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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

342 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:18

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 26/06/2009 15:02

Im also sorry to say that your DHs reaction is suspicious. How dare he say he will take the children away ON WHAT GROUNDS!

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:02

I really think it is her - I did think he could just say 'the number' was hers (he sent a contact card, but they are easily made in seconds) but coupled with the fact I am really sure it was her voice, and the times of other texts I pretty much know he had sent...

If she was texting him and a conversation got going I would be fine... but to delete them all , 'forget' what they were about and not tell me that the CM had been texting him all day (!) innocent or not is getting to me. I just think if given the chance he may have done something... he was obviously flattered with all the attention from an attractive woman. Well, any woman!

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:04

He is taking them away because I have depression (spite really). Bad spell a few years back, not 100% now but he likes to play the "you're mad" card

OP posts:
CarGirl · 26/06/2009 15:05

could they have sh*g buddies and now she is off the scene?

Lulumama · 26/06/2009 15:08

ok, LoW

what do you want?

to make a go of things?

divorce?

what??

you need to take back some power and control over this, you don't have to just take it

you know he can't take your children, you know it !

start taking steps to get out of this relationship so you can be free of him and be happier, you are so young, do you want this for the next 50 years??

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 26/06/2009 15:09

Your DH needs a slap! He sounds like a complete cunt - im sorry but this makes me so . Depression is NOT grounds for you to lose custody of your children. I suffer with depression too, and i have worried about this, my counsellor put me straight. If he plays the "your mad" card, then do you really want to be with him - its probably him who is driving you mad! Are you getting help and support for your mental health?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:09

Lulu - yes, this is really the latest drama. It was solid for the past few years, we'd built up from all the crap that was before and what not but it has just flown out the window the past few days.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 26/06/2009 15:10

thing is, this is a cycle, isn;t it?

he is a bastard, treats you like shit, then all is ok for a while, then it starts again

it is not healthy for you or the children.

you can break it, you are a birght, capable young woman and you can do it!

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 26/06/2009 15:11

Just looked at your profile, your children look lovely and so do you - you deserve better than this!!

SueMunch · 26/06/2009 15:15

Sorry, but there is no way that he is not up to something.

Okay, it may be banter at this stage but he has to come clean about it

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:19

I don't know what I want... I get very upset over it all, and think it would be easier (about past things really) to not be together but most of the time we really are fine. I was so shocked the other day when he was just so nasty... he talked about it last night and he says he has no idea where it came from, and really was sorry but now this texting thing has happened and he is defensive/angry again. His first reactions are to leave/threaten to leave/ be nasty when there is an arguement (rare), which I'd put down to immaturity in the past but 2 years on it's this again.

Based on the past few years, bar the past few days I'd want to stay together. When past memories flood back I just want to run, and when he is doing this now, again I want to run. I dunno if that's more because of him or the way I am.

Hell would freeze over before he has the DSs, depression is just an illness now to me. I get on best I can and cope with it as best I can.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 26/06/2009 15:21

Well, it's highly suspicious and the massively defensive reaction of your dh makes it even more suspicious.

He cannot "take the children away" and threats like this are designed to keep you in your place. I'm quite sure any mental health issues you have are massively exacerbated by this kind of emotional abuse.
It is emotional abuse, btw, and you can get help and advice. Have a chat with someone from Women's Aid who can give you all sorts of practical help and advice.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:28

I really don't know what to do. I am not blinded/manipulated (cannot think of a word to say what I mean!) when things are good. I am not living in cloud cuckoo land, they really are good. Not in a childish "oooh he loves me again" way, I mean we have a good solid relationship, we share the same goals/aspirations... we talk, we have a really normal life. Then I either think of the past and feel I cannot actually live with it and want to walk out, or it goes back to square one and I want to walk out. But then everyone argues? I for one am adult enough (I think!) to be able to work at a relationship instead of running away.... but then maybe because I am depressed I really cannot think straight for myself anymore. I would hate to waste more years on nothing, but I would also hate to walk out when it's 'just' an arguement because I am never going to meet a man who I am not going to argue with... I know if we split, calmed down, straight away we would laugh and say how silly we were being. We haven't grown apart or whatever... right CM pulled up, I better go for abit

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:29

I think maybe I am forgetting what 'normal' is anymore... ?

OP posts:
blinks · 26/06/2009 15:30

oh god.

your reaction to this is what's worrying me most.

this is not right and you need to realise that.

ask your childminder if he is harassing her. that's your best case scenario.

Lulumama · 26/06/2009 15:30

but it's not just an argument

you are worried he is having an affair, or having some sort of inapporpriate friendship

his repsonse: to threaten to leave and take the children

that is not just an argument.

also, it takes two people to make a relationshop work. two people have to want it to work and make it happen.

it does not work when one person pleases themselves and treats the other so badly and threatens divorce at the first hint of a confrontation

mamas12 · 26/06/2009 15:32

It is so wearisome to hear that phrase 'i'll have the kids or you'll never have the kids you know your mad'
Lady do not nelieve a word he says anymore.
Get help and support because yeahbut is right you are being emotionally abused and you need WA at least or a friend or family member to support you.
I used to hear You'll never get the kids' a lot but my ex was like yours a bully with no back up.
Good luck I know you can find some strength somewhere to mak one phonecall to start rebuilding your confidence in yourself.

melmog · 26/06/2009 15:36

I think you know as well as we do that there is no excuse for 44 texts to the same person with no explanation. The odd one, fine. He is talking bollocks if he says he can't remember what they were talking about. They would have been texting all day.

If I were in your shoes, I would be sitting down and talking about this with a view to kicking him out. I've not seen any of your other threads but this is serious. Imo.

You deserve better than someone who threatens to take your babies.

blinks · 26/06/2009 15:36

you hit the nail on the head LOW.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:48

He text her about it - she just dropped DS off and said she was sorry about the texts, that he was helping her with her car, her H cheated on her and he is staying tonight as she is abit over the place about that, that she knows what it's like, that even just because of the employer/employee thing is enough for her not to do anything, that she will take my number if I prefer... This is what I didn't want to happen, she is obviously innocent in all this and has now been embarrassed. I told her it was just I didn't know who's number it was and then that he didn't know what they were about, and it's fine to text him etc., but obviously she probably feels she can't now I must have looked a right nutcase/paranoid person

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/06/2009 15:56

LOW glad you have spoken to her but are you absolutely sure she was telling the truth?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 15:58

Yeah, 100%. She is really nice, you can just tell. She obviously needed a person to talk to, she did nothing wrong. She said she thought I knew. I felt sorry for her.

OP posts:
Schoolgirl · 26/06/2009 16:00

You don't look like a nutcase or paranoid at all Both of them acted inappropriately imo - after all, it wasn't just one day with 44 msgs. You said in your OP that some days it was a steady stream.

Hopefully you speaking to her nipped it in the bud but if I were you I would be keeping an eye on the situation. Sorry that you're going through this but good on you for confronting him straight away. Ignore his blustering and keep saying to yourself "He was in the wrong". Ask him what he would do if the situation were reversed - silly twunt!

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 16:02

NO idea what's happening now though. Last I heard from H he said he was filing for divorce and hung up.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 26/06/2009 16:05

your DH has been lying , at the least about his friendship with her

got all defensive, got angry, threatened divorce and has been acting really odd for a ocuple of days

maybe he has a crush on her

maybe it is just a friendship

maybe it is an affair

the key thing is his response to your questions