Dumped by text completely out of the blue

[CatzAndDogs]

Been seeing partner for 8 months and everything has been great. We've got on so well, shared sense of humour, loved doing the same things, happy when we're home together or going out exploring, passionate sex life, and he has been completely consistent , safe, secure, kind and no red flags. Or were there? I don't know what to think anymore because on the Monday morning after we'd spent a great weekend together (we don't live together) he sent me a text at 7am saying 'Hi [my name,] I'm breaking up with you. I remember you saying if it came to this you wanted me to do it by text so that's why I'm sending you this message.' (I never said that) Then he proceeded to reel off a very well presented but impersonal list of reasons which basically weren't reasons, just saying he had been struggling for weeks a lot of soul searching, but he just didn't see a long term future for us. Now he won't reply to any texts. I can't process this. Nothing prepared me for it. We'd been talking about getting a house together some point in yhe future and he'd just invited me to meet all his family at a birthday party. He had sex with me the night before he dumped me and that makes me feel so so horrible. Am I overreacting? Is this just him being 'bad at break ups' as he said in his one text reply? I feel sick and can't understand how things changed so quickly and I don't know how to deal with this

There will be someone else. Lucky escape there OP.

It seems like you didn't really know him at all.His flowerly language and 'reassurance' sound dodgy as hell.

He probably was very taken with you but if he has a DD with another woman and she wants him back, there's a strong persuasion factor there to 'do it for our child and let's have another' etc kind of crap.

I'd go for a man without kids the next time. Why have the extra baggage? there are loads of ones without that sort of attachment. Why make life complicated.

Find someone who is truly free. Dust yourself down and do a little research on how to ask questions and have difficult conversations to understand what a man truly wants so you can protect yourself a bit better next time, it might help and I hope it does. That's not to say he didn't completely string you along and treat you very very badly. It's something developing a sixth sense to sniff out the bullshitters... we all have to try and develop it though it's not easy, there are so many of them out there.

I suspect that there is a great deal that you don't know about this creep OP.
He sounds like a complete bullshitter.
That text he sent you about the challenges with his ex is 🤮🤮 It's the sort of loathsome flowery language that "foreign" scammers use. Did you not find it very strange and off putting?
Please don't contact him again. Keep an eye on your bank accounts too.

I never met anyone, apart from his adult daughter from first marriage (he's been married twice) and that was because she was living on off at his house and I suppose i kind of had to meet her. Odd though, actually, she is the only person in his life who had no contact with his most recent ex and the only one I met. By chance once we met a cousin of his, she said, 'oh hello, [ex wife's name]' and he just said, oh, actually I split up with her ages ago. But he never actually introduced me! I said it was really awkward and he just went on about how it's normal and he bet I had cousins who didn't know I was divorced, which is probably true.
Basically my mind is now just on hyper drive trying to solve a mystery that I never will. All the advice to stop dwelling on it and try to move on is wise and definitely what I should be doing but it seems like I can't switch off my mind.

I smell a rat...

It's really strange but I obviously just read that message for the first time after months and now I see quite clearly that it sounds off and ick. But at the time I thought different, I was just happy he'd prioritised me and believed he was just being his usual nice self (believe me, there were many texts with similar language 😬)

It's really disgusting that he had sex with you the night before. My god what a MASSIVE arsehole🤬

This guy is very likely an emotionally chaotic, immature, deeply cowardly, narcissistic, selfish avoidant who can perform affection for a while but eventually reverts to type. He and his ex have had a volatile relationship, probably because he's an avoidant and she's trauma bonded to him. When you and he started talking about getting a house and he invited you to meet his family, the commitment freaked him out and he decided to ditch you and get back with his ex.

To be able to ditch you, he likely spent the preceding days or weeks building an internal case, where he dehumanised you and dissociated himself from his conscience. This is shown by the fact that his breakup text felt impersonal and he said "you wanted me to [breakup] by text" (which was bullshit). The latter is particularly revealing: he created from thin air an excuse for the horrific way he conducted the break up. He literally pretended to himself - because it assuaged his conscience - that YOU would prefer to be broken up this way. It shows what a screwy fuckwit this guy is.

He probably deleted the hearts and kisses text because seeing it again created cognitive dissonance in him.

I know you're hurting badly and feel like you can't trust yourself. But it's not your fault, because this guy is a lying screwball, and women aren't trained to detect these freaks.

If you look back, you will probably see clues that this guy wasn't safe:

A. "a few months into our relationship, he told me 'So .. I’ve had a couple of challenges with my ex - I’ll not bother you with all the details but it’s all resolved and she is clear that we are friends/co parents only"

"SHE is clear that we are friends/co parents only" = he wanted more.

B. "and I am all yours my darling. I truly value how honest and genuine you are my lovely and I am completely yours and just want you my love." Ardent avowals of love a few months in is often a sign of a lovebomber.

