Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

I still dont feel like I could have an abortion without him ever knowing. I know people disagree with that and ultimately its my decision but I dont think I could just carry on seeing him all the time and never tell him. It would feel like a massive secret between us and I dont know how id deal with that.

You should initiate a conversation now.

Call him, ask him round and say you need to talk to him, and discuss what happened (however many weeks ago that was.)

It will be interesting to see his face and what he says before you tell him you're pregnant. If he says 'Oh that was a mistake and I'm sorry, we went too far' - what will you say and do?

I'm concerned that you seem to be unable to imagine how this might upset your older son. Have you had sex or a relationship in the last 7 years that he knows about? Many boys that age cringe at the idea of their parents having sex!

You are potentially turning his life upside down. His dad is back on the scene after 7 years, there may be a baby in the household, or his dad may want nothing to do with it. All these outcomes are possible.

And you've not addressed really important issues like finances, if your home is big enough for 3 children, and how this will impact on your work (assuming you do work.)

Ask yourself if you were in a stable long term relationship (not with your ex but someone new) would you want a 3rd child now? How would it fit into your life?
Do you have family around to help with childcare?

It depends on whether you’re up to, emotionally and financially, supporting another child. Not really an ideal situation.

Why wouldn't her children be happy though? I don't understand why so many people are saying if she keeps the baby it will automatically adversely affect her son's. Her eldest is almost an adult and her younger one might actually enjoy having a sibling close in age .

You also need to be brutally honest with yourself.
It's 7 years since you split up.
Think about WHY.

Is he a changed man?
Are you a changed woman?

If you got on each other's nerves then and couldn't hack it, how do you imagine it would be this time with a baby, a teenager and a toddler?

If there has never been any hint of getting together again, it's not sensible to imagine an unplanned pregnancy is the answer.

Were you married, or living together for those 10 years?

Can you honestly not imagine why her son might not be happy?

I think you should tell him now, before getting your head around it because his reaction will help shape your decision. If you want to try to make a decision before telling him and he reacts opposite to what you've decided then that's going to do your head in. He sounds sensible and supportive, and it sounds like between you both you'll make the right decision. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, regardless whether you both decide to give your reationship another go, you might have to work hard to make sure your toddler doesn't later feel like the odd one out, so that needs serious consideration, but it's not impossible. Good luck, tell him, there's no easy way, just blurt it out and see. Also, when you tell him, be very aware of how his reaction immediately makes you feel deep inside because your inner reaction (to his reaction) will quietly be very telling.

I mean isn’t what every teen doing their a levels wants is a screaming baby?

Have you been a single parent to 3 kids? I haven’t - but I have parented 3 kids with a partner and I would not have wanted to do it alone.

He sounds sensible and supportive

Really? A man who buys wine, stays over, as it's not worth driving home, has unprotected sex and creates a pregnancy is sensible?

And who couldn't cope with the family he had in the first place- hence the split 7 years ago.

He is doing an apprenticeship. And babies don't scream all the time anyway. They are probably less disruptive to a household than a three year old.
She wouldn't be parenting three children alone. One is grown up, and spends half of his time at his dad's anyway and there is nothing to suggest that the baby wouldn't also spend a lot of his time at his Dad's.
I'm not saying OP should have the baby that's for her to decide but it's not a given that she will mess up her children's lives if she goes ahead with the pregnancy.

Just wanted to say that I had a terminate years ago and there's not a single day that goes past that I don't regret it! I was also forced into it by my ex and blackmailed from every conceivable direction until he wore me down. If you want to keep this pregnancy then please please please do not let anyone convince you otherwise. It must be your decision.
From what you've said OP, your ex does sound like a completely stand-up guy and will support you in whatever decision you feel is right.
He too had sex without protection and knows there's always a chance of pregnancy no matter how slim. He needs to take responsibility for his actions also.
My gut feeling is he will be shocked (just like you are now) but I'm sure he will be delighted to be a father again if thats what you both decide.

I think it will be helpful to have a conversation about what happened and what he thinks about it/you before you tell him about the pregnancy.

Two adults shocked that sexual intercourse can result in pregnancy?

He is not grown up. He's 17.
He is likely to be living at home till he is 25 or more unless his job pays enough for him to rent somewhere.

Imagine a screaming baby and being woken 3 times a night when you're 17 and trying to do an apprenticeship.

Can't see how the dad would look after a baby 50% of the time if he works.

