Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

In your shoes i would be terminating but only you can decide what to do. You have a 17 that is going to be totally blindsided by his parents having a baby together after years apart. Remember that 17 year old had to live through your last abusive relationship, he has had to accept a sibling from that vile man. What on earth are you teaching that 17 year old about relationships?
Frankly it is a chaotic mess and you need to make the best decision for yourself, your 2 children and your ex.

I agree.

The people to protect here are her existing children.

They need to be put first and it's not about her and her 'wants'. It's about what is best for the two children she already has.

17 year olds are still very vulnerable , they need stability, not be caught up in some shit show over which they have no control.

Bizarre that anyone thinks the OP is “lucky” that the man she had sex with did not consider the possible consequences.

He sounds a really good man.
Yes, you need to talk to him. I wonder why you ever split up tbh ? As it sounds as though you are well suited. All long relationships have patches where you can feel less connected, or as though you are less “in love”, was this what you mean by not working as couple at the time ?
Talk to him, there is obviously still attraction between you, it sounds as though you could make it work if you both wanted to. In terms of the pregnancy that is your own decision to make. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

It takes two to get into this situation, and he sounds like a good man who you trust and who cares about you so why not tell him, see how he reacts and work out a plan together?

I've only read your posts OP but I'd tell him as soon as possible, that way he won't think you've waited on purpose until you're past the time of being able to terminate if that's a decision you end up making.

It sounds like you have a good friendship and hopefully any decision you make won't affect that, but Ultimately I think you'd both need to come to the same one for the friendship to really last.
He does sound like a good man, if he says it's your choice I'd think long and hard about that too as for me that's not the same as saying that he does want to father another DC, just that he's not forcing his opinion onto you to make a choice that you'd regret in the future.

You both decided to have sex without protection so there was a 50/50 chance that you'd get pregnant and I can't help but think your ex might also be wondering if you are or not.

I would think about how your youngest would feel with another sibling who has an amazing Dad to go to half the time while he has zero relationship with his.

i would think about the confusing message you are sending your oldest about your relationship with his Dad.

I would also consider why both of you thought unprotected sex wouldn’t lead to pregnancy when you already have an unplanned child?

If he only has your child 50% of the time how do you know he's definitely single, he could be dating someone or just loving the freedom of only having one almost adult child?

I'd be approaching this with much caution, the relationship probably works well how it is because he is a single man doing his own thing. This could change the whole dynamic of this perfect set up and you could end up with much less support than you have now.

Whatever decision you make I truly hope it doesn't have too much of an impact on your current dc's lives.

Hey

I found out I was pregnant in February this year, I told my closest friends and my work but that was it for 4 weeks. It played havoc on my mental health because I decided to hide it from my family, my partner who I already had a child with and everyone else.

i personally would change the way I did this as my partner was the supportive person I didn’t think he would be when I told him and I’m now laying in hospital a week away from giving birth to our second.

so for me I’d probably take a couple of days to yourself but at the same time I’d also just tell him so it’s not a weight on your own shoulders!

good luck and which ever way you decide to go I’m sure he will support you and the children you’ve already got.

Goodness you’ve been very irresponsible and uncaring towards your existing children in doing this, Especially if it will be financially stressful, and particularly for a very young child who’s been part of a family in which abuse occurred.

I’d work out what you want before speaking to him. The people you need to prioritise right aren’t him, or even you, but your children. You didn’t prioritise them when you got into this mess - start now,

Another baby to your 17 year old's dad, means less support, practical, emotionally and financially for him, as he becomes a young adult, from both of you. For your 3 year old, it means he's the half brother, out of your children. Plus a shared bedroom and as, said, less support. Most women on here who are having babies later, have money to support the child when they hit 60 (and want to start working less hours) or through menopause. Will that be your and the baby's father situation? Or even you having two teens to buy high school uniform for, hobbies to pay for and university looming? I'm considering going back to work, at 60 because I'd like to offer more financial support to my grandchildren. Think about that before you tell him. Being on a different page could end the friendship.

