Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

And did you say the same thing about your ex, your child's father, or was it just the OW you blamed for the affair?

Of course. He was the one who made the vows when we got married. However, married men can't have affairs with women who know they are married without their compliance! She definitely knew! We had met. DD knows full well what kind of man her Dad is without me telling her though. Not one who puts his children and their needs first, that's for sure. That's why she calls my husband Dad.

I wouldn’t say anything, i wouldn’t want my DD to feel bad for liking her, and then feel like she can’t talk about anything to do with her, what if DD comes back and says wedding was nice, OW was nice and then you say “well i don’t think anyone who cheats is nice” and thats it conversation over- she doesn’t want to say anymore for fear of offending you, as her mum it is your duty not to pile your crap onto your kids shoulders, keep your opinion of OW to yourself because it is YOUR opinion of her not DDs.

It is her duty to warn her DD if someone she hangs around with (in this case, who is potentially in a position of power over her) is known to be untrustworthy though.
Trying to ban an adult from seeing another adult (etc) isn't appropriate, but letting someone you care for sleepwalk into danger without even making a comment also isn't.

(and by 'danger' I don't mean that the OW will stab her, but she has already done actual harm to the DD both materially and in terms of household trauma so it is not just realistic but already proven that she is willing to do such things to her if she feels the whim).

The daughter knows about the affair.

Exactly what nefarious "things" do you think her father's new wife might do to the daughter if she "feels the whim"?

The daughter already knows all about the affair and what happened. She also knows about how her mother feels towards the OW.

It seems like the only reason she said about the OW seeming nice is because OP suggested she was expecting there to be conflict. It sounds like she was letting her mother know that she doesn’t want conflict, she just wants to get along with them both without any drama.

Don't be silly.

This is the post that you need to read and digest @cloudtreecarpet .

Your daughter needs to have at least a surface level relationship with this woman if she wants a relationship with her father. Your daughter likely also feels her own degree of betrayal over his affair and subsequent lessening in their relationship. Thinking of her as nice may be legitimate, but it may also be a coping mechanism.

If you become negative, then your daughter will learn not to mention this aspect of her life with you. Letting her share the good means she will feel safe bringing the bad to you as well. You can set a boundary and refuse to be her support system in her relationship with her father, but that isn’t a boundary you should set lightly.

No I don't need to read that because, unlike you it seems, I am not the kind of bitter person who would "warn" her adult daughter about a person who is being nice to her.

I would let her make up her own mind.

You have had people in the position of your daughter advise you that speaking badly about the OW isn't helpful but you just can't take that on board.
Good luck to you.

Reading the title I thought you were asking if you should tell your own daughter that she’s not nice.

Same (initially) 😂