How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

I've been cheated on once in a relationship before I met my husband but that was a very long time ago. As soon as I discovered this I ended it as I would have done any other relationship, the same applies to my current and most long standing relationship which is my marriage to my DH. Yes, the previous relationship was just that and not a long term marriage but it still remains the same for me and would be for any relationships.

I know there are a few on here saying 'It has never happened to you so you can't say what you'd do', I know my own mind and I know I personally would not be able to forget that kind of betrayal and I would hate my DH for his actions, what would the joy be in carrying on like that? We all have a ceiling point level to what we would tolerate in life and I absolutely know mine on this subject.

I totally agree. I too have seen the destruction cheating does to marriages and I would not tolerate that. For one thing my mental health wouldn't tolerate it and I'm not prepared to make myself unwell because of someone else's absolute disrespect for me

Why are you making a point of not answering my question?

Do you have an objection to consensual, honest, open relationships among people who don't require sexual exclusivity? I have to conclude that you have. You're allowed to, of course, but I don't see what it's got to do with you or why you would mind what other people do if it's all honest and consensual. That goes somewhere beyond requiring fidelity in your own relationship.

Yeah, cheating is abuse. Emotional, mental, physical, sexual, and financial abuse. It's a hard line for me.

Your cousin's wife sounds like she was addicted to him. My mother was too, to my father. The whole thing was a bit grotesque. Eventually he left her, a few months after she had a heart attack that nearly killed her.

I have said that if two people are happy to agree to an open relationship then that is fine but you keep being this into this thread when it's about being cheated on which is totally separate to the issue you keep raising.

If one person in a supposed exclusive relationship cheats, (And let's face it the majority of people do enter into relationships with the unspoken understanding neither are going to seek out sexual contact with anyone else whilst in said relationship) then they have committed adultery and have actively gone out of their way to deceive the other partner.

You seem fixated on dragging up a discussion about open relationships which I have no issue with if everyone is on board from the beginning BUT this thread is NOT about that so I'm not sure why you are being so constantly obtuse or wanting to railroad this thread?

Actually you brought up the subject of open relationships (weird since you clearly get antsy talking about them). Then, while talking about them, you criticised people for wanting sex with more than one person if they are in "committed relationships". If you actually meant "monogamous relationships", this makes sense (although wanting sex is different to having it). Which is why I tried to ask, more than once, if that was what you meant. It's a simple yes or no. You actually still haven't answered the question.

So what I think, actually, since you will not be plain, is that you were criticising open relationships and think they are wrong on some level but a) have to concede that you can't really justify this if everyone involved is very happily consenting and b) didn't realise that you could get out of it just by answering "yes, I did mean monogamous, not committed".

Anyway, my curiosity is satisfied. Phew!

My eldest kid has an ENM relationship with a couple her age, already for a couple of years. It looks like bloody hard work to me but they all love each other and seem happy to do the communication, relational, and self work needed to keep things harmonious.

ENM would not be for me - waaaay too much work - but I have no problem with it.

But the ENM community is extremely clear about what constitutes cheating, which is emotional and/or sexual activity with other parties that has not been agreed on. If my daughter would want another steady partner as well as her couple (ie establish what's known as a polycule), she'd have to inform her couple, and they'd have to decide whether they could accept that. If they couldn't, they'd have to split from my daughter. If they could accept the new polycule setup, they might still want to put down certain boundaries, such as it's important for them to eat together as a threesome every Friday night (or whatever). If my daughter would hide the fact that she's established a serious relationship with the fourth party from her couple, that would be considered cheating, and all hell would break loose. The same would be true if my daughter or either/both of the other two would have sex without a condom with a fourth party.

The fact that ENM also explicitly prohibits cheating (that's the 'ethical' part of ENM) just underscores the fundamental problem with cheating: the deception and duplicity involved.

If people want to fuck around, have at it. But don't do it behind your unwitting and unconsenting partner's back, that just makes you a low POS.

After this I will not be replying to any more of your posts because you are so obviously fixated on open relationships and being purposely goading.

Since you are being so very pedantic yes, the type of relationship that the majority of people are in would be a monogamous relationship but when I refer to it as a "committed relationship" I expect that most people on here would know what I mean and by that I refer to a relationship in which two people enter and commit to each other and allow no one else into that unit. The type of relationships that you keep droning on about are rare, only a small percentage of people want to enter into a consensual non-monogamous relationship and as I have had to point out to you endless times now this is not a thread about that at all so it's a completely moot point and therefore, if you keep harping on about it I will no longer reply to you.

Whatever she says she may not be telling the truth. She may be pleased he’s dead. She may dance with happiness every evening. Maybe he suggested he’d be hard to divorce (not uncommon with abusers).

The interesting bit is the fact she has now told people. Had she really forgiven would she have told people? If she had keep quiet all these years why tell now and not before? If she really adored him? I bet he’d see her telling others as betrayal. I have heard a cheater accuse his spouse of betrayal when she told her sister he was a cheat!

She has tarnished his reputation as a good husband and family man by telling people who he really was.

Some people will now see him as an abusive arsehole and he can never change that view as he is no longer here. He cannot make amends or even tell his own story (betrayers often have a tale of woe).

If he was my friend, uncle, brother etc I’d think they were an abuser. I would forever see him as an abusive deceptive man, my memory of him would be forever clouded. He’d be ‘Jim, you know who I mean, Jim! He died in his fifty’s, good looking, cheated on his wife, never realised he was an abuser, must have struggled and needed external validation. Loser Jim’.

