How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

I ended it after almost 2 years of weird behaviour and gaslighting. He did not want to leave as that was me being unreasonable, and he didn't want me to leave with the kids as that would be me cruelly taking the kids from their home. He finally agreed to go, but took his own sweet time about it until eventually I snapped and broke into his email account. Once I got angry and could prove he was in the wrong, he suddenly found somewhere else to live. From the emails I discovered he'd been sleeping around for years.

Afterwards I realized that it was not the lack of trust that was the worst for me. It was his awful behaviour over the last 2 years. To me, that is what is most important in my current relationship, that he treats me very well. If that ever stops, I won't wait for an affair to leave.

I would always have said none. I’d never be able to forget it and I think it would make me bitter - but, we’ve adopted a child together and stability for them would mean I’d have to consider staying. Not saying I necessarily would, and I definitely don’t imagine me forgiving, but I don’t think I’m as sure of my reaction now.

Would definitely not stay more than once though.

I do know of one relationship where the H has cheated fairly regularly and the wife chooses to turn a blind eye because she has no sex drive. She has said she knows he’s coming home after, they both want the stable family life they have, they like and love each other so she just ignores.

There would be no point in us staying together because i’d bring it up every day. It’s not something I could move past. I would not have that kind of piss taken out of me.

None for me. I saw what my Dad's repeated cheating did to my Mum over the 25 years they were married.

Maybe she wanted to save the kids from a constant flow of his short relationships? Maybe he had other issues (addictions for example) and she felt it was best the kids were with her all the time. Maybe she did forgive him. Maybe she felt it was the best thing to do to keep a stable life - did they appear to have a happy marriage? Maybe she was cheating too? Maybe she hated him but felt five kids was just too much as a single parent?

Was she devestated when he died or had she already grieved him in the marriage?

I have realised that people will do an awful lot to protect their kids and a steady stream of women going through the kids lives wouldn’t be unusual.

I know a few guys who cheated and died early of heart issues. I have always wondered if living a lying and deceitful life creates health issues? Assuming she got the house, pension, life cover etc maybe she did the right thing.

I would've said none. But xh was a touring musician and had a fling. At the time I was very alone (no family) and chronically ill, he was all I had. I simply couldn't hear it and went full head in the sand, to the point I didn't even remember the conversation until after we divorced years and years later (not due to that).

I have no less respect for people who stay. It's not always straightforward.

I went out with a few guys who were prolific ladies men, and didn’t stop when they got married. I just made sure not to marry any of them! If DH cheated? He’d be gone, good luck!

Just to add I respect people for their behaviour. I will respect any woman or man who tries to do the right thing for her/his kids. Especially when they face the devastation that betrayal causes. Any person who faces such abuse needs support and compassion. They are a victim of domestic abuse as I think cheating is abusive (see why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft - he mentions cheats).

Cheats on the other hand are liars. No need for such shitty behaviour. Cheating is abusive behaviour. If you can lie and put your spouse at risk of HIV etc then you are a shitty person.

I don't see infidelity as a big issue. Quite frankly I think too many women are brainwashed into it being really bad and a sackable offense.
Guess it has came from some biblical teaching

The issue for me is the bigger picture
If we are happy and work well as a team.
The only way infidelity would affect me is if anything negative came of it (him not being about, pregnancy etc...)

Just don't get why someone breaks up a marriage cause someone had a shag. There are more important things.

I forgave it once, but that was a big mistake. The resentment never really went away and he cheated again. If it happened again, I'd be out the door at the first sign.

I am same as you - when I was much younger I let my fiancee get away with it once and suspected another time which, with hindsight of a further infidelity that was disclosed after we split, I was right about.

I think if you have had it happen and have plucked up the courage to leave someone for it, you forgive it less. I suspect some women worry how they would function out of a relationship if that feels like all they have known, so stick with it because of that or an overriding belief people would take his side if they left. Plenty of abusers keep the friends leaving he victim with no one to talk to, I personally saw a whole village side with a well to do man over a woman who was repeatedly having broken bones and ended up with a skull fracture. If people can turn a blind eye to that and still be chummy with the arsehole doing it, I can see why a woman in such a community would feel it easier to stay.

I would say none but in reality it may depend on the circumstances and how I felt at the time. If it was really just one night stand I might be able to try again once. But not twice. An affair no.

None

I completely agree. My first reaction is, none. The betrayal would end the relationship. But life is complicated so I guess people sometimes choose the least bad option. Or they are somehow able to forgive

Zero

im not a doormat and I know my own self worth and have more self respect

that being said I’ve always had a good job but it’s also why I ensured I’d always be financially ok without a man

too many women still rely on their other half financially and therefore have no choice but to accept such shitty behaviour

Ask Annie Walker, Toni Terri, Sharon Osbourne to name a few.

My friends husband has had numerous affairs. She always forgives. Says they not having him.
Hes very rich btw so maybe its the money ???

I would forgive one. One slip. people are human they make mistakes. it would have to be a one time thing (though if it was i would prefer not to know at all) or a very short affair. But it couldn't be a long term affair. and I'd be more likely to forgive if things are difficult than if it happened when things were good.

But everyone has their own limits. Have a great aunt and uncle and he used to spend two weeks a year with his mistress on holiday - she was also married and lived far away. his wife knew, everyone knew. But her opinion was he was a good and loyal husband the other 50 weeks of the year so she could forgive 2 weeks of the year and that was just a flaw she could live with. they were otherwise happily married for over 60 years so 💁

I can absolutely see how that would be a sweetener.

Easy answer, none, infidelity is a conscious decision to deceive your partner on many levels and should never been forgiven. Forgiveness essentially gives them the ok to do it again, they got away with it once so why not twice.

Nobody truly knows, because everyone's circumstances are different. And there are worse things than infidelity.
Sometimes we may choose to forgive, rather than condemn.

there are worse things than infidelity.

I'm inclined to agree with this, although infidelity is awful. My father never cheated as far as I know, but he screamed at my mother all the time, called her disgusting names, threw food around if he didn't like it, made really inappropriate comments, broke household items, ruined every Christmas dinner we hosted and a few that we didn't and really destroyed any sense of family cohesion even though they never divorced (she lurved him). Honestly I'd find an affair easier to forgive than any of that and if I behaved like that, I don't think my husband would be evil personified if he strayed.

Zero. And I’ve told him since day one. I’d never get over it, the trust would be gone.

I doubt I would get over it. Would I stay? Potentially! If someone told me today that my partner cheated on me five years ago I’d be devastated but we’ve bought a house and had two children in the last five years so it would be very hard to walk away from it that. If I found out he was currently having an affair I’d be more inclined to leave but it would be hard (emotionally, financially, logistically).

I would be the same. I can't compartmentalise issues like some people can, I am an over-thinker and it would torture me.

If people can shelve it and move on and it works for them then great but it really would not work for me at all. I've ditched friends for much less than that, affairs are the ultimate in betrayal in my mind.