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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

342 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:18

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/06/2009 20:07

this is so sad. so so sad

i hope you find the strenght to move forward

if you stay with him, you need to be stronger

but he will keep hurting you

what has he committed to do in terms of changing his behaviour?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 29/06/2009 20:07

Thanks Most of the time he doesn't, but when he does he doesn't realise as such. He gets into a totally different frame of mind.

If I called homestart it would feel like such a huge step back - I am filled with reminders of judgy HVs, the psychiatrist who took me out questioned me about something and said she didn't 'get' why it effected me so much... I don't want to put myself through that, when I got back I was so pleased to shut the door behind myself and shut them out. It's actually easier to go out alone! Besides, I have built myself up by myself - I was at a stage I slept with TV and light on, things like that but not anymore. It feels more solid like this rather than being dragged out by someone. And I am so scared that if my issues come to light abit more there will be long term consequences - my mum keeps saying, and even a psych. said stay out of the system.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 29/06/2009 20:15

All that's been discussed really so far is he said I could read his phone anytime and he won't delete messages before I've read them - nothing changed there, I've been able to read his phone whenever I wanted before, just wasn't quick enough to catch 'The 44' before deletion! He's said no more days not as a family (which isn't my issue, the lying was the issue) but I guess he means that, as I daresay at some point he will be asked somewhere I cannot go and I don't expect him not to go. That's as far as we have got, him being home so late the past few nights. I will sit and talk properly with him tonight and ask how he is going to change. I really don't think he'll stop me going to college, he's never stopped me going places.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/06/2009 20:18

he has stopped ou though, indirectly, by not giving you money and leaving you without transport.

he needs to commit to something like ocunselling to get to grips with why he behaves like this..

otherwise it is is just so much hot air

i am osrry yu have had negative experiences with mental health professionals. but that does not meant they will all be the same

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 29/06/2009 20:20

But thats just it LOW, homestart is nothing like that. I was a bit dubious about getting involved with the local homestart play group. That was all it was, a play group. I thought - fuck that, thats for mums who can't cope. I could cope, so why did i need them? But i went along because it was just around the corner and i was looking for a midweek playgroup for DD. It was great, really really great - so lovely to have the time to chat to other mums, really chat because i knew that there was more than just my eyes on DD. They put on activities every week, something new - was great fun, mostly ended up with us mums making crafty stuff while the kids wandered off to the lego! We had a giggle. They organised trips out to places that i woudlnt hve gone without them because i wouldnt have thought to go - local environment centre, only open to schools etc - fantastic. I had terrible PND, but homestart never knew that. I did mention it to a play worker once, she was "are you doing ok, you need any help" Nah, i said, im managing - we never mentioned it again. No reason whatsoever to get them "involved". I totally know where you are comign from with the HVs - cloud cuckoo land most of em!

From what you say, you have done so well, you have built yourself up and that is just fantastic. But if you are not careful, this guy is going to drag you right back down.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 29/06/2009 20:32

What could he do? I don't know where to go with this, with the view of working it out (for now). What conditions are normal? I'd love to say never text the childminder again but that;s not totally rational given that they didn't really do anything wrong.

Do homestart contact your GP/HV? TBH I just need more friends

OP posts:
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 29/06/2009 20:41

They most certainly do not contact your GP or HV. The only reason i pointed you to GP/HV is that they will have the local number, just in the same way they have a list of local toddler groups etc. The whole ethos of the group i attended that it was a general group for ALL mums. The mums of mine were all quite middle class. I was intimidated by that at first but the play workers wont allow anyone to sit on the outside. I really enjoyed it. Homestart is just a really good way of getting out there, without it feeling intimidating like other M&T groups can be. Could be worth a try!

What can your DH do? I don't know - do you have counselling yourself just now? Because maybe that is what you BOTH need. I can't help but thinking you need a new childminder too, because the texting in itself was absolutely wrong - whether it was more suspect i guess we will never know. THAT would show some commitment from him that he recognises that he needs to change. Where was it that he went at the weekend? Thats the deal breaker for me

Ripeberry · 29/06/2009 20:45

Forget the number. Get yourself down to the CM's house now and just find out what on earth is he playing at. Why is she only dealing with him? Why are you not involved in the dropping off at the CMs?
Sorry but this is VERY suspicious.

