44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

[LadyOfWaffle]

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

but if you have trust and the relationship is based on equals, then you would have no reason to think badly of him. you would not be suspicious

if he had nothing to hide, why did he scarper and threaten divorce?

you are not happy

a lot of that is to do with him

you don't have to leave today, but you deserve better

you are exhausted already . another 5 - 10 years of this will finish you off

Hi LOW. I have been following this but not had anything to add to the brilliant advice the others have given you...but reading your post just now I was shouting at the telly so thought it was time to join in!

You say that the only bad thing was that they made you jealous? But that's not true, is it? The bad thing is that when you asked your H what was going on, he shouted at you, threatened you, threatened to take the kids and then stormed off leaving you alone wondering where he was and if he comes back.

From what I see, the issue here is not the texts (although it sounds fishy, some women put up with stuff like that and it's not for me to say) the issue is his behaviour towards you. He threatens you, he shouts (which the DCs WILL be listening to) he hurls verbal abuse at you at storms off like a grumpy teenager. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR. (Sorry, shouting again!).

Honestly. You are not living in a normal relationship with a normal person, having normal disagreements. You are living with a bully who shows you no respect, is constantly putting you down to the extent you think that its normal, and who is setting a HORRENDOUS example to your children as to how a man is.

I understand leaving is a huge issue, but PLEASE look into your options. Get some self esteem - the college course sounds fantastic! That, plus homestart or similar, will help you make friends - then you will get this horrible relationship in perspective and be strong enough to stand up to him. Otherwise in 30 years' time you could be watching your sons do this to their wives.....

Please. Re-read the thread from the start and look at what he has put you through - things he has said etc. Now imagine it's a friend telling you this about her - what would you say to her? Would you tell her it's OK? Didn't think so.

LOW i do sympathise with you i really do. I know what you mean about trying to find the good points. DP and I are struggling and he can be a shit (so can i!). He does have the "excuse" of being under tremendous pressure just now. I have wondered if it is worth carrying on. My DP and I have had a really good relationship in the past, he has been a saint. That in itself is what keeps me going. Your DH does not seem to have such a good track record. However, i don't care how good its been in the past - if my DP formed a close friendship (ie: one that warrants 44 text messages) with another woman, regardless of whether or not he is screwing her - that would be it. We would be finished. I would be exactly the same as you because i love my DP and look for ways out. I do understand where you are coming from.

You are 23? That is so young. I don't mean that in a patronising way - what i mean is, that is young enough to make a fresh start for yourself and your children. Women who are much older than you have to walk away from relationships and still make a new life for themselves.

Its time you started putting yourself first here - fuck your DH, let him do what he likes. If you don't want to leave the house - don't. Get some legal advice, find out what your options are - start squirrelling some money away so that if and when you do want to leave you have a safety blanket. This will give you the psychological upper hand and you will feel more positive. Making these enquiries doesn't have to be final. Just because you find out the way to leave, doesn't mean you have to leave, but it will at least give you that option to fall back on. I would start with women's aid, because they can point you in the right direction. Start putting feelers out amongst landlords - you will have more freedom to choose an area if you rent privately. There is no shame in getting a bit of help from the state - there are benefits designed to help people in your situation. Give you chance to get back on your feet etc.

At least find out about these things. You don't have to follow them through. But one day you are going to wake up and think I'VE HAD ENOUGH, and that day you want to be in a position to act.

I wish you all the luck in the world - you are clearly very intelligent and articulate. Your DH is a twunt if he can't see what he has, his loss!

LOW- I was only able to read some of your posts but not any of the advice that other MNers gave. Seems to me that you ARE in a very vulnerable position and your H is far from an ideal H to say the least. Also, you tend to blame yourself rather than others.

I quote you... " one episode of violence ever... he just can be all about himself. His cousin is the same , and so was his dad and TBH so is his mum. He gets tunnel vision and blocks everything else out."...this is all very bad. But I can see that you don't feel as though you are in a position to escape now. If that is what your have decided the PLEASE start to get your life in order so that you can leave when you need to. I think that he is so selfish/immature or whatever you choose to call you chose to call it, that things will blow up again.

So get yourself your bank card, learn to drive, start earning some money, STOP BEGGING HIM, ensure that you register an interest in the house......

Basically, I think that you have bigger issues than whether you husband has slept with the CM; important though that might be to you. So get your stuff sorted so that you can stand on your opwn two feet.

very best wishes

I have been following this thread and my heart goes out to you.

Please think of this ONE THING if you need clarity on the CM circumstance. You said that your DH talked to her about your finding the messages and then she brought it up with you later. This was after he became so angry with you upon finding them. Really think this through here: why would he ever need to contact her again, if not to warn her. If his priority was you, he would want to prove his innocence (after calming down)...but YOU would be who he would want to talk to. An innocent man wouldn't dare have an exchange with that number again...but that is exactly what he did. You seem to have accepted this situation as if you are grasping for anyone to tell it's okay. Take another look.

