Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

I would have an abortion

All of this

He is an ex for a reason

Take off the rose painted glasses and look at this sensibly.

There's a reason you broke up and remained separated despite being friendly and single, and there's probably a reason deep down that you haven't spoken about having slept together.

I think this would be extremely confusing for your eldest and kindly, you may be looking through rose tinted glasses of this pregnancy

A baby is a risk Everytime two people get together. It’s not all on you and frankly it sounds like you are a good team to be honest…

head over heart though you need to separate the baby and the relationship first and decide if you want another baby…

All these ‘just have a termination’ posts like its just going to the shop for a pint of milk! Urgh

OP I think you know your ex is a good dad & sounds like a really decent person & so i would bite the bullet and chat to him. I’m pretty sure you can work it out together

He sounds lovely.

Nobody has said that. Most people have given considered responses with the existing children at the forefront, a few have said they would have an abortion in her situation. That's not the same as saying: Just have a termination.

This is very similar to what I need going to post.

Your children have already been through a lot of upheaval especially in the last few years and another sibling won't make their lives more stable. Stability is what they both need now and whilst it's a difficult decision you really should be prioritising their well-being..

You decided not to take the morning after pill, as in ... you had unprotected sex at a fertile period and then didn't take it. So I would guess your subconscious was hoping for this as a way to get back together.
I doubt that will work and it seems more likely to continue the pattern of life chaos for you and also your children.
Personally I wouldn't tell him as I would be considering an abortion. Either way perhaps you would benefit from counselling?

But maybe this new baby will bring stability.

It might be that OP and ex decide to give a relationship a shot and it is the happy ending.
If they've both grown and learnt over the time they've been split, what's to say they couldn't be a good couple together now?

OP:
Aside from the pregnancy, would you try again with him?
Could you see yourself in a relationship together?
I think the fact you have a foundation of mutual trust, respect and safety together is an ideal starting point for a healthy relationship, personally.

Sometimes things are meant to be...and maybe this is one of those times?

Indeed. I'm sure sometimes on here posters think other people's lives are actually a storyline in a TV show or movie.

In no way would another sibling bring stability.

I definitely wouldn’t keep the baby.

I would have a termination and then see how I feel about him in 6 months time.

Right now you’re hormonal and feeling all sorts and so I definitely wouldn’t be questioning a relationship right now.

You also had an abusive relationship and he helped you a lot - so of course you’re going to feel safe around him.

But the reality is is that you’ve been in each others lives for 17+ years and if you wanted to be together again before now then you would have been.

There was a reason you broke up and a reason you’ve not got back together since.
Don’t let a drunken shag cloud your judgement.

So you had a one night stand with him two or three weeks ago and nothing more has been said about it? You are not going to get together again.

I can't believe people are saying congratulations. The only sensible option is to have a termination, don't tell him and never speak of this again. And FFS use a condom next time you have sex.

I dont know why posters are offering congratulations!
It's an unplanned accidental pregnancy bringing potentially a very difficult life for OP , her ex and her two kids.

OP- imagine you never saw your ex again.

Can you afford another child?
How will that impact on your work?
How will it impact on your home- do you have space?

Then there is the impact on your older son.

I'd not tell your ex. YOU need to decide what is best for your family and yourself. Treat this as if you would be a single parent.

If you and your ex were going to reunite it would have happened years ago. so don't try to force that by bringing a baby into it.

This pregnancy s not going to be the glue that holds you together at last- that's a romantic dream.

He's made a life without you and he deserves to be free to meet someone new if he wants to. He's just 37. Many of my friends' sons are just getting married at that age and not even parents. Your ex doesn't need a 'fuck up' but then he was stupid not to wear a condom!

That's a level of "Eastenders" that I just wouldn't need in my life. Surely the sensible thing to do is not have this baby.

That was my first thought. The poor child is going to be messed up feeling like the mistake in the middle of the “proper” family.

ETA the existing kids should be the priority, not the OP’s feelings, which are ultimately the result of her own careless actions.

You need some counselling to start learning to make better decisions relationship wise and contraception wise, and generally take responsibility. Any woman who has left an abusive relationship needs counselling, it leaves you very vulnerable.
Focus on your existing children, they need stability.

It seems to be very common for children to be in blended families these days. No one bats an eyelid about it. DH and I are absolute freaks as we are a nuclear family with 4 DC together. It really is more unusual to be a nuclear family nowadays.

And I agree with this as well. Start taking control of your own life OP. You need to be avoiding pregnancy unless you're in a committed stable relationship especially for your existing DC. It's not fair on them otherwise.