Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

Of course you can’t say anything. Your DD is an adult and she can make her own mind up.

I’m not sure what that has to do with my comment. Did you quote the wrong person?

In fairness, we don't know this at all. We don't know the OP didn't ask her how the call went/how she felt about meeting OW etc, which would not be an unusual thing for someone in OPs position to have done.
Of the people in this sorry scenario who anger could justifiably be directed at, the DD of a cheating father is not one of them. She is also a victim of her father, now trying to navigate a difficult situation.

You said it yourself, your husband is to blame for what happened. A little bit of solidarity with this woman for the sake of your daughter who has poor male role models in her life wouldn't go amiss. You will all need each other when he inevitably does the same to her down the line.

Tell your daughter that “she’s not nice”? You sound like you want to talk to a small child.

Bad mouthing this woman to your daughter will do you no favours. Keep your dignity intact and your mouth shut.

No.

If you want to shut down conversation with your 20 year old, tell them what to think and feel. Say 'she's not nice, she broke up our family, I don't want to hear about how nice she is'. Your daughter will then know not to mention anything to do with her dad's new wife or the wedding again.

It is often the case that mums end up sucking up some things for the sake of their children. This can include them telling you things, and you nodding. At another time, you can mention it upsets you if it does, but know that this will shut down lines of communication.

My mum never said a bad word about my dad, never tried to shape my feelings about him or the OW. I see what he is.

Yes, that would indeed be the point. To not hear her chatting about how lovely the OW is for no reason. It's not telling her what to think or feel, it's reminding her that you have feelings too.

A 20 year old is not a child anymore - she should be able to understand that she can go to her mum with any worries she may have, and tell her mum about any logistics of weddings etc, but that her mum won't want to hear idle chatter about the OW being nice. That's what her friends are for.

Honestly, I'm surprised that at 20, she doesn't know that.

I hear you and feel for you. I had something similar many years back where my daughter (same sort of age) told me that actually the OW was really great and started to see her often, it was all very lovey dovey and it hurt me a lot.

I kept my mouth firmly shut, the OW had a couple of kids with my EXH and my 3 children (apart from one) all loved being around this new family etc etc.

Fast forward to 5 years ago when the EX and OW split up, the happy blended family have nothing to do with each other and you can't say the OW's name in front of my daughter!

It's really hard but please try to say nothing, and try not to resent your daughter as she's being almost groomed. She WILL see it clearly for herself as she grows.

Yes, DD is old enough to see the full picture, she is old enough to understand that there is more to a person than the choices they make in their love life. Your DD probably knows her better than you do and she had decided she is a nice person. There is no need for you to tell an adult what she should be thinking or feeling about a person.

Sometimes kids aren't very loyal to the aggrieved parent and tend to put their own interests first and I don't blame them. You're only young once and they have their whole lives to dwell on the heavy stuff.

No, you do not say anything. It is bad for your relationship with your DD to take a small comment like ‘she seems nice’ as if the DD has said ‘she is nice’ and turn it into a big long bitter lecture on your divorce from her dad for infidelity.

Besides you said life is better without your exDH so why the bitterness? If anything the woman did you a favour.

( I am going through a divorce now where my DH cheated on me. I understand the flood of bitterness and resentment over how a long marriage ended)

When it comes to DC, they are in a tough spot as they love both their mum and dad and it is not fair to dump all this on them every time a situation or innocent comment triggers those feelings.

I think I'd remind her that a person who is genuinely nice in one set of circumstances may not be at all nice in more challenging circumstances. And that you only know the strength of someone's character when you have seen how they react under pressure - everyone is lovely when it's easy to be. For now, she should welcome OW's niceness, but be aware that people are complex and it takes a long time to know them well.

You don’t need to tell your DD any new facts about what OW and your Ex did then.

You could simply say “Sorry but after what she and your dad did I don’t really want to hear about them anymore or how nice you think she is” and leave it there. She’ll learn to keep her opinions to herself! It’s not helpful to share with you.

This is also good - at the time just say “I don’t think I’m the right audience for that comment do you?!” And raise an eye brow. Good to tackle it with humour.

I have (kind of) been in this scenario and no, do not say anything.

I am quite a few years down the line now and actually, I really like my exH's girlfriend now that I have got to know her.

I could easily have said a lot of things initially but held me tongue around my children (teens at the time).

Human beings are very complex creatures. I am far enough away from this now, and have a great new partner of 6 years, and I can now say that with hindsight my exH was right to end our marriage.

I know how raw things feel initially but it really is best to let your child get to know her father's new partner on her own terms, without prejudice. She is old enough to understand and form her own opinions on the people and the situation; you need not tell her.

First of all I want to say your feelings are valid - I'd also be angry and upset.

As a few others have said, there's a difference between coming across as 'nice' and being a good person. Your daughter is saying she was nice/polite/friendly to her when she met her, that's all.

It is somewhat insensitive for your daughter to say that to you, but I assume she is dealing with all kinds of awkward feelings around her dad and going to his wedding and maybe it helps her deal with it if she feels like she gets on (surface level at least) with his new partner. Might be one of those times when you just have to suck it up.

If she keeps going on about how nice she is, then you might want to just mention that you're glad they're getting on but it's hard for you to hear about how lovely she is after everything that happened.

I would absolutely have the discussion. At 20 your daughter is old enough you can have that discussion woman to woman. I have had the same talk with friends of mine who have been the OW themselves. The discussion goes like...

What are the values you think are important? (ie: honesty, kindness, loyalty).

And being an OW means the OW doesn't share those values.

We tend not to be friends with people who don't share our values. Or trust that people who say they have (good) values really do if they behave in a way which is counter to those values.

Therefore, both the OW is not a 'good person' and ideally we wouldn't have a relationship with her, as we don't pursue friendship with bad people.

I have male friends who have left their wives for OW (no female friends the reverse - yet) and for each of them I don't have anything to do with the OW as I know we won't have anything in common.

Do you really think it's helpful to basically tell the daughter she shouldn't have any kind of relationship with her dad's new wife if she values honesty, loyalty etc?

So you don't want to have anything to do with their scummy amoral partners but you're totally fine being friends with the men who cheated on and left their wives?

All this will do is ensure that she no longer talks to you about stuff because you will use it to make out that she's on the side of the amoral, if not amoral herself, if she shows anything other than negativity towards her stepmother. It's also just really patronising.

She's 20 and she knows the full story. She can come to her own conclusions.

And why do you excuse the cheating men but vilify their new wives if you are so aligned with all that is honest and true?

Your DD’s an adult and you can address her accordingly. I would’ve scoffed and said “pity she wasn’t nicer when she decided to run off with a married man” and left it at that.

^^ this 100%
She’s entitled to her own opinions whether you agree with them or not.

I feel for you, of course. You’ve been through an incredibly difficult time.

But, you can’t take someone who doesn’t want to go.
Your ex-husband wasn’t a pebble on a beach, that the OW just picked up and took home.
Maybe she had to ‘encourage’ him, and maybe she didn’t. But he went willingly, at the end of the day.

Just me who thinks this is a ridiculous statement from @SillyPiccalilli ?

The OW has hurt you and broken up your family, and her own, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person.

What type of person is she then if she cheats on her husband and encourages a married man to cheat on his wife?