Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

You need to separate the pregnancy and relationship.
Do you want a baby? Is termination something you would consider? If the pregnancy didn't happen would you still consider a relationship with him?

Congratulations! He sounds lovely. Only you know when the right time to tell him is but it sounds like you might organically find your way back to each other… and if not, your trust that he’ll still be a good dad is wonderful. How lovely that your boys will have another sibling. What a nice story! Congrats ❤️

Tricky one.
How old are you both?
Have you decided whether you’ll keep the pregnancy?
Did you use contraception?

Personally speaking I’d terminate and not tell anyone, but that’s just me.
A baby shouldn’t be the catalyst to a reunion IMO. Not to say you can’t start dating him again if you want to, but I wouldn’t bring a baby into that experiment.

You need to decide if you want another baby and if that’s the right decision for the children you already have. Then decide if you want to be with him. Your hormones will be going wild but you have to be logical.

You need to split these out as you’re thinking of this baby as getting back with him, having another baby will likely mean a single parent to 3, do you want that?

Im 36 and he’s 37. I honestly havent decided anything yet, I only found out yesterday and my heads all over the place. We didnt use anything no, which was stupid of us really considering neither of us was planning this.

I wouldnt say id never consider a termination but I dont know if thats what I want and I dont think I can make that decision just because it might complicate things with him. I do know a baby shouldnt be a reason to get back together though.

If I wasnt pregnant would I consider it? honestly I dont know. Before any of this happened I wouldve said no because we were just friends but now im questioning things I probably wouldnt have thought about otherwise. I think I need to speak to him before I can even begin to work out what any of this means.

What do you want to do about the pregnancy?

I think you need to decide what you want before you tell him.

How will your 17 yo react? Sounds like they’ve been through a tough time with your latest ex.

It wouldn’t be a great dynamic if you went ahead and your middle child was the one who had a different dad.

How will your children react to this , especially your 3 Yr old . How awkward will this make the family dynamics as both of their siblings will be full blood related and have their dad in their lives . It's worth considering ..will this change anything.
You need to think this through clearly either way.

Firstly, you need to decide if you want to continue with the pregnancy. How would another sibling impact the two children that you already have? The practical side of having another child...mainly financial, bedroom space, the impact of maternity leave from work, would your ex be there to support you with a newborn?

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, then you need to tell your ex. You're not going to know how he's going to react or what support he will be prepared to give you, until you've told him.

If you decide not to continue with the pregnancy, then you need to perhaps consider if telling you ex would be beneficial to you.

Put aside the possibility of a relationship with your ex, for the moment. It may be something that comes out in conversation, once he's aware of the pregnancy. I will say to you though, if you both decide to give your relationship another go, make sure whatever split you up in the first place, is resolved first. If it isn't, then it's likely to rear it's head again.

I would imagine your eldest child might feel very conflicted about this

First at 19
second at 34
lots of drama and abuse on the way
and Now more drama on the horizon.
I know what I’d do on your shoes

Congratulations! I wouldn't tell him immediately because I always think about protecting people from unnecessary pain (sorry but things can go wrong) so I might wait a few months - can you use that time to see how you feel about him? As others said: try to separate your feelings towards the pregnancy from him. Good luck!

Like, I mean, is he available?

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would just tell him, sooner rather than later, and take it from there. Stop overthinking it.

It's not very nice for the baby if it later feels the eldest was a relationship and the other a ons.

What is his situation? is he single? does he have other children?

He’s been an amazing dad to our eldest and is involved with my youngest too even tho he’s not his dad. I think im just in shock tbh and I genuinely dont know how he’s going to react to me telling him.

When I was with my youngest’s dad things got really bad and I dont think I would’ve managed to leave when I did without my ex’s support. He let me and both boys stay at his for a bit when things were at their worst and helped me get sorted again. He never made me feel like a burden which meant a lot at the time.

Thats partly why im so scared of messing things up between us. He’s not just someone I used to be with, he’s been there for me and the boys through some really awful stuff. I dont want him to think im expecting anything from him just because im pregnant, but equally I cant pretend this hasnt happened. I need to tell him really, im just trying to get my head round it first.

Tbf I think its worse for the middle child who's nothing to this man but will have to grow up watching him be a dad to the oldest and the baby

These boys have been through so so much.

They need stability. Calm. To settle.

Not this

Are you financially secure?

@Weirdin You were happy to het pregnant by him, so why now consider not keeping the baby?

I think you should tell him that you’re pregnant and take it from there.

Personally I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy. Seems a bit reckless. Were you even using contraception or did you take the morning after pill? Surely you both know how babies are made by now.

A new baby will not change the reasons which lead you to break up in the first place. So if you do continue the pregnancy, be fully prepared to be a single mum of 3. I feel sorry for the 3 year old who has a shit dad tbh. What happens when your oldest and youngest (if you do continue), go to their dads for the weekend and the other doesn’t? Sometimes prioritising your existing children is the kindest thing to do OP.

He sounds like he’s your best friend, and that he’d support you in whatever decision you make. But he may have views on this and may surprise you.
Tell him as soon as you can and take things a step at a time.