How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

Not one.

I'm not disagreeing with that. Has there been a misunderstanding? Earlier when you complained about people in "committed relationships" wanting sex with other people being cake eaters and were "shoulding" and "ffsing" about it, did you actually mean "monogamous relationships"? Open relationships can be committed too, they're just different terms of commitment.

How many infidelities would you forgive?
0

None. I respect myself too much to accept that and the trust would be gone. I’m financially independent and can run a house and look after my dc on my own.

@Gingerteabaghag I stayed but you don’t fully forgive and you certainly don’t forget. The question is: are you ok being alone? Would life be better with him or without him? What’s the money situation? There’s always a lot to think about. You can let them back but you don’t necessarily resume life as before.

Whilst it’s easy to say ‘none’, and I genuinely feel if my husband had an indiscretion that I couldn’t move past it, it’s not always that clear cut.

one of my friends got married and found out very quickly her husband was an absolutely prolific cheater. It took her years to build up the courage to leave him, as he’d bashed her confidence down so much over the length of their relationship. He was cheating in the open, with a work colleague, everyone knew and it was just awful to witness it. Everyone begged her to leave him and she couldn’t muster the courage. She did eventually and now has a new lovely husband and baby, but her confidence is shot to pieces and if it happened again, she’d probably be in the same cycle.

I agree, I really don't think she's over it at all and I believe his passing has opened up the wounds she probably had thought were healed (or she had compartmentalized hoping to have never look at again).

None, my self respect is too high. I will never put up with being deceived, even by my soulmate

Zero

None, you forgive them once and your pretty much letting them know they can get away with it again 🤷

I'd rather be alone than be with a cheater 🤷

This thread is depressing with the amount of ladies saying they'd forgive a affair ☹️ no wonder so many guys cheat if they know they'll get away with it

It happened to my sister he’d been unfaithful a few times and she found out about them . She was distraught but in the end they stayed together . She said it was was far harder staying and working through their marraige . They are still together and much happier now about 5 years later .

@Missey85 But they don’t know, do they? That’s the jeopardy and thrill for them. They like to think they have got away with it and they do, until
you find out. I did - after the 5th one and I worked out how to get into his emails. He thought I was a computer illiterate. So, Maisy-Daisy, I found out. I know where she lives. However what morals has she got to go after a married man? Which she 100% knew. I suspected another one earlier as well. Just wasn’t sure. He doesn’t know I have the home details of the last one and where she worked - just retired.

I decided I didn’t want him spending money on another home. I like having more money for me and it’s payback for the LV handbag he bought one of them. He does now know I’m not entirely clueless: any repeats and he’s gone. He doesn’t know I know where no 5 lives, but his stuff will be on her doorstep if he gets near her again. I know her name and Facebook page.

Zero. I’ve always struggled with the concept of monogamy but I wouldn’t break a commitment to fidelity if I’d made one. If I really didn’t think I could remain faithful I’d be asking myself what was missing in the relationship I was committed to. If it couldn’t be resolved. I’d end it. I’d expect the same … 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would not forgive. I would not forget. Whether I stayed with him or not would depend on how it would affect my children.

It would be zero for me. If you allow it once you are essentially saying this is something I will accept and stay for.
But I do think there probably are situations where you would let it go. Say if you were 80 and had been together 60 years and you find out that in that first year of being together your then bf had a ONS but since then you have had an entire life together. That sort of situation might be something you could let go of.

Zero.
i would never see them the same way and would never get over it.

Chores, childcare and managing a household were the least of my problems after I discovered the affair, how he'd invited affair partners to parties at our house as "colleagues from work" because he found it exciting (one refused, one agreed), how two work trips were actually holidays with an AP, how he'd lied about supposedly bitchy things I had done, how he'd sat next to the kids texting her (they read some of it). Sex became rougher against my wishes. He took us to a restaurant he'd been in with his AP, again as it was exciting for him. He had his phone out constantly beeping and buzzing when with me and accused me of being suspicious of an innocent man when I questioned it. He stopped being on my side, supporting people who criticised me. There were many other hurtful things. I fell into a deep depression and needed years of medication and counselling. An affair is not always restricted to him being spotted somewhere and everything else being normal.

One affair is not like the next. If it was just messaging, and my partner stayed kind and thoughtful and seemed truly regretful and apologetic, I'd have to think about it, as I really like the man and we are a good fit. I can imagine forgiving him once. I'm an atheist and have left one cheat, so it's not about Bible teachings, haha.

But it has never happened to you so you cannot answer the question with that perspective. I always said none until it actually happened to me.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times?? Sounds like you are judging to me but whatever 🤔

Firstly, how do you know that it hasn’t happened to me? And why would you automatically jump to the conclusion that I’m judging those who have been cheated on? In fact, I don’t judge the wife one little bit but I absolutely do judge the husband and I will happily stand by that. I judge anyone who actively sets out to deceive their partner for their own pleasure, pretending to be something they aren’t.

If others are able to find the strength to forgive deceptions within their relationships that’s fine especially if they are able to move on and are happy but I know myself well and as I have repeated several times in my replies, I know that I would never forgive my dh if he were to cheat on me because I don’t have the kind of brain that easily compartmentalises trauma like that, it would ruin me but you do you, if you are content with your choices in life then the very best luck to you.

@Gingerteabaghag You are saying “I know I would never forgive”‘implies you haven’t had to. You are rightly saying others have made choices, but staying “would ruin you” and your brain won’t put the trauma in a box. So it’s fairly clear this has not happened to you. If it has, be honest and say so.

My father screwed around on my mother during the entirety of their marriage, including with prostitutes and her best friend. I saw what that did to my mother.

When I was 30, several of my friends told me that they'd seen my boyfriend kissing and fondling another woman. I had to lie down because I felt so nauseated. From that moment on, I ghosted him. Every attempt to contact me was binned or deleted unread/unopened, and every attempt to get others to talk to me was implacably quashed. He never heard from me again.

If my H of 28 years would cheat, or if I found he'd cheated, I would initiate divorce the next day.

When you talked about open relationships yesterday and then went straight into complaining about people in "committed relationships" and how they shouldn't want sex with anyone else and were cake eaters and stuff, did you actually mean "monogamous relationships"? Please don't start going on about your right to hold your opinion and why cheating is wrong, that's not what I'm asking.