Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

'DF, I have a different experience of OW, where she was able to lie and cheat and put herself before her own children. I'm sure she has many nice qualities but I can't overlook her values when I think about her. It is possible to be nice and friendly AND be dishonest and untrustworthy. You'll need to form your own opinion over time but in life in general, surround yourself with people with good values. Where they can seem kind and also act kindly. That's what I want for you.'

Op I'd just highlight the difference between how OP presents and how she has behaved. I wouldnt try to influence her too much, just share your perspective and let her think about. You've done well to hold your tongue so far

So not helpful to the DD in any way.

She's 20, she knows already some people in life can be crap, she's been through secondary school education fgs!

This "life lesson" would just make the OP's anger & bitterness towards the OW clear and make the DD feel guilty for liking her.

The OP just needs to keep her counsel. The DD's experience of the OW will be different to her mum's, of course it will, and that is ok.
It's's clearly better for the DD to get on with this new woman who is now in her dad's life without feeling conflicted & guilty about it.

I'll tell her I don't think it's very nice to cheat on your husband/wife.
Because this is what I think.
And DD knows this.
if she knows already it you don’t need to tell her. I don’t think this is kind to dd at all. What’s she meant to do, she’s got to go to these people’s wedding and spend a few days in a foreign country with them and this woman’s family. it’s easier for her if she thinks they’re nice enough and she isn’t worried about your opinions on the matter. She hasn’t asked your opinion, don’t give it. you can always discuss it afterwards even, but now isn’t the time.

I also don’t think you should say this from the quoted post. She didn’t break up two marriages. She broke up one. We also don’t know what condition it was in already, perhaps it was already a mess. She played a small role in breaking up a second, at best. Xh is the one that broke up the second. He could have said ‘no thanks’ and blocked her. He made his own choices. Don’t teach dd to blame women for men’s choices.

Don’t teach dd to blame women for men’s choices.

Indeed. Or that she's not fully responsible for her own commitment if she should get married herself. I don't get the "50%" blame stuff. If getting married doesn't make you any more responsible for it than a random stranger, then where's the commitment? It doesn't mean anything!

My DD said the same about the OW in my case. I simply said "Nice people do not have affairs with married men and break up families. She may be nice to you and I'm pleased about that. Take that but don't forget who she really is."

She is now also nice to our grandchildren some 20+ years on but doesn't see them much!

What difference did it make?

And did you say the same thing about your ex, your child's father, or was it just the OW you blamed for the affair?

This
Be kind always to those who have kicked you and repeatedly betrayed you. Why. Call them out on their shitty behaviour

She's 20 she should already know. If she doesn't, it wouldn't do her any harm to know that he isn't. I technically cheated on my ex because he was abusing me horrifically and I met someone else before I was able to escape him. Very much hold my hands up to say cheating is wrong no matter what and 2 wrongs don't make a right. However, I don't think cheating on someone necessarily makes a whole person just not a nice person forever more. They did a shitty thing but we all do shitty things.
So it wouldn't matter if her mum told her he's not a nice person. She would make up her own mind based on all the other things he's done. Not just that one thing.

Yes, absolutely, the OP can be angry towards her DH & the OW & not forgive them for what they did - but it doesn't mean the DD has to be the same.

And that's what is being discussed here, the DD & her ongoing relationship with her father & his new partner.

I would not say anything personally. Your DD doesn’t need to know about grown up stuff like this. I would feel the same in your position however if OW is truly a horrible person, your DD will see it for herself.

I'd say to DD nice words are easy to say we can all be charming when we want to be but always remember a person by their actions ..let's face it those actions are poor. I think she will do the same to hubby in the future so watch this space.
For you im glad life is better you have so much to look forward too free as a bird to do whatever you like x

I think the crux of it all is that you think telling your 20 year old DD that OW 'is not nice' is going to achieve anything at all. She is 20. She's going to full well know that you are just trying to prevent her from developing a relationship with this woman that you hate (and fair enough that you do, I would too). That's going to make her feel like she has to hide any relationship she does develop with OW from you, which is most likely what she will do. Just stay out of anything to do with her/OW/EH. You cannot control this or stage manage it, as much as you might really want to. And maybe you are right and she's an evil person. If she is, your DD will figure that out in due course.

So if your ex had not done all of the above, would you still be together?. He was perfectly capable of making his own decisions . He sounds like a first class ahold. You should be thanking this woman for taking him off your hands. But for some reason you cannot let it go. You keep mentioning how she told him to do this, encouraged him to do that. He seems a perfectly big enough jerk to make his own decisions. I would be extremely grateful to her.

'I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.'
There you go. Don't bother. She's not a child. She can make her own mind up. Plus your ex husband is just as bad and he's her dad.

I did find it painful, but knew I had to do what's best for DD. None of this was her fault at the end of the day.

Pefectly understadable to feel bitter in the circumstances.
Personally, I'd say my piece (I'd have to to get it off my chest) but would say that their relationship is separate and that as long as OW is good to my DD then it's up to DD how she feels moving forwards.

oh yes! A gentle conversation about how married people should not be flirting and entering into other relationships would be beneficial to your daughter. Ask her how she'd feel in your situation? She is definitely a nice person and nor is he.

Beneficial how exactly?

At 20 do you not think the DD knows that flirting when married and engaging in unfaithful behaviour isn't acceptable in a marriage or long term relationship?

She also knows her father & the OW did this but, through no fault of her own, she now has to spend time with them both if she wants to continue to have a relationship with her father.
She doesn't need to be asked "how would you feel?" by her mum. It won't help.

Honestly, the number of people on here who thinks it's right for a parent to offload their bitterness on to their child is astounding!

Yes, the OP is within her rights to feel angry and bitter.
That doesn't give her the right to make her daughter feel the same way.