Dumped by text completely out of the blue

[CatzAndDogs]

Been seeing partner for 8 months and everything has been great. We've got on so well, shared sense of humour, loved doing the same things, happy when we're home together or going out exploring, passionate sex life, and he has been completely consistent , safe, secure, kind and no red flags. Or were there? I don't know what to think anymore because on the Monday morning after we'd spent a great weekend together (we don't live together) he sent me a text at 7am saying 'Hi [my name,] I'm breaking up with you. I remember you saying if it came to this you wanted me to do it by text so that's why I'm sending you this message.' (I never said that) Then he proceeded to reel off a very well presented but impersonal list of reasons which basically weren't reasons, just saying he had been struggling for weeks a lot of soul searching, but he just didn't see a long term future for us. Now he won't reply to any texts. I can't process this. Nothing prepared me for it. We'd been talking about getting a house together some point in yhe future and he'd just invited me to meet all his family at a birthday party. He had sex with me the night before he dumped me and that makes me feel so so horrible. Am I overreacting? Is this just him being 'bad at break ups' as he said in his one text reply? I feel sick and can't understand how things changed so quickly and I don't know how to deal with this

That was really shitty of him. What a horrible shock for you.A text is bad enough, but not replying to your messages is cruel. But not much you can do. There’s no going back now, is there. X

That's horrible.

I’m so sorry. I know it’s often said on here but it sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape. Anyone who behaves like this has got serious issues and is very untrustworthy. He has been manipulative and awful.
Block his number and move on.

The fact you never said that (about sending you a text) is odd. Do you think he sent text to you by accident and it was really meant for someone else he’s been seeing? Maybe he was breaking up with them as he’s decided he wants to be with you… Now he’s panicking so that’s why he’s not replying? Possibly trying to think of a ‘genuine’ excuse…

Impersonal - probably AI? He's rude either way, which is a good reason to not waste any more of your time on him.

How was his last relationship, how did that end!

I'm sorry, OP. Anyone who's been on the receiving end of a sudden breakup knows it completely knocks your legs out from under you, and this sounds like a particularly extreme case.

I think the best advice in these circumstances is to find your anger. Don't waste time blaming yourself for not seeing it, or endlessly trying to come up with reasons. The fact is that he's just behaved dreadfully, and the sooner you allow yourself to really see and feel that, the sooner you'll be able to process, accept and start rebuilding.

Honestly, that pathetic, self-exculpatory nonsense about being "bad at breakups" would be the icing on my rage cake. How dare he give himself permission to duck out of basic consideration and decency for someone who's invested a lot of time with him?

Do you have people who will support you through it? Can you go and stay with someone just for a few days while you adjust?

Ugh, how shitty of him, I’m so sorry op. You have had a lucky escape by the sound of it, although it won’t feel like that for a while. He isn’t the man you thought. Be kind to yourself.

Now he won't reply to any texts

How many texts did you send? What are you hoping to achieve by texting him repeatedly?

He has dumped you. He is a cad for doing it the way he did - but surely you must have some idea of why?

Can you dust yourself off and invest in some TLC for yourself…

It sounds awful to me, but then a lot of dating things do now.Things that just didn't happen not that long ago seem to be common, and it's not good.

Same happened to me. It was awful. A year on, I can honestly say you've dodged a bullet. He's shown you who he is and what he is like. At the time loads of people said I'd meet someone better. I didn't believe them. But I did and I am happier now than I ever would have been with him.

But honestly,it is a trauma. I didn't eat properly for weeks, it broke my sleep. I only carried on because I have kids and a responsible job.

You will get through this. Take good care of yourself.

First of all, stop texting him! You're really going to regret it later on if you've been bombarding him with increasingly desperate texts.

I think he's shown you exactly what he is, and at some point in the future you are going to see that and be thankful for your escape. For now, try to be extremely kind to yourself. Block and delete him from your phone and all social media apps and don't be tempted to stalk him to see what he's up to.

I've always thought that Monica's approach to breaking up with Richard in Friends was the best. She never allowed herself to think about him.

I'm sorry for how awful you must be feeling right now. It will pass, but it won't be so great while it does. I hope you have good friends and family you can lean on for support.

Somehow I have the feeling he's done this before, OP.

I've been quite restrained, thankfully. Sent him two long msgs saying I understood he was ending this and i didn't want to change his mind (he made it very clear in his text that he wasn't open for debate) but that i wanted him to know how badly he'd hurt me. I was a bit angry but not aggressive. Because it's not the breaking up, I've been dumped before, I know it's right for a person to leave if they're not happy, but it was the sudden blow, the ai-drafted text, the brutal way he went through how he was going to return all my things and the tickets he'd bought me for my birthday, he changed overnight from a person I loved to someone else.

