Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

5 minutes of friendliness is hardly seducing DD, melodrama doesn't help. People aren't HOOD or BAD. They do bad things, they make poor choices, sometimes they feel vindicated in their choices and have no regrets. But that doesn't mean they aren't good to other people, don't do good things, don't add value to the world.
This idea that anyone who ever strays in a relario8should be shunned from anyone who knows them is ridiculous

A complex one, like most people. Do you consider your ex to be 100% bad? Have you told the kids that every time he's nice to them or has ever done anything nice it was all a lie because he is only BAD? That he'll never love them or do anything good for them because he is only capable of bring a BAD PERSON?

Well, most obviously, while she cheated on her own husband, it was your husband who cheated on you. Your husband also cheated and encouraged her to cheat so let's not make out that she's worse than he is.

You are totally entitled to hate her for the rest of your days (although it was your husband who cheated on you) but your daughter isn't part of this quarrel and it doesn't mean she has to. People don't have to be defined in all areas, by all people they ever meet, by the worst thing they ever did - and without excusing this, not all affairs are the same and there can be context.

To you, understandably, she's awful (but again, your husband...) but it's not reasonable to expect everyone else in the world to carry your grievance. Presumably your daughter thinks her dad isn't a thoroughly bad person either.

And even if you're right and she is a completely irredeemably dreadful person... your daughter is still entitled to be wrong in her view of her. She doesn't have to think what you think.

Shagging someone four years younger than your son and being upset that your son finds it weird.

There are lines I would not cross and that's because I have a DEEP respect for my children....

Sorry. Wrong thread.

100% this. If you do anything to colour your DD's view of the OW you are putting emotional pressure on her, whether you recognise that or not. Take the high road and let your daughter make her own decisions in life. It's interfering at the very least and potentially poisonous - don't poison the well you have to drink from, you don't want to taint the relationship with your daughter. Please give your daughter some credit for making her own decisions in life. And it does come across as bitter, because if you didn't care at all then you wouldn't say anything at all.

Yes I think I would say, she is not a nice person to get involved with a married man.

People generally aren’t all good or all bad. So I couldn’t say what sort of person she is based on that. I completely understand your need to think she’s vile, but that’s not necessarily going to be an opinion your daughter shares.

I understand that you will always have issues with the OW, that her actions towards you are horrible, but that doesn't mean she is completely a bad person. Your DD may well be thinking optimistically when referring to her as that too. The OW is becoming part of her family, even though they live in different countries, so she perhaps wants to think positively about the future, rather than dwell on the negatives.

My Dad had an affair and left my mum for another lady, who was also married at the time. They have never admitted it, but we know it happened. It was a while before I met and got to know her. We are now over 20 years down the road, they got married etc. She is a nice person, great with the grandkids etc.

Yes, my dad and her did a bad thing, they shouldn't have done it, there were many better ways around being together than what they did. My mum will probably never be fully over it, and we will continue to support her the best we can. It did damage my relationship with my dad and I will never forget what they did. But it doesn't mean that for the rest of their lives they are bad people.

No, don't say anything. Your DD has a relationship with her father separate from yours and this woman is in his life now so if she can tolerate her then that's good for her.
She knows the story, but she has to find her own way with her father and the woman who will be her stepmother.

You don't need to actively encourage her but do not make it harder for her than it already is.

A 20yo may be legally an adult, but she has very little life experience, and her late teens will have been married by the divorce. She's still trying to launch herself on the world, and navigating new family relationships.

It would be horrifically unfair to push your feelings about this onto her.

Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things.

My husbands stepmother is an insufferable harpy!

My MIL has never once bad mouthed her despite the many things she has done to upset the entire family! It has got to the point where FILs family invite MIL to functions over their own son/brother.

I respect MIL for it. SMIL has done all the work for her! Your DD will discover her flaws herself!

My FIL and SMIL also moved to the other side of the world for a few years and I wish they had stayed there!

@Weeeheee I feel for you but don't say anything to your DD. You won't come across well and/or it will be used against you.

Just be pleasant about it. As long as OW is pleasant to DD just leave it (while silently screaming inside) - kids are very smart. I am sure your DD is clever. She will get the measure of OW (whatever that is) eventually. Let it take it's course though, don't try to interfere.

Scream here instead.

I do really understand how you feel but do not say anything to your DD. Nothing good will come of it.

DD was talking about how her and DS were likely going to be when navigating the airport together next month for the first time alone as adults.

We were laughing about how their personality traits would come out. DD then moved the conversation onto looking forward to meeting OW, as she seemed nice because of x,y and z.

I said something to the effect of "as long as you make it over there if the airport is going to be the clash of personalities we discussed"

We kept talking and OW wasn't mentioned again.

I think I'll take the route some PPs suggested that if DD mentions OW again being nice, I'll tell her I don't think it's very nice to cheat on your husband/wife.

Because this is what I think.

And DD knows this.

DD is old enough to continue the conversation with me if she chooses to. And old enough to bite her tongue if she doesn't want to either.

Agreed that someone isn't all good or all bad.

If you can hurt people you love and lie to their face repeatedly, then there is a core of horridness running through you to be such a deceiver.

They might make you a cup of tea unexpectedly. And lie to you with their next breath.

Not all bad.

I want to know which thread this should have been on now! I'm invested!

To what end? So that she feels guilty if she ends up enjoying her company? So that she feels stressed every time she needs to decide who to invite to a future event because you've made it clear that you expect her loyalty?

Obviously cheating isn't nice. But the only reasons I can think of for bringing this up with your daughter are selfish.

"I think I'll take the route some PPs suggested that if DD mentions OW again being nice, I'll tell her I don't think it's very nice to cheat on your husband/wife.
Because this is what I think."

I am really sorry @Weeeheee but I really don't think this is right or a good idea.

You are entitled to your feelings (and I understand them, fully).

However, you are expressing them to an inappropriate audience - it is not fair to say this to your DD. What exactly do you expect her to do or say? She will placate you, of course, but why would you put that on her? She didn't choose any of this.

Please - try to find another place, another space, another way to vent your feelings but leave your DD out of this. She is not the right person to share your opinions with in this way. She is already trying to navigate a new reality - that due to no fault of her own - means she is having to split loyalties. Don't make it harder for her.

Find another outlet for your (valid) feelings.

@Weeeheee my mother and step constantly bitching about my father's lives did nothing for my relationship with them. I'm 66 now and mother's 99. I still can't bring muself to buy her a birthday card with "Best Mum Ever" on it.

She has reaped what she sowed and so will you if you persist with this.

I don’t understand how your dd is ok with this? If my father had acted this way I’d have never spoken to him for a long time and if certainly never want to meet the ow

Ugh, that's hard OP, sympathies.
On one hand I'd not want my daughter to have anything to do with the OW. Reality though is if she wants to see her dad, OW will be there too. On some level I'd rather the OW was actually nice to my child, making an effort.

However, I think if she then came home, singing her praises or talks about the OW a lot in the future I'd tell her some of what you wrote here. It's one thing them having their own relationship, it's quite another for you to have to listen to have fab she is. I couldn't stomach it.

Id be slagging off the OW to the skies. I wouldnt tolerate any mention of her in my house.

Agree, I think the best response, if any, to a mention of the OW should just be to say you would really rather she wasn't talked about in your presence. Which given the hurt you obviously (and understandably) still feel regarding the horrible situation you went through, is a reasonable request.

How do you not find that painful?