I fell pregnant taking it 12 hours after. If you have already ovulated it will not work.

Does anyone else find it really tone deaf on threads like these when people say "congratulations!"?
Not every child conceived is a reason to celebrate.

Isn't it a little late to be 'avoiding pregnancy'?

I dont think I could just terminate without telling him, that feels unfair and wrong tbh. I know its my body and ultimately my decision but he’s not some random man I had a one night stand with and will never see again. He’s my eldest’s dad and someone who’s been in both my childrens lives all these years.

I never really considered having another child because I didnt even want a relationship with some random man, if that makes sense. My youngest’s dad wasnt abusive until I was heavily pregnant. I genuinely didnt know what he was like until then. It was emotional and financial abuse mainly and I left when ds was still a baby. Looking back there were signs but I didnt recognise them at the time.

Me and my eldest’s dad split during lockdown. Everything was stressful, we were arguing constantly and it just felt like we werent working as a couple anymore. There wasnt some massive betrayal or anything, we just couldnt seem to get on. He’s always been involved with our ds and then with my youngest as well, which i’ve never expected of him.

My periods have been all over the place for ages and theres early menopause in my family so I genuinely thought I might be starting the peri menopause. Thats partly why pregnancy wasnt really on my mind. My period was late again the other day so I did a test, obviously I knew we’d slept together but I wasnt expecting it to actually be positive.

And honestly if I wasnt pregnant I think I would be considering whether I wanted to get back with him now. Before we slept together we were just friends, or at least thats what I thought we were. But that evening has changed something, regardless of whether I keep the baby or not. Yes we’d had drinks but we werent drunk and we both knew what we were doing.

Hmmm.
What she wants actually want does trump putting the kids first. Some women can’t just abort a child without that effecting them emotionally deeply so to even suggest or worse TELL someone to abort a child is staggering to read.
She got out the abusive relationship, many don’t so she’s done right by her kids not staying in that. That will not have been easy at all.
Aborting a baby is not an easy decision to make irrespective of how the baby came about.
A new sibling coming into the kids lives is in no way as traumatic as witnessing abuse so why it is being verbalised as such is baffling to me. Children in the Considered normal stabilised relationships can still react negatively to a new sibling, most get over it and that’s where good parenting, be it single or otherwise is needed.
Children of all ages and backgrounds need reassurance when life changes and to also know that life doesnt always go smoothly or as expected but not every change or unexpected event is the end of the world.
This situation doesn’t fit the ideal or norm but it doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t or won’t be a good thing for all, no matter what the relationship is between the parents.

The speculation here takes my breath away.

What speculation?

Sars74. Finally some sense and on a sensitive and supportive level.

I've been absolutely gobsmacked at the incredible number of people advising someone to have a termination. I've known people to waltz through this procedure, and also those who have found it horrendously difficult, no matter the circumstances. A bunch of MNers encouraging it is beyond me. It shows what a f**ked up world we live in.

My advice OP is to talk to your man, probably sooner rather than later. No matter the outcome, or what you decide to do, he has always had your back and he's not going to let you down now. Of course the onus is on you to make any final decisions, but let him help you in this.

You "had a few drinks and knew what you were doing". So guessing you used a condom?

If you knew what you were doing, did you not think you might be creating a new life?

It's a bit feeble to say your periods were irregular therefore you though XYZ.
You're an adult woman and know sex can create a baby.
And so does your ex.

I know this is harsh but it's the reality.

So let's look at what may happen when you tell him.

1. He's horrified, says the ONS was a mistake, and wants you to terminate.
2. He says it is 100% your choice and he won't give an opinion.
3. He has no desire to contribute financially or emotionally to another child.
4. He has a girlfriend you know nothing about and was planning a future with her.
5. He wants to be free to meet another woman and once his child is 18, he will not be contributing child maintenance and he wants a clean break from the financial commitment.
6. He's in love with you now and wants to start again and be together.

Which of the above are you hoping for?