How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

None. When I found him cheating, I divorced him (25 years I wasted on the twat).

We are not aware of any addictions but who knows (dh was close to his cousin), he was a good dad to his kids and they all had a great relationship with him. He was very good looking and obviously loved the attention and took it that little bit too far!.

His wife hasn't cheated, she worshipped him and is very much struggling with his death.

She told us she took him back each time because she could never love anyone the way she loved him. I am angry he took advantage of that.

I totally disagree.

If you both enter a long term relationship and you are both expecting each other to be monogamous then infidelity is a major problem.

Open relationships are what you both need to agree too if one, or both of you want to have sex with someone else, if not it's utter betrayal.

Why even be in a committed relationship if you want sex with other people? It should not be a case of having your cake and eating it too ffs.

Why even be in a committed relationship if you want sex with other people? It should not be a case of having your cake and eating it too ffs.

Because not everyone needs full sexual exclusivity, even if you do.

If two people have agreed to this and it's all consensual and above board and they're happy, what's it got to do with you?

It's one thing to be angry at the idea of your supposedly monogamous partner cheating on you, but why are you getting angry about other people in different relationships with a different agreement that suits them? "Shoulding" and "ffsing" about it like it's anything to do with you?

Valid points.

I think its the dishonesty, lying, breaking of vows which would be a deal breaker for me. I am sexually open, if he came to me and said he wanted an open marriage I would listen with respect. I don't think that's a viable proposition when we are busy with raising a family but when the kids are all grown up, its something I could understand and maybe get behind if we were still getting on well with each other and wanted to stay married but had very different libidos for example. But something done behind my back I would find very hard to forgive.

@IAxolotlQuestions Absolutely agree that some people remain married due to financial reasons. My divorce was incredibly hard on me from a financial pov; I'm still in privately rented over a decade on and will likely be so for the foreseeable, even though I work hard to provide for my family.
But... for me, I chose my self-respect over money and would do so all over again.

Wow, that’s not something you hear everyday 😯

Zero. The relationship would be over immediately.

Can't help wondering if these posters are men as women would simply not have time with the workload of a job, kids, cooking, cleaning etc - similar to why all bigamists are men. They don't see that they benefit and the wife is literally left with all the shit and probably an STD

The first poster nailed it, this is about 5 kids, whatever she says

@SmallDFartyCarNRG Not all marriages are borne of misogyny. My husband and I share everything that you have detailed - work, kids, cooking, cleaning etc. I would accept no less.

None. I know me very well, I’d just never get past it. It would fester and warp. Better to be done and move on.

Then that's not an affair is it? If you are in a committed relationship and both of you agree it's ok if one or the other has sex outside of that relationship it's an open agreement. This thread is not about that at all, it's about affairs and betrayal. You are trying to start a discussion about something completely different.

DH's cousin's wife only discovered her husband had several affairs because he told her much later and a couple were also discovered by her friends. That's deception, there had been no pre-agreement to this, they had no discussion over it. So no, in this situation two people had not agreed to this, only one very selfish man had.

Glad to hear it. However if you also accept staying married to him after affairs and him sleeping with your best friend then you are more enlightened than me.

I think once but that would depend on the circumstances. If it was a one of shag , especially under the influence of alcohol, possibly. If he shagged a mate or family member then no . If it was a full blown affair then no.

Absolutely none! If you don’t respect yourself, no one will respect you.

One.

As others have said, it is easy to say none, and think you mean it until it happens. We were very much a couple that it forced us to both face that our marriage was in trouble but that neither of us really wanted to end it. We were both in our 50s with teenage kids. I actually think it would have been easier to have walked when they (and I) were younger. We did separate for a year and spent time in solo counselling, worked through our individual issues before coming back together.

Whether intentionally or not, it does frequently come across as judgemental when those who haven't lived it say none, or make comments about self esteem, low bars etc. There is always an implication that somehow those of us who have made a different decision, for whatever reason, must be weak. It very much is not the case - recovering from infidelity takes incredible strength regardless of whether you remain together or divorce.

Then that's not an affair is it?

No, it's not. So what's with your "Why even be in a committed relationship if you want sex with other people? It should not be a case of having your cake and eating it too ffs" with regard to open relationships? Why are you "shoulding" and "ffsing" about consensual adult sex that's totally honest and not an affair, amongst people who are all completely fine with it and even desire it?

I couldn’t get past a full blown affair, more for the deception than the actual affair.
I might be able to forgive one random kiss or ONS, hard to know without being in the situation

I certainly don’t judge people for staying with an affair partner but I know myself well and for me, personally it’s just not something I could move on from because I overthink everything and it would simply eat away at my mind day after day. And maybe that means I’m not that strong because as you say, it does take strength and courage to stay. I’d rather wimp out I’m afraid.

Some are afraid to leave even after many infidelities. It’s easy said if you aren’t scared or have somewhere to go.
They wait till the children are older then leave.

Look, you so obviously have a very differing opinion on what constitutes a committed and equal relationship to than I do. I stand by what I say, a relationship where either couple have sex with others needs to be fully agreed by both parties and my op is about someone I know being cheated on multiple times and not agreeing to that, that’s infidelity. What you keep referring to is an open relationship where both people agree to have sex with others, that is fine if all are onboard but is definitely an affair if it comes as a shock to one of you.

At this stage in our relationship, probably one if it was a stupid ONS. None if an affair. But ask me again if I find myself in that situation

None. I was planning the divorce the minute I found out as I knew I would never get past it. It was many years ago but I’ve never regretted getting divorced from someone so selfish.

I genuinely don’t understand how anyone can be intimate again with the person who has cheated on them. How do you ever forget that they have flirted, met in secret, kissed, touched, cuddled and merged bodily fluids with someone else? I knew that I could never share a bed with my ex again as I felt so physically repulsed by him.

she isn’t over it. she’s clearly processing it and justifying it somehow. i can’t imagine how complicated the grieving process is when your husband was like this. she may be able tackle it later on?