44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

[LadyOfWaffle]

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

YOU need to take the lead here.

YOU have done nothing wrong.

YOU are not going to lose your children.

YOU can make a better life for YOURSELF.

If he truly truly loved you, he wouldn't so anything to hurt you.

No man would.

I want to punch this idiot in the face, how old is he??

The CM is lying - is she a personal friend? Because when there is something wrong with your car you phone a friend, not your mindees father. For that reason alone, id sack her, it implies that she initiated the "conversation". IF it were true, your dh would have said, oh yes, i forgot to tell you the CMs car was playing up and i helped her out, she would have mentioned it to you too - "oh, your DH was great helping me with the car etc" - come ON LOW wake up and smell the coffee, i know its hard but you deserve so much better than this.

You need to get a new CM for starters - she is taking the piss, do you really want this woman looking after your children and weedling her way into their lives?

You say he probably wont come home tonight - well good. Do you own your house? Is it rented? Whose name is on the rentbook, mortgage? He don't come home tonight, first thing, you go and change the locks.

Your children deserve a father who loves and respects their mother. I can't say whether he loves you, but he certainly don't respect you .

I know you don't want to believe it, i can totally understand, but i think deep down you know that he has done the dirty. From what ive read into this thread its not the first time he has treated you badly. So what if its good sometimes, You want someone that it is good with ALL the time, not fairy tale good, we all have ups and downs, but they don't include infidelity, lies and lack of respect.

Can you visualise yourself being on your own without him? I bet your first thought is that you couldn't stand the pain of it BUT imagine this - you could feel you have more self esteem from valuing yourself enough to decide you are NOT going to put up with being treated badly. You could relax rather than being on edge wondering when he is going to make you feel like shit again and what he is going to do next. You could spend some time getting to know yourself and developing more sense of self and feeling you are a good enough person in your own right without needing to have someone with you to prove you are good enough because they think you are good enough for them to be with. What you think of yourself is more important than what another person thinks.

You would then be free to meet new people and eventually connect with someone who knows how to treat people properly. People are not all like your H, although you might feel that they are, after the way you have been treated. You have probably got used to it and learnt to think of it as normal.

Bollocks to waiting for your H to grow up or whatever without you for a while and then wanting to get back with you - you can find someone better! You probably think you couldn't but you could! Look at the people you know who have found people who treat them nicely - I bet most of them are not 'better' than you but they have managed it! Would their Hs treat them the way yours treats you? What would you say to them if they said they had?

Sorry to hear what's happened . Staying at his mates house is taking the piss. I'd be on the verge of changing the locks and getting in touch with the CAB / Relate / solicitor and try and get some control over it.

LOW

It seems that you've gone from one poor relationship into yet another. You probably don't think you really deserve any better but you are so wrong on that count.

Both the CM and your H have acted inappropriately here; she did not see it fit to previously inform you that she was receiving all these messages from him. They've both been caught out and neither are showing any remorse, particularly your H here who has mentioned divorce and has not taken any real responsibility for his actions. He has acted appallingly throughout this whole sorry episode. He probably also thinks that you would not last a day without him. Prove him wrong!!.

If you talk to your H talk to him on the phone and converse properly.

if you don;t take steps to start boosting your self esteem to a point you can leave him and if you don;t take steps to get this abusive man out of your life, and your DSSs, then this will all quieten down

until the next time

and the next time

and the time after that

IIRC there has been violence?

you have to get out

he has gone to his mates, which shows just how important he thikns his marriage is

The whole thing about him going to his mates is partly because he is an inconsiderate arsehole. Possibly a bit thick and can't actually see what he is doing wrong. Or, and more likely, he is doing so to control you - he knows you will be sat alone brooding etc.

Tonight will be shit - is there anyone who can come and sit with you, get a bottle of wine and a take away, get plastered, have a cry, call him all the names under the sun. Yeah, we are here but it isn't the same as somone there with you to distract you.

I'm not suggesting that you do this so that the snivelling little cunt comes back with his tail between his legs, im saying it so that actually, you realise that you don't need him, you CAN manage on your own. Its going to be shit to start off with, but eventually, you will be stronger and happier and your children want nothing more than a strong and happy mummy.

This must be so hard but you have to make a stand. If it was innocent he would not be acting like this. He is being a dick and hiding while you calm down so he can come back and wipe his feet on your feelings.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

Please try to resist the urge to text him - any conversation you have with him regarding this should really be done either face to face, or failing that by speaking on the phone. Bloody difficult to manage that though, I do understand.

I think you should wait for him to either come home or to call you so that he is the one who has to do the talking. Use MN all night if you must - every time you feel like picking up the phone to either text or call him post something (anything!) on here just to get over the urge.

