The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think the positives far outweigh the negatives, for now.

I wouldn't say the negatives were red flags, more niggles. However, they could both point to a lack of generosity and thoughtfulness in his character. Only you could decide if that's something you can live with longer term.

Nobody's perfect, and it seems like he has lots of other good stuff going on.

Sounds like overall, it was a successful date! But I also think sitting with the experience and processing it is important before rushing to a next move.

@Ilovelurchers You put a shed load of effort in and not to bring a bottle of gift is thoughtless. No comment on food odd. Maybe he was on cloud 9? But as you spent some time in bed after you would have thought he could have complimented you more. Some flags there.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, all - it's good to read the different perspectives. Still don't quite know what to feel about it. It was mostly very positive, but the compliments thing especially does bother me a bit (I have noticed it before). Not that I need my ego stroking all the time, but .......

I will let it settle for a bit I think. He did message to say he had had a lovely evening.

I think some people are just bad at compliments. My BF ( a very sweet caring man who does think about others) is and I called it out early. He said his family doesn’t compliment and he finds it awkward. He now does make an effort - not gushing compliments but I often get a “you look nice” now.

I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker until you dig in deeper to check it isn’t some form of narcissism.

Welcome @mbonfield

@Clarabella77 I feel like "nobody's perfect" is a phrase we apply to make excuses for (mostly) men and maybe that's what we're doing here.

@Ilovelurchers not really any compliments from Tennis either but it's clear how he feels from his behaviour. You're wise to keep observing xxx

I would give him a chance. Overall sounded like a lovely evening. X

Thanks for the new thread @Ilovelurchers, although a bit discombobulating that it’s not @Nosdacariad’s name in blue 😂

Welcome to the new posters and welcome back to the posters who have returned!

@Ilovelurchers I would find that a bit of a bummer considering how much effort you put into the night between the food and your appearance. Sounds like all he done was turn up, eat and get his winky out 😂 I do seem to remember that he has form for not paying any type of compliment? I’m very much like you, I like to know that a man appreciates my appearance. Some might think this is vain or that I’m lacking in confidence however it’s just what I like and what I’m used to, in the main. It’s probably a bit too early to raise this with him? Or is it? Sorry for the shit advice!

I was meant to have a date with Mr Handy last night however I cancelled it with him on Saturday morning because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it and the lack of effort I was getting back. One of my friends has said I should give it another chance but I’m not sure.

I messaged Hot Physio to say it was nice catching up and I wish him well with the dating, but I’m outta here haha.

Hope everyone has a good Monday ☺️

Thanks for new thread dipping in. @Ilovelurchers Spanner wasn’t very complimentary about my food and it is something I normally do receive a lot of compliments on. I called him out on it. Sometimes I think he feels a bit intimidated by things. He is highly complimentary about some things (my physical body) but not others 🤷🏻‍♀️. Things still going well here. He met my kids last week. I’m seeing more of his. I have a trip booked. Not sure either of us is looking forward to being apart but it’s probably a good thing and I am looking forward to it.

@empirebiscuits12 sounds like you're clearing the decks for something better.

@duckingclueless sounds like things are going well?

Does calling a halt to things with HP feel like the right thing? It sounds like the right decision from the outside, as it has been causing you uncertainty for a while. Well done for being so decisive, and for valuing yourself enough to walk away from something that didn't feel right. As @Nosdacariadsays, feels like you are clearing space for something new and more positive in your life! Which has got to be good.

I think I will wait for Cricket to make the next move - I feel like I put a lot of effort in to our last date, so it's his turn now...... It will be interesting to see what happens.

@Ilovelurchers i am dating a cricketer who.. really fits your description, right down to the lack of compliments! You’re not in the north west per chance..

This sounds sensible. It needs to feel balanced and you need to feel appreciated so step back a little and wait and see.

No, West Midlands! There must be a lot of it about.....

phew! It was an uncanny description. Mine: reserved, polite, obsessed with the sport, not one for compliments and.. great stamina.

god help him if he didn’t gush about my cooking, mind.

Welcome @Lilaclane 💙♥️💙

Sounds like a great date so keep observing but not bringing something would annoy me as I always do if I visit someone.

@Ilovelurchers Sounds like he is somewhat invested if he messaged you that after! But yes I can see why you’d want to put the bal:in his court ad wait to see if he’ll put the effort in from here.

Hi ladies! How are you all! Couldn't get on much to look at last thread but came on today and this was at the top of my feed so thought id pop and say hello! Cant believe its autumn already 😱

How are we all? If anyone fancies a brief summary/update im here for it but dont worry if not 😊

All good here, nearly at the 2 year mark - crazy!

@Ilovelurchers regards the compliment aspect- DP wasnt forthcoming with them in the very early stages, we had a chat and I explained how much they mean to me, its a big love language to me, so he upped his game, not over the top or anything but still now I still get them and obviously as the relationship progresses it turns into words of love and appreciation too. Even in the early days when we were getting to know each other and I was talking about things that matter to me id say "you must think im daft etc" and he'd say "if it matters to you it matters to me" and that standpoint hasnt changed since....
Point being if any relationship has legs you should be comfortable to bring up things you need, and if they want to be with you they will adapt/accommodate where possible.
It could be that he hasnt had much experience of complimenting? That was why my DP wasnt on it.

Id be pissed off if I went to all that effort and he didnt show up with anything. Definitely sit back now, lets see his level of effort!!

@Lilaclane and @Ilovelurchers perhaps it’s a cricketer thing, I dated one in the North east last year, he was exactly the same!

@OneShyQuail yes please give us your update, lovely to see you!

Funnily enough, Cricketer is from up North (he has a gorgeous accent that I've always loved and could listen to for hours). He's lived down here for quite a while tho, but could be a cultural thing? My mom suggested this re. him not bringing anything to the meal - he is from a very working class background, as is she, and I think she thinks that bringing flowers or chocs or whatever is a poncey middle class affectation! 🤣 When I think about it, my parents never took stuff like this when we went over to dinber as a family - and I don't recall anyone bringing it either. Gifts were only for Xmas and birthdays.....

I am still not 100% how I feel about things with Cricket - and I suppose I don't need to be. If he asks me for another date I will say yes. But I am actually glad neither of us had mentioned exclusivity yet, as I don't think I am there yet. I thought that when we shagged, that would be it - I would know for sure whether I wanted to pursue it or not. But not at all, I still feel very mixed about it......

@Ilovelurchers is FWB obscuring your view?

Things are going well. :) Had some wrinkles along the way but definitely so far so good. 😊

How are u beautiful 😍

Oh I didnt mean ME waffle on....boring! I meant updates on you lovely ladies xxx

Good news! Any wrinkly learnings to share?