Maybe she played the long game. He’s no longer the Jim he portrayed to the outside world, the good looking family man, who died before his time. Instead he’s abusive cheaty Jim, who lied to his loved ones for years.

Maybe she did get revenge.

Is this real? Your husband is on to OW number 5 and you're worried about their morals? Your husband's community dick is the fundamental issue here.

You're now reduced to stalking women- Lord knows why it's important you have their addresses and such.

And he's already spending money in other homes if he's buying women designer bags.
You're worth so much more than this.

Maybe it's not revenge, but rather processing and coming to terms with the truth? She was addicted to this guy. Now he's dead and she's not getting the dopamine/oxytocin bursts he gave her, she is slowly starting to realise what a prick he was to her.

She certainly doesn't owe it to him to keep lying for him - she's the one who has to live with what he did.

None. 🤷‍♀️

I do think it was some kind of addiction, she has definitely placed him on some sort of pedestal for years. She is going to need a lot of support and is contemplating entering into some counselling which we are encouraging, she needs an outlet. I really hope her future is kind to her, she deserves it. She is a good person.

I think in most cases if you forgive once, you have got on the ride and you can't get off. Either you walk immediately or you are signalling you will put up with it.

I know a woman who had children with a very wealthy man and had an amazing life, didn't need to work, stables, pool, nannies etc. He had an affair and she left him. After that she had a series of menial jobs and a very difficult life financially, she now says if she had her time again she would have turned a blind eye which I thought was an interesting viewpoint and shocked me.

Ladies these days are generally educated and financially independent with their own pension provisions. We are lucky that we can leave our husbands but it wasn't really possible a couple of generations back.

Even me, (46) all of the kids i went to school with from single parent families were made up of unemployed Mum living in total poverty on benefits as she couldn't work and look after kids as family friendly working hours, especially during school holidays weren't available.

Oh, answer to the OP - zero.

I’m not sure, I didn’t forgive ex but was unhappy anyway and didn’t have much to lose.

My DH and I make a good team, we have a nice house that neither of us could afford on our own.

Troubled teen DD would play us off against each other.

i think along the lines of other posts, I probably couldn’t forgive an affair or anything that took him away from his responsibilities at home, or if it was someone I knew.

A drunken shag on a work trip? Maybe I could, hopefully I would never find out.

But I am pondering this from a place of being married to a lovely, trustworthy man and I don’t think he would.

@CherryKerry Exactly. One of the many reasons I have always worked to earn ny own money; it makes it far easier to leave a marriage if infidelity and / or general unacceptable behaviour occurs.
I have been a single mum but absolutely never an unemployed one.

Exactly this.

And yet again i see the

"I would never cheat"/"he would never cheat" being dragged out.

The right circumstances, the right emotion, the right environment, the right opportunity...you might.

@FunPartyIdeas Lots of women work. My dd is a divorce barrister and she sees many women whose earnings are nowhere near enough to fund a house similar to the one they are leaving. Often the house when split 50:50 gives a relatively small deposit to each partner and the need for 2 family houses often cannot be met by either working parent. You cannot get two similar houses in the same area out of one property whether you are working or not. You simply get something. Many women are employable as they haven’t been out of the market for so long that they cannot go back. For older women it’s more difficult but they usually have more equity and marital savings.

I can say hand on heart that I would never cheat, ever. The opportunity has been there for me in the past but my marriage and my love for my DH is stronger. I've seen what affairs do to all those involved and I'd never want to be responsible for that.

The right circumstances, the right emotion, the right environment, the right opportunity...you might

There are no circumstances in which I'd want to fuck up my entire life. There are very few happy endings where affairs are involved.

Of course you’re right. But until I was cheated on within my marriage, I genuinely think either of us were capable of it. We didn’t understand the ramifications, we didn’t see cheating as abuse. We were both in need of validation from others, due to flaws in ourselves. The affair happened and we both grew up FAST. We both suffered and it took years to recover, but we recovered together. Him from his shame and me from my devastation and hurt. The realisation of how much I loved him was overwhelming on discovery. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m glad it happened, but I do think it was inevitable looking at our characters (more so his) and our ignorance. We are very happy now, I am not bitter, we moved on.

I certainly know I would not cheat now. I understand it at a deep level. I don’t believe he would either (his lifestyle and behaviours are utterly different) but nothing is set in stone. If he did cheat again, I would leave, as it would show that the flaws in him that led to the affair are still there. I can accept it happened once, but anymore than that I would leave.

You would be surprised at how common it is, after a death, to discover infidelity, usually as a result of messages popping up on the deceased person’s phone or tablet. In several cases I have dealt with through my work, there has not only been another woman, but an entire second family that showed up at the funeral. Makes for a very complicated grieving process.

I know someone who has, unfortunately experienced this when her half sister turned up at her father's funeral, a sibling she never knew existed until that day.

Human beings are very complicated I will give you that, I have seen too many families wrecked by affairs, I would never want to knowingly contribute to that.

Nah. I would never ever cheat. Not only do I despise cheating, I also don't need validation from men.

As for my H, I would be very surprised to find out he's a cheater, but I'd believe it and he'd be out, because I don't need him. I love him and more importantly perhaps, I like him, but I don't need him.

Just because you said no when you had opportunities before it doesn't mean you will always say no.

A different day/season, a different emotion, a different feeling... You could.