The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hello everybody - @Nosdacariadasked me to start the new thread and add my motivational bit in - hope this sounds OK. I have massive imposter syndrome to be honest @Nosdacariadis the queen of these threads, and I ❤️ her!

Slightly terrified about Mr Cricket coming over tonight, as I have decided to try to make sex happen. He may turn me down, but my instincts are saying he won't. And so much hinges on this, to be honest. I feel like our dating is at a turning point where it either has to transform into something deeper and stronger, or just fizzle off...... And the chemistry will be the test of this.

Re the discussion on the other thread about platonic male friends, I think my view is that it's fine to have opposite sex friends in a relationship but there are limits on the type of stuff you should do with them, time spent alone etc. I think for me overnight activities would be too much.

Both of my closest platonic male friends are actually married, but both wives are surprisingly liberal. In fact, one of the couples are open to an extent, and she wouldn't actually mind if we shagged (we don't, because I don't fancy him - he has made it pretty clear it would be on the table if I wanted it). But we do go to spas and stuff like that (his wife isn't into spas - he is more "girly" than her on a strange way - but their marriage seems to work! Wouldn't be for me, though.....)

The other one, they are exclusive but his wife has a male friend she holidays with! So she is OK with him doing stuff with me. We are both quite interested in the paranormal so we go on ghost hunting breaks occasionally - again, his wife would have no interest.

Mr Cricket definitely has female friends, but I don't think ones he goes away with? I don't really know this for sure. It's something I guess we will have to talk about it we do decide to progress things. But I have always assumed I would have to limit the kinds of activities I do with these friends if I do start dating someone seriously.

I have been jealous of partners female friends in the past, definitely. And always with good reason, it turned out in the end! Of course I do know male/female friendships can be entirely platonic.....

I guess it's another of those things where there is no right or wrong - it's down to the boundaries of the individual couple .....

@Ilovelurchers Thank you for the new thread! Great that you added in your piece to the intro too, it’s a wise piece of advice so yiu should definitely not have imposter syndrome!

I truly hope things go well with Cricket tonight. It sounds like you are ready for the next step, and to your point, it will be good to know sooner rather than later if there is chemistry and potential.

I totally understand how you feel about your FWB, it would be hard to let go of something that otherwise works really well for you. There is no rush to make any choices though, just take it slowly and most importantly listen to your gut!

Hello! I've missed a few threads (took a break when the thread got hijacked by those red pill blokes) but I love this thread title and it's dragged me back in! I shall potter off to the most recent thread and try and get myself up to speed. I hope everyone is doing well!

@Ilovelurchers good luck tonight with Mr Cricket!

About the male friends thing I used to be very pro male-female platonic friendships (I've always worked in male dominated environments) however unfortunately over the years my own experiences have tarnished my view. I had many "close" male friends in my mid 20s but one by one they've been placed into the bin for crossing boundaries. When I became single a few years back several "friends" made moves and once I made it clear I wasn't interested the friendships didn't continue. Some of them had partners/wives but it didn't stop them (those ones were very promptly placed in the bin). A few went in for a snog on a tipsy night out and one even climbed into my bed after asking if he could sleep on the sofa.

Obviously not all men are like this, but I do think the men who put effort into maintaining one to one friendships with women while in a relationship quite often want something more than friendship, or are at least open to the idea. I'd be wary if my partner had a close female friend he spent a lot of one to one time with.

I still have male friends who I am very fond of but I don't really spend time with them one to one and don't message them excessively.

My 23 year old self would roll her eyes at this and say I need to be more open minded but sadly my personal experience has changed my views for the worse. It's a shame!

@Ilovelurchers thank you SO much and I love you too. Definitely no need for imposter syndrome💐

@Kaltenzahn so good to see you, how are you doing?

@Ilovelurchers re: 🏏 I hope it goes brilliantly!

@Nosdacariad I feel ok but also feel like I need to give dating a rest for a bit. I’ll still join the thread and chip in though ☺️

Evening all.
Yet again that effing garage has me missing a man, but mostly because my shoulders back and arms are killing me.

If shes in the right mood DD might be persuaded to oblige,but ita not quite the same as big strong male hands digging into my traps.

On the other hand. Fucking go me. I prepped and repainted a whole garage door and frame. I am woman. Roar. Etc.

I am talking to people on hi ge but not going to bother this thread with any of them unless or until they progress a bit

Absolutely go you - that is fucking epic! I feel insanely proud of myself if I do even the smallest DIY thing ..... But you sound proper impressive!

Quick question - is it ok to wear an LBD for Cricket coming over tonight? I realise it's over dressing in a sense, but I so rarely get the chance to dress up. In fact, I can't even remember when I bought this dress (it's a charity shop one, but lovely) and I have certainly never worn it before.....

It's the kind of dress one might wear to a posh dinner party - not that I ever get invited to things like that any more......

I kind of want to show him I have made the effort? I have tried quite hard with the food, too......

Yep lbd is a go… absolutely do what makes you feel good, go get him!

Hell yes!

Always wear the dress!

@AlwaysCarrieSATC it's probably good to have a bit of a break.

@ThreeMogsAndCounting great job on the painting and you're doing better than me on Hinge, do you pay? I only met Crashing.

