The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Better for seeing you😘

I'm still moaning about Crashing not Soaring despite having dated multiple irons since. Currently dating Mr Tennis.

Delurking here. I hope you don't mind me following this thread. I'm not single or female and haven't ever used dating apps. I am intrigued by how much dating has changed. Mostly though I'm wishing you all well on your romantic quests.

@Ilovelurchers I wonder whether you are overthinking this. You have been very enthusiastic about MrCricket. Your purpose in sleeping with him was to see you clicked, and it seems you did.

Unless you feel you're missing a sense of connection throughout, don't you have your answer? And the problem there is that connection takes time to grow and with people you've only just met there is no time.

I think @OneShyQuail 's advice is good. Please tell him. Whether he's relationship material is likely to in his response, won't it?

I hope you don't mind me chipping in but I can see how hard it is for all of you and I'd hate to see this slip through your fingers.

Welcome @Catullus5 nice and relevant name choice.

I think the fear (if there is one) is more "getting lumbered with a wrong 'un" than letting things slip through our fingers (no sniggering at the back!).

Lovely to hear from you. Haha I’m also keen to hear an update! You give us hope that there is someone out there for us…!

@empirebiscuits12What was it that made you bid farewell to HP? I thought you were considering a casual thing…?

Ok I am definitely struggling a bit with Mr Bay. He seemed genuine and lovely in our video call the other night. We messaged yesterday and I asked if he had any nerdy tendencies 😆 He replied that he was a bit obsessive over XYZ, then added at the end “Oh and dark brown eyes 😉”. It’s an attempt to flirt but it’s just giving me the ick. Am I being over sensitive?

If it gives you the ick, it gives you the ick.

For context - do you have 👁👁 (dark brown ones I mean!).

Yes I do!
I don know why but I just feel uncomfortable….

Then that's good information.

Safety first xxx

I think a clumsy attempt at flirting is better than no flirting early on, but you can't help how you feel!

I do wonder if your connection that is so much more developed with Mr Charismatic could be blocking you here. When you already have something that feels good and intimate with him, any attempts to flirt with you by someone with whom it's less far along may just feel awkward by comparison.

Or you just don't fancy him and the chemistry isn't there! Sometimes it's just as simple as that

Love the cricketing metaphors and I hope I haven't made a silly point ;-)

Very insightful! I think it’s a bit of both. I’m unsure of the chemistry is there, whereas it’s off the scale with Mr C so I’m just not really feeling it.

I’m off on holiday on Friday for a week, then I have to undergo surgery at the start of November which will mean a 2-week recovery. So I’m guessing things might come to a natural standstill on the dating front for me anyway, and that’s also playing into how I feel.

I hope your surgery goes well and that feels like a time to not be making any decisions, could you potentially park it until afterwards?

Though if your gut says no...

Hmm Hinge just prompted me "you've been chatting a while now, it might be time to ask them out or stop chatting"

8 messages each!

Hi all. I’m recently divorced after a 20 year marriage. I’ve never dated, even before marriage. I’m scared of OLD but also would like to meet someone at some point. Do any of you wise people have advice on when and how you know you’re ready to try? I’ve been gathering photos for a dating profile. But also feel a bit of a fraud joining if I don’t know what I want.

Any advice?

Welcome lovely, how recently divorced are you? If you feel ready then jump in!

OLD is a minefield and you do have to be willing to dredge through the 💩 but there are some good people out there and I haven’t had any really awful experiences.

You can add to your profile “open to seeing where things go” so that there’s no expectation about what you want.

Its very much suck it and aee. You'll either enjoy it or you won't, in ehoch case you pause it and come back another time. Quite often You'll find you go in waves with apps anyway, with a week or so spending lots of time on it, then you fade out for a bit for various reasons. Just don't take it too seriously is my main advice. And post on here lots. It keeps you sane.

I started to talking to someone on hinge yesterday and unlike the other conversations its taken off quite fast and we're moving over to WhatsApp. I'm hoping we can arrange a meet soonish before I get over invested but so far so good with Mr Steampunk.

Welcome! You will never be 100% ready.

Read the opening post, sign up when you have some time, have thought through some wants and don't wants and you are feeling strong.

Great idea on the photos. Include a full length one.

Examples of wants

Someone who has a job
Someone who is a non smoker

Examples of don't wants

Someone who is "separated"
Someone without their own place

These are mine, they don't have to be yours xxx

After my Fun Bobby disaster I was going to take a pause but have decided to leap back in next week. I’m done taking it personally when things just don’t work out and in this case he was just a train wreck not ready for anything, with 💩 communication and organisation skills. Should’ve ducked straight out when he said he had five kids, separated for 5 years and still not divorced and cobbled together our first date at last minute … so shame on me! 😂
So I’m changing tactic and am going to multi date (which I haven’t done before) 😬

Divorced 6 months, separated over a year but marriage was done years ago so very over it emotionally. Kids are definitely still adjusting to it though which is probably what’s holding me back a bit in case I do meet someone and it goes somewhere.

it just feels so scary jumping into it.

Hi lovely 😊 I would’ve jumped at the chance of a FWB setup with HP however it was the length of time between messaging that put me off and general lack of keenness. I felt as though I was practically begging )I wasn’t, however I was flirting and getting nothing back). I really just felt like I was the only one putting any effort in, and at this stage in things it was making me feel shit. So I pulled the plug.

Interestingly (or predictably) I’ve had no response from him. I haven’t blocked him because I’m waiting to see what he’ll say. But I guess no response is a response.

In terms of your own situation, I too wonder if FWB is clouding your thoughts on others? You seem to have a fab setup with him at the moment. Wishing you well for your upcoming surgery btw! x

Welcome! 🤗

I think it’s important to figure out what’s important! Although for many of us it takes trial and error to get to that stage, and it’s not usually something which comes to us on our first foray into OLD. So expect some highs and lows, ghosting and developing a thick skin!

We’re here though and we have your back…you got this!

@BoxOfCats do you think Mr Charismatic will help you during your surgery aftercare? Once you are better, it could be a good opportunity to gauge where you are at together as he had said to revisit the convo once you’d moved, I think?

It does very much sound like he is holding you back from being open to others, but whether that is ok for you at this time of your life or not, is only up to you xx

From my side, an update that I am now officially at the year mark with my “DP”. I started posting here just before we met under a different username. Rest assured I had years of failed/ reluctant OLD dating prior to that! I had no disaster stories, but a lot of boring dates, quite a lot of icks (many probably unjustified from me!) and a few emotionally avoidant men. Somehow things just clicked very quickly my DP - we are different in many ways, but I think the deeper parts of our souls connect.

Love this congrats 🥳
if you don’t mind me asking how long were you OLD before you met? I’ve been divorced 6 years but only started OLD a year ago and it’s a slog!!