The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Feeling a bit guilty about what I said about my BFF earlier on the thread. I do really care about her and she can't help her MH struggles..... I will always put her first over random guys, no question. I was just feeling in a pisst mood generally I think.

Spent time with another very close female friend earlier today. This one lives further away, so though we text a lot, it is actually about a year since we last met in person. I found time in her company so restorative - it was a timely reminder to me about the need to prioritise my female friendships.

@Nosdacariad Awwwww, congrats!

I agree.
Ifni had to choose - feet to the fire - between a romantic relationship right now or a new female friendship that's local to me I'd choose the friendship. Yes I want romance and love, but - on the whole - female friendships last better and bring more security.
Although i did lose a female friendship over the summer which I have some mixed feelings about.

You're allowed to acknowledge that her behaviour has negative effects on you, even if they're not within her control. I think what I'd want to know is whether she takes active steps to take care of herself and her mental health. Medications, counselling, self care etc, or is she expecting you (and other friends and family) to just understand and keep picking up the pieces anyway?

Thanks @Ilovelurchers @BoxOfCats

Lurchers you're so right about female friends xxx

@Nosdacariad I'm fine, thanks for asking!

Quite preoccupied with other aspects of my life so dating is definitely low priority at the moment, but I have several low-intensity chats going on Hinge. Just deciding whether one is too far away to continue; he's actually only five minutes away from a guy I had a relationship with almost two years ago, but that was at the very limit of what was possible, with work and my son and having time for other things. It's a 50 minute drive, public transport also possible but complicated.

What do you all consider to be a reasonable travel distance for a relationship?

Ahh this is lovely!

Just to add to the sisters/misters discussion; the guy I was with a couple of years ago kept giving me ultimatums (in order to manipulate me) threatening to leave each time if I didn't give in to his ridiculous demands. He always caved and relented. Except for the final, epic showdown, where he again gave me an ultimatum (which I refused) because I chose to instead spend time with a friend who was having a hard time instead of him. Not because I'm heroic in any sense - but this showed me the value of a constant and good friend over the stress of a narcissistic boyfriend!

It's different according to how busy you are and if you're urban or rural I think.

I did a 3h long distance with a busy life and never again. I'm rural so an hour maybe.

What an arse! Glad he's in the bin.

Yeah I'm also fairly rural (although close to a smallish city) so long distances are kind of unavoidable.

I guess an hour is ok. Reluctance to do it probably reflects on my lack onf enthusiasm!

ahh that’s lovely! 🥰 sorry I’ve not read all the thread yet and I’m sure you’ll have mentioned it but when did you meet?

Middle of Sept.

Is he showing willing to do at least half of the travelling?

It's not too appealing in this weather for sure.

Yes, he doesn't seem to think it's so much of a deal. But realistically, I think you need to see someone a couple of times a week to build a connection. It's difficult to know if you might be bothered to do it before you actually feel something for someone, though.

Yeah I always say no too it’s a good test of how good they are dealing with you setting boundaries anyway

If he's more confident maybe let him do more at first while you decide?

She is normally really good at taking her meds, seeing the Dr when she needs to, has tried different kinds of talking therapy etc.

At the very end of last year things did get really bad - the worst you can imagine. That was a lot for me to cope with, I will admit, as dad was on his end of life path by then and I was having to spend nights sleeping on the floor of A and E on occasion and then the next night my friend might need me to come over in the middle of the night. But it wasn't her fault the timing sucked. It just did suck, hard.

(I later found out that she had been "persuaded" - manipulated more like, by her then boyfriend into stopping her meds - I realise that makes her sound daft, but he was supposedly a life coach, with all these alleged "qualifications" - a charlatan and an irresponsible, wicked man in my opinion. He is out of her life now and she has promised me and her adult kids that she will NEVER come off her meds without medical advice again ....)

I guess she will always have episodes as that is the nature of her illness, but with the correct care I am hopeful they won't ever be so bad again. Because she is a truly lovely woman and the thought of my life without her in it is a really bleak one!

I agree with whoever said that they would choose a new, strong female friendship over romance at this point. I have three really solid, deep female friendships and I dread to think where I would be now without them .....

And the loss of a friend can be more traumatic than a break-up I think! I have definitely been broken hearted by it before .....

@Chocolatefreak yes a green flag but as you say twice a week is kind of a minimum to build connections and I have had to make do with once a week for 8 months so frankly sometimes the green flag has red stripes

If I had to choose between a new quality friend and a man it’s a no brainer, friend every time. I like your phrase lurchers about time being restorative when you’re with a great friend so true

I don't drive, so that's a factor for me too. But funnily enough I am fairly relaxed about longer distances, as I would be happy with a relationship where I only saw them every fortnight, something like that? I actually prefer that myself.

However, I am uncertain about Mr Miner, who has suggested we meet in a town which is a one hour 20 minutes train journey for me for our first date. Especially as it's an evening date. I would be happier doing that journey in the daytime. But the thought of travelling back, the time I would get back etc is putting me off.

For some reason I feel reluctant to block him. It's definitely not due to even the faintest hint of romantic interest - I would rather eat my own spine then date that man. I think part of me thinks I can somehow persuade him to stop treating his wife so badly? But I know that isn't realistic. I have told him what I think of him - not rudely or aggressively but I was pretty clear I think - and he is still messaging trying to persuade me to meet. So clearly this guy is not susceptible to reason!

Would Mr Miner travel to you @Ilovelurchers ?

Ill be friends with you.

Don't suppose you're anywhere near Milton Keynes are you? 😆

Not certain. Possibly I should ask. I agreed to his suggestion initially, but the closer we get to it the more uncertain I feel ...

Birmingham. So not that close sadly. It would be wonderful if we could organise some kind of thread meet-up at some point, though. You are an amazing group of women and I would love to meet you all in person!

On a less positive note, I just saw the most horrible profile on Bumble. Reported it, actually. The guy listed one of his interests as "not being a woke libtard". (Apologies for even quoting the language). And included the phrase "MEGA - Make England Great Again" which is according to Gemini a well known racist slogan, though I had never heard it before. And you know that bit where you can list three causes you really care about? He included "indigenous rights". I thought that didn't seem to fit, so I asked Gemini and she told me it's a common thing racists claim to care about - they mean white Brirish people are a beleaguered indigenous group.....

I know this is irrelevant, but he looked totally normal - quite good looking actually! I mean, I know he wouldn't have horns and a forked tongue ....but if I hadn't read his profile I would probably have swiped right, based on looks alone .....

Well done for dodging a hideous racist bullet xx