I also realize that your mind is swirling (been there before)! Maybe it would help to think of what you would like your life (and the children's) to be like in 5 years, 10 years...and then come back to this current situation. Is there really room for a guy that acts this selfish? He has already done a number on your confidence, what about the kids?

I hope you're doing ok LoW?

great post ToughDaddy. I think a useful one as well - to have a male perspective on this situation.

my brain won't let me think about it anymore... dunno if that makes sense... think my head needs a break from it. Planning a trip away for the weekend, just camping but ... time to talk I guess. Seems to have blown over for him though, everything normal.

.... until the next time

Thanks TotalChaos.

I think we should focus on LOW's independence and the other necessary medium term solutions. Leaving quickly may work for her but may not. Her DH is entirely in control and will not respect her as things stand anyway.

LOW- hope that I don't sound unsupportive but whether or not he is after CM, is a side issue compared to the apparently unhealthy state of the relationship. You need to start acting confident, looking after yourself etc. Your DH will find you more attractive and I think you may find him less attractive as you recover. Either way, best wishes and good idea to take some time out.

LOW i respect your decision, even if i disagree with it. Just promise that you will continue to post for support?

New to rel/ship board, was just on here looking for any similar situations for some advice on how to help a friend trapped in a bad marriage, and came across this.

LOW - I have to echo what other people are saying. If you can't/won't leave him, then you NEED to work on making small improvements to your life that will make you happier and more confident. Baby steps, yes, but consistent baby steps. Definitely follow through this horse-course but perhaps most importantly, try to reach out to people for some human contact. I'm like you in that I'm very shy and as I work from home I'd just sit there all day if I could, but in this situation it's really not good for you. Call a friend to come round for a coffee - it's free and you don't have to drive. Sod the builders if they're in the way. If there's nobody you can call to come round, then you need to begin to find people. It's painful when you're depressed, but I know from experience this is the way you make a life. Please, please do this, if not for yourself then for your DCs, they deserve and need a happier mum!!

And I know it doesn't help and it won't make you able to change the situation you're trapped in with your H, but honestly, you need to hear that he's a c-u-n-t. Or at the very best, he may not BE one, but is behaving like one. Don't blame yourself for someone else's character flaws. Just work on yourself for now. Lots of love.

I will definatly do as you all say - I don't know at what point I give 100% to the relationship though, if I am staying with a view to leave at any time. But I will. I have my card and I'll keep it. I'll start putting money away also, but I am telling DH about it. And why. If he kicks up a fuss/takes it then I know that's not right. I would be very suprised if he did though. But I will explain he has left me without money in the past and I want my safety net. There is salsa dancing in the next week or so, just have to pluck up the courage to go! I told him I definatly wanted to do the course in Sept also (had discussed it abit before but just as a "oh look what course there is").

Oh do go to Salsa!

Dancing saved my life a couple of years ago.

It's a brilliant way of lifting depression....social, exercise, cheap, welcoming.

Also....take this in the way it is meant ...(and from an old cynic)....don't feel you have to tell your H everything you are thinking. It may come back to bite you later. If you are saving a little bit of money just keep that to yourself. He doesn't have to know everything you think. You can keep your thoughts for your own self, as he seems to have removed all other areas of autonomy from your life.

Do you know every thought that passes through his head?

But please go to salsa!!!!

xxxxx

Second everything gettingagrip says! Please please go to salsa, it will be such fun and will take you out of your head for a while.

Even more important, I agree that you shouldn't be reporting to your H that you're saving a little money. There doesn't seem to be any need for this. I have one abusive rel/ship in my life (my mother) and I can easily slip into the trap of giving her far too much information about things that are really not anything to do with her. People like this can sometimes store up these pieces of info and use them to wound when it suits them. You're not lying to him by not telling him. I know it may feel as though it's giving you some power to tell him "Ha! Look at what I am doing!" but I would worry that it could backfire.

But keep saving anyway!! It's good to have that little safety net. xx

Dh does not need to know you have a savings fund for potentially leaving.. tell him it is beacuse yu have been left penniless by him previously

i hope taking these small steps to making yourself feel better and more positive will help you take a different view of your future

best of luck

Given everything that has happened, I don't think that it is unfair for you to save an emergency fund. And telling him is a very bad idea given the recent past as described above. Hope, that I don;t sound harsh but you seem to WANT to rely on him 100pc when infact your thread has highlighted some risk factors. Best to be on the safe side for the sake of your DC.

Enjoy the dancing.