming are not my thing; they're not a way forward.

I feel your pain my friend, i don’t think you ever get over someone cheating on you, i think if i gave someone a second chance and they stopped wanting sex with me i’d show them the door instantly, if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me or you can f.in do one.