How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

They had 5 children. That probably had a lot to do with it.

I don’t know how I would react. It would be devastating. Instinct says once potentially.
But I do know people who have put up with multiple infidelity ( men and women) and they’ve all been pretty together people. Horrible to imagine really.

I’m the same as you and just wouldn’t be able to get over it

Its one of those situations where you dont know till you are in it.

I suspected my ex had cheated on me multiple times but couldn’t prove anything, the day I had proof I asked him to move out and divorced as quickly I as I could.

That's true, I always say I'd never forgive and forget but I suppose you can always say something like that until it happens to you but I'm certain I couldn't forgive that many.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Definitely none - I would never set the bar that low personally.

None. When I was younger with dependent children, I might have persuaded myself I could live with it and it was best for everyone not to end the marriage, but it would have changed everything forever.

None.
The end
🗑

Zero

I wouldn’t forgive but I wouldn’t leave either, not at this stage of my life anyway with young kids at home. I would turn a blind eye to infidelity to ensure I am with them every day, unless I was guaranteed full custody.

Zero. End of.

None. Not ever.

I honestly don't think anyone can say for sure, until they're there. I would guess everything changes after one-you might not want to throw it away and ruin your family's lives, but the auto trust would have to go, and things that would have been fine, like working late, times out with friends would never go unchecked.

I would have said the same until it happened to me. You really can’t say what you would do with any conviction unless youve been there

I think it's very easy to say you would leave when it's just a hypothetical situation. I always always thought that I would be that person but when it's come to it I have stayed through at least 3 (non-physical) betrayals. Why? We have children together plus children from his previous relationship full time (they have no contact with their mum). Leaving would mean not only us breaking up, but separating our children who have grown up and spent their whole lives together. It would mean me not getting to see my children every day (and I think he would go for 50/50 which would break my heart). I have chosen to move past what he's done, as much as I am able to, so that our children can remain together and so I dont end up only seeing my own children part time. Our relationship will never be the same. Im not going to pretend it's somehow made us stronger, it hasn't. We are far less of a couple as a result and I will never feel fully trusting of him again. There are times when what he has done slips from my mind and genuinely doesn't feel like a bother or concern, but it comes back. It's shit.

It depends on the infidelity

An affair, with planning, lying, emotions. 0, none, nada. You are the weakest link, goodbye

A drunken one night stand after a Christmas do where it really wasn't the plan and you're horrified at what you did. You'd probably get one freebie. People fuck up, no one's perfect.

I always would have said none, then it happened and I was willing to forgive or at least try to as long as there was radical honesty. Then came the gaslighting and after a while I couldn’t take it anymore and left

Now? Not a chance, once is once too many but I have been the one who stayed, I gave them another chance but it was never going to work in hindsight. The trust was gone. It happened again and now the affair partner is welcome to them. I am not remotely interested in a relationship right now but when I am, my bar for respect is far higher.

@LadyValerie But could you "turn a blind eye" to the extent that your children would grow up to see happily married parents in all reality?
I left my ex-h when my boys were.just 3 and 6 (coercive control). I "lost" them for half of the time as my "punishment", but I had my freedom back again and the chance to rebuild and find happiness and respect.
My sons now also see what a healthy relationship looks like as I am now happily remarried (I never was before).

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots Never any excuse for infidelity. I would never cheat on my husband, no matter how drunk I was.

None.

And that's where we differ. I think absolutely anyone is capable of making an apocalyptically bad decision in a moment, and I wouldn't end my relationship over that. You would, and that's fine, we've all got different boundaries.

Any pre meditation though, and I'm out.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots We are all different, absolutely.
But ultimately I meant my wedding vows and wouldn't risk everything (including hurting my children) for an entirely selfish decision, whether it be spur of the moment or otherwise.
I hold my husband firmly to those exact same expectations.