Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

Good luck xxx
I was in this situation a few years ago. I decided to have a termination as I was already a single mother to my other kids. But equally you can make it work if that is what you decide.
Hope everything goes well for you. Life is complicated but it works out in the end <3

I think that's an exaggeration. I don't know any 'blended families'.

Ha- but the pregnancy was created with less thought than shopping for a pint of milk!

He’s an adult- he knows what might happen when two people have unprotected sex!

This is his decision too- tell him and talk it through.

You had unprotected sex.

then

After the unprotected sex you didn't go and get the morning after pill.

So did some part of you want a baby?!

You've already started again with parenting a baby when your eldest was a teen. I did this and it was a real shock to the system, not sure if you found the same. It felt very different to parenting as an energetic early 20s mum. And my eldest got a LOT less of me when much younger sibling came along.

Your ex has done 50/50 parenting, supported his child almost to adulthood AND been there for you too supporting you leaving an abusive relationship and hasn't chosen to have any other children. Has he ever spoken to you about whether he wants more kids or not?

Lots of tough questions to ask yourself and him I guess. :-/
Personally I know I'd not want more kids so I'd have been off for the morning after pill the very next day.

Sorry there is only one responsible choice here

Think about the children you already have, and how this will impact them. You seem wholly focused on you and your ex-partner. You need to consider your kids.

I don’t really understand why you’re talking about getting back together with him when it doesn’t sound like that’s been on the cards. You’re a single mother, you shagged an ex that’s it. Coparenting well with an ex a completely different ball game to actually working in a relationship.

If there’s anything less likely then you getting back together as things are it would be getting back together with another baby.

So I think you need to get your head out of the clouds and face the reality that if you keep it you will be a single parent to 3 children. Can you cope with that?

Hey, there are far worse situations to find yourself pregnant in.
hes a good guy
he’s a good dad
he is a safe person
you’re not too young or too old to be having another baby
your kids will be have a sibling with no additional parent thrown in, he’s already in the mix
you clearly have some feeling for each other

while I don’t think anyone should blindly go into a pregnancy I do think you’re tripping yourself up by trying to have answers for everything that you couldn’t possibly know yet. Speak with the dad but be honest about where you’re at and be sure that you both have enough space to work through your feelings about each other and the baby. You’ve got a few options haven’t you, keep the baby and parent together as a couple, keep baby and parent separately like you do with eldest already, keep baby and see how things go with a very slow suck it and see approach to a relationship with you guys or of course terminate, tbh I feel from your posts you’re not keen to terminate and I’d have a really hard look at this but, the danger is shame could influence you into not having this baby because of the circumstances around the conception- it’s so important that this is your decision whatever happens with the dad, it’s absolutely not anyone else’s business apart from you two

All you should think about at this point is whether you can manage another child, and what’s best for your existing children. A new baby puts strain on a relationship so no guarantee it would work again with him but it’s good you have a good friendship so it sounds like you’d be unlikely to be totally on your own with the new baby.
i think -
decide whether YOU want a 3rd and if you have the space, time, money, capacity and if a sibling would benefit your 3yo.

if you’re undecided and feel like it depends a bit how he feels about it, then talk to him about it.

Has he got other children to other partners?

Helpful insight. Rather than passing judgement on OP situation you could offer some advice?

I think this is a sign. Some things happen for a reason OP.

Yes, the reason was no condom was used or no MAP taken.

You surely don't mean it's a 'sign' they will get back together?

I hope OP finds the right solution for herself and her family.

I would terminate. Sorry.

So from his point of view he has loved and supported an (almost) adult child through childhood and adolescence, and the end is in practically sight, a young man is on the cusp of going into the world, choosing a career, living independently, forming their own relationships, possibly meeting a life partner all the things you hope will happen for your late teen child. He has stepped up to the plate with your eldest, and rightly so, and by MN paternal parenting standards he has earned his wings.

But now you are asking him to start again, from zero, to commit to another 17/18/19 years of parenting,this time to a child he did not agree to father, the result of essentially a drunken one night stand.

I think you are seriously risking the good relationship your ex has maintained with both your children. I think many men would feel that what you would expect him to do, ie to maintain the current relationships AND add in another couple of decades of parenting is just too much.

An unexpected baby can be a joyous thing, but in your situation I think you are risking the happiness and security of your other children and need to consider their needs first.

Why say sorry?

If that’s what you would do or think is the best outcome for the Op, that’s what you think.

Wow, some quite judgmental comments there. Yes maybe she should have been more careful but she’s a Mum and an adult and she is already aware of that and the knock on effects to all concerned, but she’s is also a human people!
I agree with others that YOU need to decide what you want first and foremost as it is YOU and the kids lives that will be impacted most. The fact that the Dad is not a stranger is a good thing in the respect of the children and as you say he is a dad to both already. Yes the situation would change and be different but that doesn’t mean it would be a bad different.
If you decide you don’t want to keep the baby the decision then is do you tell him. As you know, only you can decide on that but irrespective of whether you want to try again with him or keep things as they are, there is clearly a love and respect on both sides and to maintain that, there needs to be honesty.
If you are genuinely undecided then again you probably need his input as he may surprise you with his response and alleviate any doubts and concerns or confirm them!
Either way, I hope you are ok and I am certain that he probably gets more from the relationship he has with you and the kids than you realise and it’s a two way thing.
You’re lucky to have each other and no matter what decision is made I hope you never lose that. X

I think you need to decide whether you can have another baby in your current set up - single mum of 3.

Even if you long term try with your ex I don't think pregnancy or newborn period is a good time to take on a relationship. I would wait (with him still involved just as a friend) until baby is 1 and then explore things if you still want to. If he is open to it, you will naturally get closer over this time.

I’ve only read your posts Op, so sorry if I’m repeating others. It reads like you want to rekindle your relationship and that’s the reason you’d consider keeping the baby.

Try to separate the two things: would you want a baby if he didn’t want a relationship? Would you want a relationship with him if you weren’t pregnant?

You’re sort of saying you wouldn’t have considered a relationship but now you’re pregnant you’re considering it - but the getting pregnant bit means that you were already having not “just friends” feelings about each other. You’re not sure where that would have gone, but now found you’re pregnant. Maybe you two have grown as people since splitting and could make it work this time around, but that’s totally separate from the pregnancy.

And I’m sorry but you said you know how babies are made, so why are you saying you didn’t think it would happen from “only once”? How many times did you think were required?

@viques but that’s all guesswork. Even if it is the case, Op could lose the pregnancy, her ex could get a terminal illness or find the love of his life or literally anything.
Op should decide how she feels about being pregnant. Then let her ex know and see how he feels. And then make a decision.

Sorry but you seem really irresponsible. You’re not 16, what are you doing having unprotected sex at your age. Then what if it doesn’t work out and you’ve got two young children and an older one who still needs you.

I think you should have a termination and stop acting as if life is something that just happens to you. You’ve made these decisions and have to start taking responsibility for them.

There's always one. . .

Just waiting for "a baby is always a blessing" and "you can always find room for another baby".

Preach

I don't see why she needs talk about it to her ex unless she decides to keep the baby. He should not be part of her choice to terminate. That's down to her. He may feel very conflicted.

I agree he's 50% responsible and presumably there was no discussion with her on whether she was taking the Pill. He took a risk but, unlike her, can walk way without worrying about terminating etc.

I think it's a huge issue with her other boys. The 17 year old is a teenager and would have to get his head round his mum and dad having has a ONS and another baby on the way - even when they may not get together as a couple again. It's not an example of good adult behaviour, is it?