Sexless Marriages Support Thread part 2

[AishaReturns]

My last thread got full so starting a new one. This is a place to rant, support and share advice for coping in sexless marriages. All welcome, no judgment just support.

me: 40s female, been probably 3 yrs.

Its selfish when it impacts the whole family. I struggle with the idea that I would choose not seeing my daughter every day because I cannot cope without sex.:(

It’s never just that though is it. It’s the connection and the intimacy.

But my relationship and time with my daughter is the most important thing in the world to me. I guess its what we prioritise most.

Yeah. I waited, until I thought I’d cope and be enough to carry everyone through. They were young adults when I finally got to a point I felt ok for everyone to do it. It helped that they noticed the lack of any affection and for a while I thought how is this a healthy relationship to show them

I’m with you on this, although everyday i feel broken because that small part of my marriage is missing, and while the rest of the family are happy and just getting on with their lives, my wife seemingly unaware or uninterested in the effect it’s having on me, when my daughter hugs me and tells me how much she loves me i just can’t bring myself to put my own feelings first.

The alternative might well mean i get the 5% that’s missing from my marriage from someone else but would i be able to cope with the other 95% being missing, that 95% is pretty amazing! I almost wish she’d be a shit wife in other ways then it might make the decision easier.

Does anyone have any advice when partner promises to sort himself out but never does. I’m considering taking on a lover just to fulfil my needs. Part of me feels guilty but half of me feels like I should look after myself after years of rejection.

@Yorkie86 : I commented on your original thread. Here's my advice for what it's worth.

Take some time, either on your own or with a trusted friend, and go through your options, maybe writing them down, and try to be objective, at least to begin with. Then perhaps spend some time thinking about each option, and see how you feel about each one. Be selfish (which is your right.) Then make a plan. I can suggest what your options are but I'm sure you can come up with them yourself.

Just hopping on to give my experience. I'd been in a sexless marriage for 10 years, together 30 in total. Lack of sex was from me towards him. Lots of little things he'd done to undermine my trust and erode my love and desire for him. Every time he told me he was a hot blooded man and he deserved sex I suggested we split then so we could both be happy. But he didn't want that. Once the kids were at university I took the plunge and ended the marriage.

Got on the apps. Had the best time. I'm 50s and had so much interest from good looking younger men, it was a massive ego boost. Loads of fun dates etc. But eventually met a really lovely man my own age and we are like a pair of teenagers. Never had such amazing sex in my life. Together several years now and shows no sign of slowing down.

Don’t be a cheat, it’s a horrible trait, just leave and pursue a new relationship instead. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

I don't know if my relationship counts as sexless, but I'm feeling like we are getting to that point. It's been hard the last few years since having our child (and was before too if I'm honest with myself). Now we are at the stage where it feels like it only happens in very rare circumstances ( e.g every few weeks during the day at the weekend when our child is at a class). And even then if there is something else to do sex falls off the radar. It seems like we only do it to as an obligation rather than something that is enjoyable or important to our relationship. It is important to me, but not my wife it seems. I don't want the be the cliché of a husband moaning but I guess that's where i am. Where we go next I don't know, we've talked about it numerous times ( when I bring it up) but nothing seems to change and feeling helpless now as I don't want to end the relationship or cause further distance between us. I don't know what I hope to achieve with this post either, but is an outlet at least.

Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest, i find it helps just to get the opinions of others on here, i don’t want to end my marriage either but if i’m brutally honest i think when the intimacy is gone it’s most likely not going to come back, so i think your only choice is to put up with it, leave or cheat, all extremely difficult choices to make for different reasons, i still haven’t decided which way to go, the least likely is cheating.

I was hoping there was a fourth option of rekindling things somehow, but appreciate that isn't easy and that there isn't a simple fix to achieve that.

I’m not going to say it’s impossible but it would depend why the intimacy disappeared in the first place, if it was due to stress, injury or hormone changes etc then i would say there’s a chance, if she’s lost her desire for you or has emotionally checked out or switched her attention to someone else for example then that’s a different story altogether.

I’m going through what you’re going through right now with no intimacy at all for 4 years, obviously i thought like you that maybe it would come back but i’m now starting to realise that it’s almost certainly not going to so i’m now trying and struggling to figure out what to do next.

Stress, other priorities, mismatch of sex drive. I don't think there is anyone else, she's said before she doesn't know how people find the time and energy to have an affair. We've probably lost a bit of the spark but I don't think it's terminal, but finding a way back is so hard

Sorry you are going through the same too

Based on what you just said i’d certainly have a go at recovery, find some time, maybe book a night or a weekend away and spend some quality time together and see if the bond starts to come back, don’t put any pressure on sex though just see how it plays out, if you put more effort into spending quality time together maybe the closeness will recover over time. It’s not going to be something that repairs itself overnight though i wouldn’t have thought.

I've tried those, it's always felt a bit forced, but appreciate the advice and probably need to keep trying

Just remember Rome wasn’t built in a day, good luck mate.

i Fully understand what you’re saying and I’ve never cheated or ever thought I would but I can’t leave I have nowhere to go and it’s my home with children. He refuses to leave

Ooh that’s a tricky one, i guess you could try mediation or counselling? Or maybe the push he needs is for you to tell him if he doesn’t try harder you want an open relationship, see if that wakes him up a bit. I do sympathise with you as i’m in a similar predicament.

@CarbonelKitten : Your scenario seems to be the best and only way to resolve this problem. It's very rare to hear of a couple fixing long-term libido mismatch. Good for you. I'm not jealous.

@Newtonotts An interesting thing about your first comment is that, until I got to the word 'wife', I couldn't tell whether you were male or female - and this shows that sexless marriages affect both sexes equally. It's not just men 'moaning' about lack of sex.

I do think perhaps we aren't supposed to be together so long. And you get bored of sex with the same person after so long. And all the little resentments build up and turn you off as well. I'm happy with the new relationship and enjoy the sex because we don't have any history of unpleasantness or weirdness towards me. I definitely got the ick with my ex because of how he behaved towards me and I don't think there's any coming back from that unfortunately 😕

I've always been of the same opinion, i think a relationship probably has a healthy life span for around 2/4 years before things start to become a bit stale, the problem is that most people especially when they reach a certain age want commitment and security, which is understandable, having children also pulls people together and creates a scenario that makes it more difficult to part company...

I'd be interested to know what was different years ago, like your grandparents era when you got married young and stayed with your partner for life...i find it hard not to blame social media, peer pressure, reality TV and anything else that brainwashes people into thinking that everyone should live the barbie and ken lifestyle. Seems that things like muscles, fish lips, bum lifts and fake tans have become the new must haves and if you don't have them you're just not a candidate for a relationship. I'm glad i'm old enough to not care about such superficial bollox.

As you say, our grandparents were in a different era. I would imagine a woman in a sexless marriage would just put up with it, as her chances of being employed were slim, and womens’ jobs were paid in line with being extra pocket money for the family. And women weren’t allowed mortgages until 1975.

As for the men in sexless marriages, they didn’t need to get consent until it became law in 1991, so I would imagine that many of them simply took what they thought was their right as a married man.