How many infidelities would you forgive?

[Gingerteabaghag]

For me it would be none, if dh had an affair it would be the end of our 36 years relationship forever, I am an overthinker and could never come back from the deception, the lack of trust would eat me away.

DH’s cousin died suddenly a few months ago, he was only in his late 50’s, so too is his wife. They have been together since they were 18 and have 5 dc.

The wife always comes across as a strong, independent and capable person, not the sort you’d want to mess around with yet she told us yesterday he cheated on her at least four times during their marriage (one with her friend of 15 years), she’s via friends there may have been other infidelity’s too and yet she has taken him back each time, she says she did that because she adored him and felt she could never have loved anyone else.

I appreciate we are all different and I know some do forgive, forget and move on but four times??

And I just can’t stop thinking that her best friend shagged her husband behind her back, what sort of people do that?

None

I think I would find even once too hard. I don’t think I could move past it, even if I wanted to.

I wouldn't accept any cheating. When my first h cheated I divorced him immediately despite him begging relentlessly to be allowed to come back. He broke our marriage contract.

Just a thought re wedding vows. In a religious ceremony its ’ death till we part’ which I presume means staying together even through infidelities, illness, etc
im not religious and married in a registry office which is just as well as I’m divorced.
i do agree the choice to stay is really only made in the face of infidelity and the circumstances. I have stayed despite saying I never would but the trust really is destroyed. I’d never forgive a second infidelity.

@Ocean67 We never married in a church as neither of us are Christian and, as I said, it was so important for us to mean the wedding vows we declared, and that included not making promises to a God we don't believe in. There was no "until death do us part" - absolutely not if you cheat!
I cannot think of a single good reason to stay married to a cheat.

None at all

If I found out that would be it no way would I give anyone the chance to do that again to me, not a hope in hell!!!

None. In fact, I ended my marriage over pornography, webcamming, messaging random women online etc. I have no proof he ever physically cheated but that stuff was enough and I didn't trust him.

Ended the marriage while we had two small kids and it was the best thing I ever did. He was also a crap husband and father in general and there was absolutely no way I was going to let him model marriage and life for our kids. Best decision I ever made. He's no longer in the picture at all, and my kids are grown, happy, and doing well and I believe it is because he couldn't influence them/didn't stick around that they are good, kind, successful people.

I know myself and I know that even if I tried to forgive, I wouldn't forget and I wouldn't trust him so the marriage would be ruined anyway.

I don't think I could ever forget either and I know the constant mistrust would eat away at me.

There is absolutely no excuse for cheating if you are in a committed relationship. I could have had the opportunity to cheat around 10 years ago but I walked away before anything even slightly began, I could not imagine hurting my husband and family for something that would have completely ruined all of our lives, I'd have never forgiven myself and I love my husband too much for that, we've been through too much to thrown it away.

I do understand why people take someone back for the sake of their children but is that always a good thing? My best friend's father cheated on her mother frequently and now my friend has no relationship with him (his only child) because she recalls only too deeply the pain it cost her poor mum.

I completely understand your sentiment, I really do. I’d like to think most people committing to marriage and declaring their vows mean them .
Although sadly I see so many stories of people cheating even before the wedding ceremony and then carry on after… despicable , I mean, why the hell commit to marriage?

Sorry this was in reply to funpartyideas**

zero

It really, really depends on the situation. If things were fine and he was just using affair sites to seek something out, that would feel very different to me than if it appeared to be borne of a mental health crisis caused by bereavement or something, and he hadn't actively sought something. Also, while it's obviously not an excuse to cheat and doesn't make it OK, if I had been difficult to live with for some reason and had a hand in making things unhappy, then it wouldn't give him a free pass, but it would definitely factor into my decision. Cheating isn't the only legal way of treating your partner badly and potentially ruining the love or trust.

Zero. There's just no way back.

@Gingerteabaghag the cousins wife had 5 kids? Did she have her own career and money? Could she provide for her 5 kids on her own?

I always thought that would be it, I’d never go back. We’ve even talked about it in the past.
But DH had an emotional affair last year that just tipped into physical before he told me.
This year has been the toughest for both of us, lots of tears, upset, therapy, talking and time, but we are in the other side now and we haven’t felt as strong together since we got married.

It’s so so easy to say ‘no way back ever’ - I know I did, but you can’t truly know how you will react until it happens to you. And how you both face and own that upset is also a huge factor in an ability to move forward.

One. depending on circumstances/reasons. I’ve seen people come back from infidelity- their relationships needed work and the infidelity forced the issue.

I’m also a practical person. There are significant economic benefits in remaining married. So while it would clearly affect how our relationship worked, I would have to think about whether it was really in my interests to leave.

I have a very low relationship bar and there is no way I could get over a physical affair even if I desperately wanted to. It would constantly be on my mind.

I think it is very easy to say what you would do until it actually happens to you. Don’t judge somebody else’s choices.

Yes, she does have her own career, a good one that she has been in for 30 years.

She admits that she had always been besotted with him. She had always put him on a pedestal for some reason. No idea why as she even admits many of her friends warned her off him at the beginning. I suppose some people are drawn to others and nothing that other person says or does will ever cloud their judgement of them. I personally can’t imagine being that way over someone. If dh cheated on me I could never come back from it even though I’ve adored him since I was 17 years old. It would instantly change the way I’d see him, forever.

I honestly can’t see how I’d ever forgive something like that, sorry but we are all different as you have pointed out. I’m 53 and know myself fairly well. Maybe if it had happened years ago when our children had been younger, things may have been different but I really don’t think so, definitely not now I’m in my 50’s and perimenopausal!

I do hope everything works out well for you and have an enjoyable future together.

The title of my thread was to ask individuals how many, if any, affairs would they accept and forgive. That’s not judging that’s asking a personal question and people have answered, I’ve given my answer which is that I can’t imagine that I, personally, would ever forgive one let alone multiple affairs as DH’s relative has. As the posters have proven, we are all different and for those who have forgiven and moved on I wish them well.

1 depwndamr of circumstances

It’s always easy to say hypothetically what you’d do until it happens. I know many women who stayed despite saying they wouldn’t.

many factors, namely young children, not wanting to coparent or subject children to switching houses constantly, money and change of lifestyle. People have their own reasons.