Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

The OW has hurt you and broken up your family and her own, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person.

Actually I think cheating and hurting the people who love and trust you does mean you are a bad person.

As pp said best not to burden her with all that.

I would say to your Dd, well I don't think she's nice, so I think its best if we leave her out of any future conversations as honestly Id rather not hear it.

Don't put your emotions on to your daughter. She's perfectly within her rights to find any other human being "nice", despite how their actions have affected you.

Fully agree with this. Your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind, but also old enough to see it's not appropriate to fawn over OW with you!

no you don’t need to tell her. there are three hundred and a million miles between you thinking she isn’t a good person and you telling someone she isn’t a good person. you’d end up looking like the ‘not good person’ that’s just the rules. that’s too much trying to steer her inner world.

I would be very disappointed! I wouldn’t want to have any type of relationship with the woman that was involved in breaking up my family.
This woman is not to be trusted, she may seem nice but she is simply not! I would tell DD what I think.

It sounds like the daughter inserted herself with her tone deaf comment. I would raise an eye brow and/or say read the room or wrong audience.

Urgh he is disgusting your poor son having to hear that,

Trying to influence how the DD feels about the OW, that is what. The DD does not need to become a victim of her mother's hurt, and anger. It will not benefit the DD to live with anger, and resentment towards her father, or the OW.

OP, wouldn't it be better for your daughter to actually get on with her new stepmother? Why do you want to poison their relationship before it even starts?
I think it's best if they're just left to get to know each other naturally, and then your daughter can make up her own mind. You might consider this woman "not nice", but she might be absolutely lovely - who knows?

I agree with this

This really.
She's not to be trusted, your daughter deserves a heads up.

Yes. She’s 20. He doesn’t get to lie to her and he can’t make you cover his back.

Just remember, she is going to be the wife soon so there will be a vacancy for OW.
She will know exactly how deceitful he is to his wife when he’s chasing someone new.

Just be straight. 'You say she's nice, and I hope she is kind to you, but think about how I feel. She actively pursued a married man and helped break up our family. That's not very nice is it?'

Yeah, I would think that at 20 the dd would have enough social awareness to know that her k wouldn't really be interested in hearing how 'nice' this woman is. Op, personally I would say kindly but firmly to your dd that you're pleased she still has a relationship with her father but that you would prefer not to hear the details of either of them. Your dd is an adult and should understand this perfectly well.

I’m sorry for all your hurt but I don’t think being bitter and bad mouthing anyone is a good look or healthy.

Sometimes people just fall in love with other people.

I would let your daughter make up her own mind and don’t let this affect your relationship. Just move on.

The daughter has to face being in the middle of this very difficult situation at weddings, at big events, at graduations and so on. It's likely she will want to maintain a relationship with her dad (and by extension this other woman) and her mum. She is speaking to her mum honestly and about a stressful situation coming up.

I think people on here are so weird, the dd doesn't have to watch her tone or massage her own feelings to her own mum! She's not her friend cheering her on from the sideline saying how awful the dad is because she's related to the dad herself and it's very difficult being related to someone who is 'bad' in that sense.

I would hate it if my children couldn't speak to me in this pretty normal frank manner, I might say, I don't like her myself but it's good she's nice to you (in a non sarcastic tone) but ultimately it's up to the parents to manage their own emotions, not expect their children to be expert diplomats about their parent's breakup.

Sounds like your DH is an absolute bellend and she has got used to seeing the world as someone with an inappropriate bellend for a father, so her idea of what's nice and what isn't is going to be different from other people's. Ask me how much it cost for me to work that one out in therapy.

Don't complicate things further for her. Illustrate how you are moving on independently from your mistake of a marriage.

Just move on Op - your daughter can and will have relationships with people of whom you do not approve. It's her life to do this.

Your daughter has no choice but to try her best to get on with this person even if she doesn't like her if she wants to have a relationship with her father. I think it's okay for her to know that it's hard for you to feel that because of the impact of his and her behaviour on you (and maybe that you don't want to hear too much about them). I wouldn't go into the details, or expect your daughter to feel the same - as long as she doesn't expect you to be involved. If she were younger and this person was going to be a stepmother it would be different.

be careful. there is a very big difference between being a caring daughter and being your mother's counsellor and confidante - especially when it comes to issues relating to her relationship witj your father

She knows the full story and I'm sure she knows your very understandable feelings about it. From her perspective, the best thing is for the "adults" around her to stay civil, be nice to her and not try to manipulate her feelings about it.

You could try to persuade her that she's wrong to like her father's new wife but that won't have any benefits for her and will only cause her trouble. Don't make her choose between her parents and don't make her pick a side in a conflict that she clearly does not want to be involved in.

This, but it must be so hard for you, because the core of this woman is very ugly indeed.

If your DD is bright and emotionally intelligent, she’ll know exactly what she’s made of.

As a parent, you shouldn't have to tell your twenty-year-old adult child that you don't want to hear her praising the woman that your husband screwed while he was still with you. That's basic common sense, and common courtesy, and she should be aware of that.

But if she wants to be so frank, she should expect her mum to be equally frank.

She doesn't need to be an expert diplomat, cheer her mum on, or say how awful her dad is - she just needs to understand that maybe the wronged person is not the one to talk to about how nice one of the people who wronged them is.