Alambil · 29/06/2009 21:02

That's the whole problem LOW - it isn't JUST texting / nothing really wrong because nothing physical happened, is it?

it's miles and miles more than that - far, far deeper, far more insidious than that and it's working because you're doubting it's badness for not being too bad / only being this past weeek's issues...

dittany · 29/06/2009 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 30/06/2009 07:15

He doesn't stop you going places as long as you take the dses, right? So how will you manage college if he deliberately just isn't home when it's time for you to go?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2009 07:51

LOW

Your Mother (she sounds very bitter), your ex partner and now this H of yours have all contributed in their own ways as to how you feel now. They all have a hell of a lot to answer for. You have been dragged down previously and now its happening again with this awful H of yours. Your Mother made many mistakes in her marriage but as her daughter you don't have to replay them out in yours. You can take some control back by leaving all these awful people behind ultimately and making a new life for you and your children.
They won't thank you for staying with him.

I see a thoroughly nice young woman who has been dragged down by all these negative and toxic people over the years and now your H is taking you for a complete fool too. Your H is certainly contributing to your depressive state; he likely was a factor in causing this as well. Am I surprised his cousin displays such behaviour - not at all. I daresay your H's whole family are like this.

GetOrfMoiLand · 30/06/2009 08:17

Oh GOD LOW I have just read this whole thread and I feel so, so sorry for you.

Your post when you said he buggered off out of it, and you chased him down the street as he drove off, and you were reduced to desparately staring out the window waiting for him to come back made me well up. How horrible for you.

HE is the root of all your unhappiness. Even though you love him to bits, please realise this. He wil never change. Ever. Please do not waste your life on him. Very soon you will wake up and you will be 46, with all your youth gone, children who are cowered by this man (because he will start on your kids soon), and who have no respect for you because you will be completely trodden down by him then. It will get worse, not better.

You are only 22, you are a baby. You deserve years of happiness in front of you with someone who loves and cherishes you.

Please listen to other kind and wise mumsnetters, Lulumama, Dittany and others have given you such good advice. Please also listen to the stories of women who used to be in abusive relationships, and who were brave and strong and got the hell out of it, and who are now happy.

You need to get out.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2009 08:22

If I left today, where could I go? I don't think I could leave him and stay here...

OP posts:
Lulumama · 30/06/2009 09:26

phone womens aid

you could go to a refuge? i don;t know how it works

or seek legal advice / CAB today and find out what your rights are and what help you can get

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2009 09:29

is it bad enough to warrant a refuge...?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 30/06/2009 09:41

i don;t know the answer

what i do know is, you have been in an abusive relationship for years and you need to get out.

lewisfan is teh expert on this

even if you don;t leave this m inute, which might not be possible, take steps to leaving

do you see why you should leave him? do you understand why everyone is so horrified?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2009 09:43

When I think of the past, yeah... not so much this episode though.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 30/06/2009 09:45

i thikn you need to take this relationship as a whole. you can;t base a decision on what happened on one or two days. but you should based on everything that has happened over teh last few years

i remember a thread of yours before you had DS2 where you were asking for advice on how to leave and run from him, all the times he had left you alone when you needed support

nothing has changed , except you are even more ground down now

please stay strong.

SammyK · 30/06/2009 09:50

LOW, I know of people who have called women's aid and not been put in a refuge, but been helped to find a suitable property, and helped them to claim any entitlemnets that would help them move on to a new life.

If you phone them they can advise you on moving out. I don't know the full history of yourrelationship, but I agree with lulumama, look at the whole relationship, not little chunks of time.

Have you heard of the cycle of abusive relationships? the good spells are what stop a lot of women leaving.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2009 09:50

I do wish I'd gone then... well, except now I have DS2 I had more of a reason...

Been reading the WA website over and over, the FAQ about them changing... in a sense he did change, and if you class 'The 44' as a coversation that did nothing more than make me jealous, and the day out as a stupid incident then is it still that bad?

When DS1 goes to nursery I think I need to write down everything he has done in chronological order...

OP posts:
Dior · 30/06/2009 09:54

Stop defending him. The texts were not to make you jealous. The day out was very selfish. If you want to forgive him, do - you don't sound ready to leave him.

SammyK · 30/06/2009 09:56

That's a good idea LOW.

I have to say though, you seem very ground down and there will be lots of things he has done that by now won't register with you.

I would also put down general behaviours such as having your bank card on his person and you having to ask for it, lying, calling you crazy and threatening to take the children, not liking you discussing your relationship, etc.

Lulumama · 30/06/2009 10:01

but he should not be having a long text convo with another woman... he then threatened to divorce you, take teh children and then went off to a mates when you confronted him

that is not normal or accepatable

trying to make this sound better than it is is probnably a way to protect yourself from teh reality of what he has done

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 30/06/2009 10:02

But it wasn't an affair... what I mean is the only bad thing about them was they made me jealous. I just don't know, I change from wanting to grab the DSs and walk right now to forgive and forget. So many times I have mentally packed my bag, thought about what toys to take.

Then I read old threads from others, and the net and think I shouldn't leave the home, but it's easy to let him back in when I am here.

OP posts:
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