How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

I do agree and it's why I always worked even though I could and still could be a SAHM if I wanted, with my husband's full support.

However, if you didn't do that, or you did but you're a low earner, or your kids had additional needs that meant you couldn't, or any number of other things... "you can always earn your own" isn't going to cut it.

Obviously, for you the priority was not staying with a cheater. You are happier for it. Lots of people feel the same, for very very obvious and understandable reasons, you don't need to justify it. But it's clear that not everyone feels the same, and I think it's a bit lazy to assume they all must just be lacking in self respect. Some people looked down the barrel of both lives and preferred the other one. As the PP said, they picked their poison as everyone must sometimes.

There was a thread the other day where a woman discovered her husband was cheating. People became so nasty over the fact that she was taking time to decide what to do (they have a toddler) and not immediately planning to throw him out forever that she ended up being hounded off the thread.

Stop talking about her and judging her behind her back. How you would react is completely irrelevant as this is her life and her sad and hard circumstances and choices. Sad that you make it fodder for speculation and some low key admiration of your own good self for what you would or would not tolerate. We are not all the same. Whether she’s a doormat, in denial or just a very pragmatic person is hard to tell, but it’s none of your business.

Well, you can make whatever decisions you so wish from a thread but I know that I never judge someone who is being cheated on. The cheater? Absolutely.

The relationship would be over likewise if I ever cheated I’d leave the relationship. It’s cruel and unfair.

Eh? Of course you do. Here's what you said yesterday about the idea of someone choosing to stay if the alternative was poverty and loneliness:

That is so very sad. I hope my dd18 doesn't have
that mentality (although I know she doesn't
because I have raised her to have a high level of
self respect).

You do know there is more to life than materialism and great sex?

So you think living in a gilded cage wouldn't be
any less stressful or miserable?

You can be judgemental of cheated on people who don't do what you want, and even accuse them of being sex driven and materialistic, but stop claiming that you aren't!

This is exactly what I was talking about. There's so much shaming of cheated on people who don't do what you want.

This

@illuminada Sort of like giving them a "Just cheat but only the once" pass then?

This is exactly how I feel, there many other behaviours that I would consider worse.

Im in my 60s and quite a few of my friends had flings back in the day (both parties). All these couples are still together 30 odd years later and seem to have happy marriages and have no regrets or recriminations.

No because the same applies to me. We have discussed this. People make mistakes.

@illuminada Oh OK. So each giving each other the pass to cheat once.

Zero.

I know a woman who was contacted by at least three women her partner had a relationship with contacted her, and only dumped him after a fourth ( at least ) contacted her. He must have been seeing more she never knew of. She only knew of the ones he'd pissed off enough to track her down.

She didn't believe the first, but did believe the subsequent but tried to believe his bollocks about it being ' just sex' until she had too much evidence that it was not just sex.

She wanted to trivialise it I guess, to keep the relationship going.

This.

Absolutely! Hasn’t happened in 46 yrs. You?

Only one, which I did many years ago. I only forgave it because it was a drunk one night stand that he confessed to straight away, I don’t think I could’ve forgiven an actual affair where he’d been lying to me repeatedly.

I posted about this recently. I had a short relationship with a guy I met out of the blue whilst staying with a friend. It was intense but light and fun at the same time but ended when he confessed he was already in a long term relationship and was considering what he should do, as meeting me had changed things so I finished it so he didn't have a choice to make. It was so upsetting on both sides and I've never really got over it, but I wasn't going to be the cause of upsetting another woman. I fell in love and so did he.

I wanted some reassurance that he wasn't a cheating arse which is why I posted. He's reasonably well known, I've seen his name on Mumsnet a few times, unless you're under 40 and though he's not in celebrity magazines or reality TV or similar I know they stayed together. I don't know if he ever told her about me but I'd have not been able to get over it and would have walked.

So my answer is zero.

Mumsnetters told me that he's a cheat anyway.

If you forgive one, your better off just turning a blind eye to the rest, in my opinion.

Some women just want to prove they've won, don't like being on their own, or put up with it for the kids.

@illuminada Absolutely not. I meant my wedding vows. No passes to cheat here on either side.

It depends! ex-H had an affair. I could have coped with a one night stand on some lads holiday, but he built a whole relationship (and therefore fed me months and months of lies) with another woman outside of our marriage. The long deception and willingness to put me so far down his list of priorities and care was more than I could come back from. I tried, but I just couldn't see past his deceit.

So my answer isn't none, but it would depend on whether it was a brief, stupid mistake or an investment of time, energy and deception. The former would require vast quantities of humble pie to be eaten and a huge apology and would definitely be a one-time only mistake that could be made, but I could forgive. An affair I have discovered is not recoverable for me. Both infidelities but different answers.