I also agree with some of the others who have said it's probably best for you to get another CM. I feel that the line has been crossed with your current CM and she acted in an inappropriate way.

Stay strong & use MN - this is what it's best for.

Where are you? Are there any MNers nearby?

What Lulumama said she is wise.

CM did explain... I think she really did think it was innocent, I have seen some texts between them and DH asks Qs alot, so she has to reply. Or finishes a text about DS and childcare related with "how is your evening" or something.

He is 26, an immature 26.

We own our house - both names on the mortgage. I couldn't keep it but it's been ripped apart as we are re-doing it so prob. neg equity ATM.

He said yesterday/day before he didn't love me/forced marriage etc. etc. and that he says he denies it for an easy life. Then he denied it and said he'd said all that to hurt me, because he knew it would. Confusing to say the least!

I can visualise a life without him, but it upsets me alot when I think of us when it's all OK. If I HAD to choose one or the other, forever and couldn't change my mind, I would choose being with him. I can think of more solid reasons to leave though than stay.

I don't know anyone who can come over... I have text a friend but we are friends through him.

The last straw really has been the fact he's turned this on me, waiting for me to do the begging while he has a night off!

Look, if you kick out this guy you won't regret it! You're so young, you have years to recover from this guy and to get back up on your feet again. Take in a couple of spanish students or something to meet the mortgage.

He sounds horrible to be honest. Treatening to take the children "because you are mad" and flying off the handle at you for a reasonable observation that 44 texts to cm is excessive. He's not trying to reassure you now. He's fekked off because he can. He's treating you like his mum and dad's house.

Tell him to get ON with divorcing you. Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT, do NOT beg this guy for anything.

Change the locks while he's out, if you send him a text, tell him he doesn't live at your address anymore.

it all sounds so immature. there needs to be a 'cut the shit' conversation.

no more playing games - i'm not bloody 18!

sorry your going through this

It IS immature, it's like being bloody teenagers. I don't think I can make excuses based on his age anymore, 26 is plenty time enough to grow up. The house isn't very big - I could rent the whole thing out to cover the mortgage but that'd leave me homeless - mum's isn't an option. Mortgage benefit doesn't happen for 8 months (?) - it would be long repossessed by then. I am waiting for it all to sink in yet ...

Do you have one spare room?

You could have a foreign student, £100 a week tax free. They just need a bed and a desk.

He's not a SAHM dad though is he, ifyou have a CM?

Because that is the ONLY reason he'd have any grounds to TRY to get residency, so don't worry.

Judges must joke to eachother, well, well, what have we here, another mentally ill mother. There's one every ten minutes isn't there?

My x tried to play that card too. He got nowhere. There are a couple of hundred MNers whose exes say they're mad and the children are with their Mums.

so the next time he says that about you being mad or depressed, just smile serenely and tell hm he's deluding himself if he thinks that he is a psychologist.

LoW - 44 texts is not just a 'How is your evening?' 5 might be, or even 10 at a stretch ( being kind) but not 44 in one day.

He has obviously not been harassing her, or she would probably have mentioned something. It sounds highly inappropriate whatever is happening. So, now he sods off for an evening, leaving you to stew...

The divorce thing is just a threat to keep you in your place. Do you really want this man around?

44 texts is nuts, sorry. I used to text my "friend" a lot and there kind of was something going on, and that used to get up to only about 10-15 texts a day at the very most. I agree with the "change the locks" sentiment. Really hope you make the decision to make the break, and then keep going, one step at a time. Take care

You could do with seeing a solicitor darling- I think he would have to keep paying the mortgage you know.

LOW, is the CM only used by your dh? why didn't you know her mobile number, surely the mum would know her cm's mobile no.? why would only your dh have it?

I'm sorry but I dont believe your CM. If it were about a car then your husband would have just remembered and told you at the time. And 44 texts is excessive.

I have been involved in a silly text relationship in the past. DH now knows and we were not married at the time. That averaged 20 to 30 texts a day. It is simply inappropriate to text anyone that amount of times without there being something, even "if only" emotional involvement, going on.

Also was your CM minding your chidren that day? If so, definately sack her.

Your husband sounds like a d* head. Sorry/

He just came in - sees nothing wrong with 44 texts, 15 another day, 16 another... told me to get a life and DS woke so he's gone to put him back to bed. DH deals with CM, I am shy etc, find it hard with people... not having her no. yet was just forgetfulness & the fact my mobile is usually in a drawer

I would get a life too - one without him in it.

CM only picks DS up and takes him straight to nursery and then picks him up and drops him back again. The day in question though she couldn't do it though because she was ill. Not too ill to text my H!