C. His story dissing his ex: her lying on the sofa ignoring him, them repeatedly breaking up and getting back together, her fleecing him. Knowing what you know now, do you think that was true? I rather feel sorry for her that this messed up fucker is back in her life.

You might find Burnt Haystack helpful: it shows how you can use rhetorical patterns to identify freaks like this creep. There's a lot of women there who have been burnt by men like this.

Please don't internalise this. How he behaved was ALL about him, not you.

What an absolute pig of a man. And a bloody coward. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sudden breakups are the worst, it's as if the other person has died.

From experience, unfortunately it's going to hurt for a long time, because you don't stop loving them. Block him on everything. Change your locks. Do whatever it takes to get through the next few weeks and ask your friends and family for support.

He’s been married twice which begs the question who did the leaving and why.

You are far better off without this man, I would have dumped him months ago when I received that. Obviously was still in a relationship. Horrible man.

Oh god, you look like his ex?

My money would be on he was never fully separated from his ex. Especially if you hadn’t met anybody she knows or speaks too. He probably went through a rough patch with her or they decided to have a ‘break’, then he met you, genuinely liked you, then he got in too deep and wasn’t brave enough to tackle it head on.

your mum is so right. I’ve noticed people who go on about any trait are usually the opposite. Do you remember Georgia off love island used to say “I’m so loyal” so often that it became her catchphrase. Then she proceeded to find a new guy as soon as she could showing she was in fact disloyal. I used to work with a woman who would bang on about how honest she was ALL THE TIME and she was the biggest LIAR I’ve ever met.

He’s already in a long term relationship and got caught out!!!
i concur with others. You’ve had a lucky escape, and there are good, kind men in this world and one is for you.

He has an on off relationship with his ex and after a few months said that he’d resolved something with his ex that they were just co parenting their child was him admitting he had been sleeping you both and she had ended things between them.
They’ve rekindled their relationship again.

This sounds exactly like a man I knew who turned out to be a relationship fraudster. Not for money, but he enjoyed getting women to fall for him and thinking they had some deep bond together. It was his way of controlling women. But that profile of him you describe, exactly the same.

I agree, I think the text was meant for someone else he’s been seeing and after such a good night he’s decided to dump them for you but has sent it to you by mistake. Now he can’t get out of it without confessing there was another woman

"Shared" anything is not a guarantee of a great relationship- values, humour etc. Oh, and he's met someone else.
Women: "I want someone with shared values"
Men: "I want someone fit/hot"

More likely he was trying to reconcile and she said no, so he spun it to try benefit himself.

He is a player @CatzAndDogs he was still involved with his wife and said as much to you a few months into your relationship. You were his back up plan if his wife didn’t take him back because he alway needs his ego boosted when they break up. He loves the highs and lows of their relationship because they both are unavailable, when one pushes the other one pulls away and they both avoid true intimacy. That’s why you weren’t introduced to his family or friends because he was waiting for the games to begin with his wife.
You need to heal from your last two partners because you’re very vulnerable and hurt. You need to pour all your love into yourself and heal.

Same thing happened to me years ago, right down to the having sex the night before. The guy went back to his ex. It’s horrible and a nasty way to behave but you can only control your behaviour.. Better to be single that with someone with no decency or integrity.

As horrible as it is now, it sounds like a lucky escape, try to forget and move on, find someone who appreciates you as you are

Even before your updates i immediately thought that he wasn't really single and free, he may have been on a break or living separate to his family for work, due to domestic disputes but not properly separated etc. And then something happened where your existence would become apparent and cause problems and he had to finish it quickly. And have no more contact, no evidence.... that's why it was so sudden and harsh.
Then when i read about the "challenges with ex" and his cousin thinking you were His ex-wife im convinced that's why. He couldn't bring you to the family occasion because his wife would see, but he couldn't not bring you because you would smell a rat. So he just strung you along enjoying the fun for as long as possible and then dumped you to keep himself safe from being exposed.

@CatzAndDogs

I hope that you are feeling a little brighter this morning, OP.

This week will be the beginning of a much better time for you.

He very clearly wasn't the decent man you had thought him to be, so being free of him and his shenanigans is going to be a bonus.

There is someone much nicer out there for you.

I'm not doing too great. Been trying to keep busy, met friends, kept up with life but as soon as I'm on my own my mind won't switch off him. I just wish I knew why, was it another woman, was it his ex...
And I'm worried it was because I didn't have anything financially to bring to the relationship. The only real thing he said about why he ended it was he didn't see a long term future with me. I know he was concerned we wouldn't be able to buy a house together that would be big enough for his and my kids, and if I had a decent job or assets I would have been able to contribute and that reason wouldn't be a factor.
I feel worthless, like I haven't achieved anything in my life and I shouldn't be looking for another relationship until I've sorted out my financial position. To be clear, I have never looked for a man to support or provide for me. I support myself and my kids on my own and I have done for years. I talked about this with him and he said he knew that, and he never made me feel bad about not being able to afford a house, but I feel if I had something to offer he would have stayed.