Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

does your DD know about the affair?

OW might be perfectly pleasant, witty and highly enjoyable company. Your DD might like her. Maybe even like her very much. I think you should make your peace with that.

She’s been nice to DD, that’s what DD means. I really wouldn’t say anything.

You are bitter, and I can’t blame you for it.
But your DD is stuck in the middle and is probably just trying to accept the new reality. She shouldn’t have said this to you but you won’t be doing her any favours by trying to put a wedge between her and the ow.
She’ll realise how awful they treated you eventually when she is older.

I couldn't hold my tongue in your situation tbh. I think you've summed it perfectly in your OP " A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person". Nothing wrong with telling her that.

will you tell her her dad isn’t a nice person too?

At 20 I probably wouldn’t volunteer it - she will already know that you loathe the OW, surely - but if she raises it or wants to talk about it in more depth, I wouldn’t be sugarcoating anything. The truth is available if she wants it, but I wouldn’t push it on her.

There is a difference between good and nice. Nice is surface level. She may appear nice but not be a good person. I would keep out of it and let your daughter make up her own mind.

Leave your daughter out of your mess.

I absolutely understand your feelings, but I would try my utmost not to say anything.

This woman will be heavily involved in any relationship DD has with her dad, and I wouldn't want to risk harming that.

Bloody difficult though! Bite your tongue around DD and vent your spleen privately to trusted friends.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, I’d feel hurt and angry too! but it’s a good thing your DD doesn’t mind his dads wife and thinks of her as ‘nice’ they will have to see each other and interact so it’s a good thing she’s not angry and has bad feeling towards her. They will be in each others lives they might as well be civil towards each other.

I can hear the pain in you post, I do understand how you feel and I completely understand why you feel so much hate and anger towards the OW.

By ‘she seems nice, your daughter likely means ‘she’s nice to me’. And to be honest, that’s what you want isn’t it? There is no point making their relationship difficult from the outset, there is nothing to be gained from it.

I think you shouldn't talk to your daughter about her at all; not a word. Your adult daughter can form her own opinions.

Say nothing. Retain your dignity

Be the adult and say nothing.

leave your dd out of it all and let her make her own mind up, no one forced your husband to cheat on you or leave you , he made those choice all by himself, he is to blame.

I am sorry your marraige broke down because of your husbands affair, but your daughter is a you grown woman, and if she wants to make an effort with this woman, and honestly that is up to her, you don't have to like it you can absolutely tell your own Dd that you are not interested in this woman and her dad's relationship as you have your own thoughts about her/them

I assume that she knows that her dad had an affair with this woman (if nothing else she must have done the math on timing)?

I totally understand why you feel like this, but please don't burden DD with it. Presumably she's feeling really weird about her dad marrying someone she has never met and she can't really talk to you properly about it. I'm not saying she should be able to but if you start wanging on about how horrendous this woman is she's not going to feel any better about it is she.

Does she have someone she can properly talk to? Do you?

Do axe throwing, plate smashing whatever you need to get your rage out. Your daughter will remember what you have said about the ow though.

OW clearly has a dark side too as having an affair behind your DH back does not constitute a trustworthy and decent person!

Your DD can have anybody she wants in her life. When she asks you why you're not friendly with your ex and OW then you can say that you don't have that kind of person in your life and list the reasons why. dishonesty, disrespectful, selfish, unfaithful, cheats, liars, no dignity, no integrity, no morals, etc etc........
And the reason your friends are your friends is because they show you respect and have all the behaviour that you want in a friend relationship.
And IME these traits normally show up in dishonest people over the years iand people begin to witness it for themselves.

Harsh

Say nothing. If your DD knows what happened and she wants to attend the wedding anyway, then I would keep my mouth shut. OW might be perfectly nice in other areas of her life. If you say anything, you will come across as bitter.

No you can't say anything! Your husband broke your wedding vows, not her. Your break up is on him.

I hated the OW who I blamed for me being left as a single parent of two under threes and no income. However, over the years she proved to be a tremendous support for my DCs and is actually a lovely, lovely woman. I was very wrong. Don't be me.

(The Ex was/is a dick. I chose the wrong man to have my children with. His redeeming feature was to give my DCs a wonderful stepmum).

It constitutes a very ordinary person, given the significant percentage of marriages which break down due to infidelity.

Besides, if the OP wants to stress the OW’s ‘dark side’, she’s going to be essentially telling her daughter that her father, who did exactly the same thing, is equally unacceptable. That’s not where I’d be going with this to an adult child, regardless of my own feelings.