Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

I kind of like this story though…especially if it gives you a happy ending together. I do realise that is very naive of me though.

Speak to him about it, open and honestly. Make the decision once you’ve fully talked it through. You don’t know how he will feel about it, but the fact that you’ve been able to coparent together well should tell you he is a reasonable person and so are you, and you are both capable of having a conversation about this.

If you do decide you’re happy and want to have the baby, CONGRATULATIONS. If not then I’m sure it will be because you’ve made the right decision for you and your family 💐

I wasnt trying to get pregnant tho, we had a few drinks and slept together, it wasnt some planned thing. I know how babies are made obviously lol but I genuinely didnt think id end up pregnant from one time.

Im not saying im definitely not keeping it either, ive literally only just found out and im still in shock. Its a big decision and I dont want to make it based on how things might be with him or what anyone else thinks I should do. I need to work out how I feel about the pregnancy itself first, if that makes sense.

That makes total sense, work out how you feel about another baby.

I know people may feel that it'll be difficult for the middle child but I think it would be good if you and this man do get together, that he can act like a dad to your 3 year old too. Lots of children are raised by people who are not their biological parents, we have one son by adoption. It just depends if your ex is going to step up, or if you are actually going to be parenting the third one alone.

@Weirdin Genuinely confused? You didn't think you could get pregnant if you only had sex the once?
Guessing your periods are irregular which I do understand may make it a little trickier to know re fertility...

Separate the pregnancy from the relationship. You’ve been apart a long time and still in each others lives. If you wanted to be together you probably would have been by now. As for the pregnancy that’s for you to decide, but it sounds like a lot of instability for your children very soon after other traumatic experiences.

It's very telling that you didn't answer if he's available and your posts are about how to tell him, not if you're prepared to go for a 3rd child on your own

Hes single yes, no other dc apart from our ds. He lives alone and has ds 50% of the time so obviously hes used to having him there and doing all the dad stuff. The other half of the time hes on his own.

Hes not seeing anyone as far as I know and weve always been honest with each other about that sort of thing.

Do you want another child? Are you okay financially to keep the baby? You may just have to assume you need to bear most of the burden to see if you can manage having another child.

So what's the issue with telling him then?

Unless you feel strongly that you aren't keeping baby and it's not up for discussion, then he needs to be involved in decision making I guess.

Yes very naive
This is a mess

Thats the thing, there isnt an issue with telling him, I just genuinely dont know how to go about it. We havent even spoken about sleeping together, I sort of assumed we were both pretending it hadnt happened and carrying on as normal, which is obviously a bit ridiculous now.

I know I need to tell him and I will, im not trying to keep it from him or make the decision without him knowing. I just keep putting off actually having the conversation because I dont know what to say or how he’ll react.

Financially things arent brilliant but we’d manage somehow, I think I’d have to assume most of the day to day responsibility would fall on me unless we actually decided to try again. As for whether I want another baby, I honestly dont know yet. I wasnt expecting this at all and I need a bit of time to get my head round it before I can answer that properly.

Why did you two split up? A lot can change in 7 years (and has changed, by the sounds of it) but there must have been pretty solid reasons for splitting up when you had a child together?

I think you should consider your children very carefully, they have already experienced a lot of trauma from the abuse, and it could be very difficult for them to come to terms with a new sibling in the circumstances.

You were very young first time round so maybe it would work this time. But the most important thing is the two boys you already have, and any potential effect on them. Will it mess with your eldest head? How would your current youngest feel being the odd one out in the middle?

There is nothing in me that would have me want to go back to being a single parent at 36 (whether it’s with a good co parent or not) so my only advice would be to look at this long term. Babies don’t stay cute cuddle babies for too long.

You are going to do what's best for your current children yes? From here it feels like not going ahead with this pregnancy would be best for every.

Everyone