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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

342 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:18

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 26/06/2009 14:21

It is very suspicious. Ask him if he is having an affair with her.

atterual · 26/06/2009 14:21

sorry to hear this, cant you ring her again and actually speak to her and ask her why there are so many messages from YOUR husband, to HER number? Surely you have a right as his wife!! Thats what I would do.

Scorps · 26/06/2009 14:23

You need to know if this is actually your childminder. 44 messages to a childminder is excessive and inappropriate.

Lulumama · 26/06/2009 14:24

you must get the childminders number

but even then, why would he text her 44 times a day??

i know you have had problems with your DH on and off, maybe this is the final push to get rid and find someone decent and nurturing

phone back and ask for the cm by name

islandlassie · 26/06/2009 14:25

I have no experience of this at all bu just wanted to show support and to say I'm sorry. You deserve the truth though remember that

HolyGuacamole · 26/06/2009 14:27

44 messages in one day is excessive to say the very least. One explanation could be that he has been sitting on his phone and it has been sending out blank messages without him realising it. (My name is usually first on people phones because of how it is spelt and I often get bombarded with texts one after the other that are blank and it's not until I call the number and let them know, that they realise this has happened. It's usually the case that the keypad hasn't been locked etc.)

However, that is a long shot.

Do you know her number to be sure that it is her?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:38

He has just sent her number , it matches. He says now he cannot remember what they were talking about, just sort of about her husband, started with she apologised that he (her H) was abit short with (my) H when he picked up my DS ... but thinking about the dates now that would have been 4 days before. I doubt there is an affair, childminder is... well, she wouldn't be intrested in H... I dunno, maybe she just wanted an ear but he usually tells me things. I just don't know whether I am coming or going, she is dropping DS off in 30 mins... just odd they stop about 7 when he gets home. He can't remember what all these texts were about though...

OP posts:
MaggieBeau · 26/06/2009 14:40

44 messages.... that's a conversation.. At the very least they're worryingly close. Or at least that's how I'd feel if I were married to him.

treedelivery · 26/06/2009 14:41

Sounds odd to me. WHy isn't it possible the childminder and the DH are......

Anything is possible, as hard as that reality is.

Am sorry this has happened to you today. It might be nothing but it is still awful to have the feelings you are having.

atterual · 26/06/2009 14:43

you simply have to ask her when she drops off your DS. You must. Maybe then you can perhaps put yoru mind at rest. His explanation could be right. Then again I think from her reaction you will know!

LundyBancroftatemyhusband · 26/06/2009 14:44

Oh dear. It doesn't sound very encouraging.

He's acting defensively as well? (stroppy)

Can you maybe confront the CM? Just about the messages I mean - not suggesting they are up to owt.

saintmaybe · 26/06/2009 14:45

Are you sure it's her number? Ring it?

It's a bit sus, at least.

LundyBancroftatemyhusband · 26/06/2009 14:46

If I were going to see her later on I'd probably pretend to know nothing, and ask her something about your DH's phone number to see if she knows it, something innocent to suss her out a bit and if her statements correspond to his...ie if she says 'Oh I haven't spoken to him' or 'I don't know his number' it'd be really odd immediately.

But I am quite a marply type

Sorry you are going through this

HolyGuacamole · 26/06/2009 14:47

I'd ask her when she shows up. I don't mean confront, I mean be nice about it or maybe even make a joke about it. Your answer will show, not in what she says but in her expression (unless DH has spoken to her before she shows up at yours and has a pre-prepared answer ready).

Sorry, I don't mean to sound presumptuous but 44 texts

treedelivery · 26/06/2009 14:49

I'd say nothing - if there is a worst case scenario explanation here, dh will have informed cm to be on gaurd.

HolyGuacamole · 26/06/2009 14:49

Sorry, also wanted to say that with 44 texts, he absolutely should remember what they were about.

treedelivery · 26/06/2009 14:51

Hell yeah!

SusieDerkins · 26/06/2009 14:51

You could ask her for her number when she comes over - you could say you need it just in case you have to get hold of her. And get a mate to ring that number when she's round at yours to see if her phone rings.

44 messages is a lot. If it was a 2 way thing and you add his and hers together then you're looking at over 80 in a working day - 8 or 10 messages an hour.

What do you think is going on?

NorkilyChallenged · 26/06/2009 14:54

What Susie said - just ask for her number, it's a bit unusual for you NOT to have her number as your cm anyway so that is easily done. If the numbers match, you don't need to say anything as she will have been warned by your dh probably.

However, I am wondering if the numbers match at all - your DH knew straight away that it was your cm's number but had to take some time to check what her number was to confirm it with you, if I have understood correctly??? That's a bit weird. What if it isn't her number at all...?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:57

I rung the no. earlier, it did sound like her. I hung up though. He is angry now, first trying to explain now 'filing for divorce'. Yesterday he blew his top (really out of the blue/rare now) and said he would take the DSs away etc. I am just shell shocked from the past few days now... numb. I don't want to ask CM incase it was just her feeling low about her marriage and texting H innocently, I don't want to embarrass her. OTOH, if it's more than that he would have text her. I met her H the other day, good looking, charming... I very much doubt she is after my H, but he was probably like a dog with a bone, lapping up whatever attention and overstepping the CM/'employer' mark... urgh, I just don't know... I have to start dinner... it'll all sink in in a while...

OP posts:
Lulumama · 26/06/2009 14:59

LoW, i remember lots of your other threads about your DH's nasty and abusive behaviours

this sounds like just one more awful thing he has done

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 26/06/2009 14:59

Right - this is what you do. You say to your husband, WTF is going on! Then you ring the CM, your EMPLOYEE and say you have noticed lots of correspondence between her and your DH, that you are worried that there is a problem with the children. Because if your DH needed to have 44 messages between him and this woman there must have been something significant going on.

This doesn't sound good at ALL.

Thing is, if they are having an affair, they will pretty much have their stories straight by now

Lulumama · 26/06/2009 15:00

threatening to file for divorce is not a normal reaction to a row/discussion

it is defenisve and he sounds like he is hiding something

SusieDerkins · 26/06/2009 15:00

He's clearly got something to hide judging from his complete over reaction and his aggressive approach towards you. Perhaps he pestered her with texts and is a bit embarrassed about his behaviour now.

MmeLindt · 26/06/2009 15:01

44 messages and he does not remember what they were about?

He is either

  • having an affair with her
  • bothering her and she does not return his feelings so she might be feeling awkward about speaking to you

I cannot for the life of me think of anohter explanation. Sorry.

Hope you find out soon.