The night before, I sent him a goodnight text like normal. He replied later with hearts and kisses, telling me he was getting up early to take the dog out and he loved me. After I got his break up text literally 8 hours later, I noticed he'd deleted his hearts and kisses text. Why??? All I have is whys and it's killing me. I'm not texting him but it's taking all my energy not to.

How did you ever trust anyone again? My previous relationship before him was traumatic, manipulative and he lied to my face repeatedly. With this guy, I was relaxing into a relationship where none of that was happening, I could feel safe, be myself, not second guess and be happy. After time with him I felt calm again. I let my guard down and was completely blindsided.

It's not just missing him, and I miss him do much, it's that he's taken a loving relationship from me and given me certainty that I will never be able to trust my perception, never be able to let my guard down, and therefore never be able to have a relationship because without me being able to trust, it would not be fair on the other person. Besides, I obviously have no idea how to choose a decent person

I did wonder. But he seems like the least likely guy to do this. Quiet, kind, very self deprecating and with a kind of oh I'm just muddling through life kind of vibe. Just very consistent and always demonstrating how decent he was (how he was nothing like my ex, he wouldnever try and control me like he did, how i was way too good for him). Of course, he's had time after his divorce to do this before

Very cruel after 8 months!

Horrible way to treat someone.

It’s a deeply strange, cowardly and cruel thing to do.

Totally understandable that you feel completely blindsided, shocked, heartbroken, angry and any other emotion that’s coming up!

I think in these situations - where someone behaves in such an unexpectedly shitty way - you could drive yourself mad with wondering why it happened. Were there signs you missed? Is there a big part of the picture you don’t have? Does he have mental health issues / a secret wife / a terrible illness? Is he a serial future-faking shitbag? Blah blah blah.

Honestly, though, I don’t think you will ever get the answers you want and (and I know it doesn’t feel like it now)…they don’t matter.

You behaved like a decent, open-hearted person. He has truly shown you who he really is, which is quite the opposite.

I would be tempted to send him one brief, final message along the lines of: Having reflected on your message further, please return my stuff to X by X date and do not ever contact me again.

Then block. Delete. Scrub every trace of him from your life. And then allow yourself a fixed period (a weekend? A week?) to cry, rage and tell your friends, then make the conscious decision to erase him. And repeat this mantra: It was HIM, not me.

Some people are just snakes. It is not a reflection on you. It really isn’t.

The 'you said to break up by text' sounds to me like a tactic he's read about somewhere, or possibly had suggested to him by AI, as a way to justify the shitty thing he's done. Most people would question themselves ('maybe I did say that, I don't remember'). So he didn't even have the gumption to be honest in breaking up. What's frustrating is you may never know what is really behind this but while 8 months isn't super short, at least it's not a longer relationship or where you've moved in. Fill your time with things to distract and occupy you for now. You'll get through this 💐

The fact that things seemed to be going so well, he wanted you to meet his family etc, and then this out of the blue makes me wonder if there’s someone else in the background, or an old flame suddenly reappeared into his life.

Gently op, there's somebody else.

You pick yourself up, you dust yourself down and you start all over again.
It's Saturday, you are footloose and fancy free. Go and treat yourself (boots/handbag/coat - all three if you can afford it). Nice bottle of wine and a box of chocs and watch a favourite film.
Tomorrow get outside.

This is most likely
or he does this a lot and gets some kick out of love bombing then pulling the rug
either way it’s an awful thing to do
telling you he’s dumping you over text as that’s your preference when you never said get is really weird
he’s probably got a template 🙄

He said he would return the tickets he’d bought you for your birthday? He’s taking back a present he already gave you? How petty of him.

This is awful op, I’m so sorry.
I think there must be more to it. Eg he has a long term gf who is working abroad who is about to come back, or someone has got back in touch with him. It really really hurts and he has been a coward but you don’t want someone who has this in him long term. Be thankful you’re not pregnant (like I was when I experienced similar!)

Why can’t people just be bloody honest
if an old flame has come back or he’s met someone else , I’d rather just know!
you’re gonna think he’s a twat either way so why they can’t just tell the truth is beyond me
people have told me I’m better off not knowing what my ex was up to behind my back but I’d rather know every gory detail than just having to guess and go over everything repeatedly almost driving me insane
its so cruel