@Ilovelurchers jealous of your soiree! Have a fab time 😘

I do not pay. I'm not invested enough to bother. I match with one or two a day, but so far one or other of us has faded out after a day or two...

I think I've blocked to burn everyone local 😂

😆
Yeah. Been there in the past where you just keep seeing the same faces and it all feels a bit pointless!

Still, at least I'm not seeing the insecure ex any more and Beardy ex has moved too far away to show up in my feed because I think that would end me.

@Ilovelurchers thank you for the new thread and motivational pitch! I'm sure Mr Cricket will be super flattered/excited by the lbd and the food - hope your evening goes as planned...

@Nosdacariad @ThreeMogsAndCounting I'm on Hinge for free and my last couple of dates have been with Hinge matches. The minimal swiping suits me at the moment - I'm just too demotivated to spend more time on the apps. Having said that - I'm a bit irritated by Hinge because even that now have non monogamy and 'I haven't decided my dating objectives' or whatever it is in English as options - and Hinge used to be the more serious and less hookup-y app. Nothing wrong with that but now all the apps have just blurred into a very similar experience 😫

I'm so weirded out by "figuring out my dating goals".

Not cool 😱

Its because a lot of non monogamous people use dating apps to find secondary relationships. At least this way they can be honest about it so they can be avoided.

@Nosdacariad I am very well thank you! Horribly busy at work and quite alarmed at how quickly this year seems to have flown by! Are you well? I have missed your updates!

@Ilovelurchers yes to the dress! The LBD is beautifully versatile and if it makes you feel confident and comfortable you can't go far wrong!

Yes, but they can do that via the more hook-up type apps like Tinder, I'm just puzzled why Hinge needs to have that too, they seemed to have a niche market for more relationship-seeking types. Like Bumble was supposed to be for the woman's lead. And Feeld for kinks and open relationships. Now it seems like all options are on the table for all the apps!

They're still looking for long term relationships, just not monogamous ones.

It's true Feeld used to be for that, but then it got swamped by tourists and now, as you say, the apps are all rather similar. Even so, I'd rather know up front that someone is looking for me to join their harem than to be in a monogamous relationship. I wish there was one that didn't assume kink and open relationships go hand in hand.

Cricket has just left - my choice (I have work tomorrow and didn't think I would sleep well with a new person in bed with me for the first time). Sex was had. My head is now a bit all over the place - please excuse the self-indulgently long post, but I need to get my feelings down somewhere, and you guys are always super helpful.

Positives:

• he is great company - we have loads in common, and the chat is always really relaxing and fun. We spent ages in bed chatting after the sex, and it still felt very relaxed and fun. I think he gets my weird sense of humour, and I do feel I can be totally myself with him
• he is a real sexual talent! Impressive stamina, and a very generous lover. Technically speaking, it was some of the best sex I have ever had with a new partner.

Negatives:

• lack of compliments. He didn't say I looked nice, despite the fact that I was in a nice dress, had done hair and makeup etc and, if I do say so myself, was looking pretty fine. He also didn't compliment the food much, despite the fact I had clearly gone to a lot of effort. He did say the home made naan bread was good. And when I was praising his sexual performance he said "you aren't so bad yourself." But that was all. Could this be deliberate begging? I am used to a lot more positivity. Even FWB, who isn't the biggest praiser in the world, always races about my food - I AM a decent cook. And I do think I am a decent lover - past lovers have always said so!
• he didn't bring anything, despite my asking him what he would like to drink, and providing the wine he prefers. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but surely it's normal to bring something if someone is kind enough to cook for you?

Are these red flags? Pink? On the whole though, it WAS a really lovely evening. But I am not sure what I think now. I deliberately avoided any discussion of the future, as I am really not sure what I want. Maybe I just need to give things time to settle? But any thoughts would be most welcome.......

Glad you had a great time.

Are these dealbreakers for you?

I get why both things would niggle. Could it be a social background thing - lack of awareness? Does it feel like lack of effort?

@Ilovelurchers Sounds like it went reasonably well then! Compliments - some people do find them a bit awkward. How does he respond when you compliment him? Not offering to bring anything is bad form. If it continued then I would find it off putting. Same with not complimenting the food, surely that’s just basic manners. Is there at chance he was just nervous?

@Ilovelurchers Hmm, that would niggle me a bit, too. I think the lack of compliments shows either a lack of social awareness, or perhaps even arrogance? When he talks to you, is he genuinely interested in finding out about you, your thoughts, opinions and history? Does he come across as really into you? I mean, do you think his lack of responsiveness to your appearance and the food (which sounds amazing, home-made naan, wow!) was down to being so impressed he felt too intimidated to say the right thing, or did he not notice the effort because he’s a wee bit too focused on himself and didn’t really notice your effort?

Or maybe he’s just more focused on you as a person and less on details such as appearance and environment? He might send a thoughtful message commenting on these things later maybe, once he’s had time to reflect. Or perhaps, if you have an exclusivity convo soon, you could mention that you weren’t quite sure how he felt, since he didn’t give enough verbal clues?!

In the grand scheme of things, it sounds like it was a great evening!