Just arrange to talk in person then take it from there. Better to see his facial/body reaction as you known him for years plus yiu shouldnt have to go through it alone if he is open to being supportive in the past.

Your head is going to be all over the place and I agree he should be aware of the pregnancy out of respect to him. All the best x

There are some really odd folks om this thread.
@Weirdin , I hope you and your ex can have a reasonable conversation and you'll make the best decision for you and your children.

You clearly want the baby and this must be so confusing for you

I must say that him being flirty and having a drunken shag is a bit different from suddenly wanting to reunite and have a baby together so you may not get the positive reaction you're hoping for

Does it not take two people to make a baby, he was there too mak8ng that choice. It's a life that they both made.He needs to know about it, why is it just OPs responsibility?

I've never got that frame of mind of its only the women's responsibility or fault when it come to making unplanned babies.

As they have a good relationship this should be a conversation they have together to figure out what the future looks like moving forward, in an adult way.

She didn’t ask if people thought she should have an abortion. She asked, “Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?”

Saying that you’re in shock that you’re pregnant and you’re not quite sure how to feel about it isn’t an invitation for people to tell you to get an abortion.

OP I hope you both can sit and talk then you will feel comfortable enough to tell him. Once you've done that and you have sat with the news a little longer you should be able to come to a decision. Whatever you choose I hope its best for you and your family. Good luck and try not to over think before you have the conversation.

Yes, sensible and supportive. You are judging him on one night but over the years his actions seem sensible and supportive:

• He’s a brilliant dad.
• We still help each other out and speak most days.
• My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.
• When I was with my youngest’s dad things got really bad and I dont think I would’ve managed to leave when I did without my ex’s support. He let me and both boys stay at his for a bit when things were at their worst and helped me get sorted again. He never made me feel like a burden which meant a lot at the time.
• Thats partly why im so scared of messing things up between us. He’s not just someone I used to be with, he’s been there for me and the boys through some really awful stuff.
• He’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on.

And the split (Me and my eldest’s dad split during lockdown. Everything was stressful, we were arguing constantly and it just felt like we werent working as a couple anymore) doesn’t sound like either party was at fault. And lockdown broke a lot of people, and a lot of relationships.

Saying that you’re in shock that you’re pregnant and you’re not quite sure how to feel about it isn’t an invitation for people to tell you to get an abortion.

But starting your thread saying you are pregnant (by 'accident') and don't know what to do suggests you want advice which may include considering a termination.

@MyMauveCrab We can all read- no need for the massive c/p!

If he's so wonderful why did he not suggest getting back together years ago?

I still think he's been irresponsible and like all men, he is not the one left holding the baby.

We split during lockdown and honestly I think that had a lot to do with it. I was at home all the time with ds trying to homeschool him which was an absolute nightmare, and his dad was still going out to work because his job isnt something he can do from home. Then he’d come home and do all the fun stuff with ds and I know that sounds daft but after a while I got a bit resentful of it. Id spent all day trying to get ds to do schoolwork and dealing with everything else and then his dad would come in and theyd have a lovely time together. It wasnt really fair on him because he was working all day as well but thats how I felt at the time. We started arguing a lot and it just wasnt working. I dont think either of us was really at fault, it was the stress of everything and we couldn’t do anything else to get out of that situation because we couldn’t go anywhere

And I dont think its as simple as saying if we were going to get back together we would have done it by now. I was with my youngest’s dad and then I was parenting him alone when he was a young baby/toddler, which obviously took up a lot of my time and energy. He’s 3 now and in nursery so i have time to think about dating, not that I planned to because I didn’t want to date a random man again. My ex also had a relationship for about 2 years

We’ve always been close but I think the circumstances have changed and maybe we’ve changed a bit as people too. Im not saying that means we should get back together, just that I dont think you can say it would have happened already if it was ever going to.

Ds2's middle child syndrome could be made much worse by also being the only child with a different, absent dad. Ds1 might wonder why his parents are getting back together for the new baby when he wasn't worth them staying together for.

Obviously neither may feel like that, but it's worth considering how you'd support them if they struggled with the new family dynamic.

Massive c/p especially for you as you seem to have missed a massive part of their story so far and instead of looking at the bigger picture you're focusing on one evening. Of course it's irresponsible to have unprotected sex, but it's not solely his fault, it's fab to hear that you've never done anything irresponsible though, jolly good for you.